Super Bowl Prop Bets: Will Ray Lewis Cry? Hell Yes, He Will

The big game is here. Before breaking it down, let us all bask for a moment in the warm glow that is a Patriot-less Super Bowl. They are rare occurrences not to be taken for granted. There will be no Brady on Sunday, no Bellichick, no Welker, no Robert Kraft, no Gronkowski bro-ing it up in the sky-box. And that's a GREAT THING.

Yet, we still must suffer through one more day of Ray Lewis antics. It's no easy road for us, the brave viewer who must witness his shenanigans. You can bet he will leave all the antics he has left on that field, for he is a warrior of drama.

We also must deal with 49er fans. Not to generalize, but here's a quick rundown of every 49er fan in existence: they are unbearable bandwagon fans that couldn't name 3 players on the team two weeks ago. They will tell you they knew all along Colin Kaepernick should start over Alex Smith, and they also can't say what college he even atttended. As they fiddle with the chains on their skinny jeans, they will tell you Jim Harbaugh is a genius and that the Giants are going to win the World Series again next year. If they utter the phrase "Fear the Beard," or dare flex their bicep like Kaepernick, you have my permission to dump a five layer dip on their heads.

Will Jim Harbaugh make a referee cry? Odds: 1-1.

Prop Bets Galore!
Hey, did you know you can bet on virtually anything to do with Sunday's game? In fact, I've already made a wager on how many wagers you will make. Let's step into my betting chamber and explore the many rich delights that await us!

Coin Flip: Heads -105 vs. Tails -105
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. TAILS NEVER FAILS*.

*may fail 50% of time

Over/Under on number of times "Harbaugh" will be said: 21.5
Easiest bet on the board. They'll hit the over on this mid-way through the first quarter when Joe Buck says "Flacco drops back to pass....oh God I can't resist, Harbaugh, Harbaugh, so much toughness, so many Harbaughhhhhs!"

Over/Under on length of post-game hug between Harbaugh bros: 7.5 seconds
Anything over 3 seconds becomes awkward very quickly. Hug for more than 5 seconds and you're essentially saying, "let's take this hug back to my locker room and see where it leads."

Interesting fact: Ray Lewis's pregame dance routine counts
as 4 made tackles.

Over/under on tackles for Ray Lewis: 11.5
If Ray Lewis is in on the field, he gets credit for tackles. If another Ravens player clearly makes the tackle by himself, Lewis gets credit for a half tackle because his leadership allowed said player to make that tackle. If Lewis is not on the field, he still gets credit, because he totally would have tackled that guy. Over.
 
Over/Under on how long it takes Alicia Keys to sing National Anthem 2 minutes, 15 seconds.
Another shockingly easy over bet. At the 2 minute mark, Alicia will still be singing about the dawn's early light.

Will Alicia Keys add one word to the National Anthem?
Now this is a fun one. You never know, Keys could sing "and the bombs bursting in the air..jabronis..!" This would be an easier bet if Michael Jackson were singing, because you know he'd throw in a "Jam-on!" toward the end. Likewise, Bruce Springsteen would slip in a "mister" or a "sister" or a "darlin'".  Maybe stay away from this one.



Will Randy Moss say something stupid in postgame
press conference. Odds 5/4.

Player Over/Unders:
Receiving Yards by Torrey Smith: 61.5
Smith is a big play guy, take the over.

Rushing Yards by Ray Rice: 65.5
I like Rice, but his backup Bernard Pierce has actually looked better than him in the postseason. Take the under here.

Total receptions by Randy Moss: 2.5
Moss has caught more than 2 passes in only 5 out of his last 18 games. Under.


Total receptions by Anquan Boldin: 4.5
Boldin is a crafty vet, and he excels in catching poorly thrown balls thanks to his background with the Arizona Cardinals. Over.

Total rushing yards by LaMichael James: 25.5
James is half man/half scooter, and he will make a big play at some point. Over

Was Tebow acquired by Baltimore
this week? No one is saying.

Who will score the first touchdown?:
On a bet like this, it's fun to take a longshot. That's why I've taken Tim Tebow at 100,000 to one odds. It's just good business. If you want to play it "smart" like a wuss, then go with Dennis Pitta at 12 to 1 or Kaepernick at 8 to 1.

The game: Niners -3.5 over Baltimore
I almost forgot, we can even bet on the actual game. Yeah, not as fun. The Ravens seem to be the popular pick as this line opened at -5. Both teams should be able to move the ball just enough on each other's defense. The Niners don't want to get into a field goal contest, since their kicker has a case of the shanks. Also, is Kaepernick really ready for this stage? The only QB to win a Super Bowl with so few starts in NFL history is Jeff Hostetler. And that was thanks to a missed fg by Scott Norwood. I like the Ravens in a squeaker. I also strongly advise against watching the post-game interview of Ray Lewis, unless you're the kind of person that likes Nicholas Sparks novels.  Baltimore 24 49ers 23.

If you've been following my playoff picks this year that means you should put everything you have on the 49ers. Enjoy the game!    

The Official NFL Conference Championships Drinking Game

Last year we introduced the official Super Bowl drinking game, and now it's time to unveil the Conference Championships Drinking Game. Totally different rules and twice the drinking! Fun for the whole family! (Stomach pump sold seperately.)

Update: Actually, after just reviewing the rules below and consulting my attorney, I don't recommend anyone play this game ever. Even Winston Churchill would pass out playing this game, and he downed a decanter of bourbon with a Guinness chaser before eating a vodka-oatmeal breakfast every day. And that's true, I saw it on the BBC channel. I do my fact-checking here at the Deep Dish, we're not having a Manti Te'o situation, not on my watch.

Without further adieu, as Richard Dawson says in The Running Man, "Let's Play the Feud!"

"Not the elbow, bro, no bro, no, bro-uch!"

Patriots -9 vs. Ravens

Drink 1 drink when:

• Ray Lewis dances
• Rob Gronkowski's elbow is mentioned
• Tom Brady is mentioned in the same sentence with the word "precision" and "masterful" or "questionable wardrobe" and "lady-like" 
• Ray Lewis prays to the Lord
• Bill Bellichick frowns or appears to mutters something under his breath
• Ray Lewis misses a tackle 
• Joe Flacco overthrows a receiver and then directs the receiver to run faster



Disdain for headsets runs in the family.

Drink 2 drinks when: 

• An announcer praises Ray Lewis' leadership/and or character
• When the Patriots many "weapons" are discussed
• When the possibility of a "Harbaugh Bowl" is brought up
• A Masters preview is showed and the words "A tradition unlike any other" are mentioned
• Tom Brady complains about being touched by a defender 
• Wes Welker dives to the ground to avoid getting hit after a catch

Down your drink when: 

• Ray Rice does something silly like convert a 4th and 19. You'll know when to do it. 
• Either QB throws a pick and the announcers promptly blame the receiver 
• A pass interference call is reversed because the pass was uncatchable (this never happens, btw) 
• Bill Bellichick smiles 
• Brady dons one of those ski caps with the puffy ball on top
• A Ravens receiver drops the game-winning catch
• You find something at all redeeming or likable about the Patriots 

Prediction: Patriots 34 Ravens 21

Atlanta +4 vs. San Francisco 

Take 1 drink when:

• Someone mentions doing the "dirty bird" or Jamaal Anderson
• Any old clip of MC Hammer or Deion Sanders is shown 
• Whenever the camera shows Jim Harbaugh screaming (warning: this could be dangerous) 
• Matt Ryan's impressive home record or unimpressive playoff record is mentioned



"Can I play the Packers every week?"

Take 2 drinks when:

• Colin Kaepernick runs for a 70+ yard touchdown while momentarily taking flight 
• Fox shows a promo for that new Kevin Bacon show The Following
• Troy Aikman says the phrase "You're right, Joe..."
• Eugene Robinson's Super Bowl XXXIII weekend is mentioned (the XXX is fitting)
• Anyone mentions Brett Favre was once drafted by the Falcons

Down your drink when:

• Harbaugh throws a challenge flag at a referee's head
• Whenever Joe Buck says the name "Babineaux!"
• If a referee utters the phrase "unabated to the quarterback"
• Everytime the camera pans to Alex Smith looking sad
• Anyone says "Tebow!"

Prediction: Falcons 23 49ers 20


Enjoy the games!

NFL Divisional Round Picks!

Worst. Wildcard. Round. Ever. You know it's bad when the highlight of the weekend is watching Mike Shanahan attempt to turn his QB's knee into Hamburger Helper. However, there are four outstanding games this weekend, so no time to dilly or even dally. A Manning-Brady showdown looms, so Lord help us all.

Also, as I am wont to do, each game breakdown will be accompanied by a limerick:



Both of these guys need to improve their game-face.

Denver -9.5 over Baltimore
What a snoozefest between the Colts and Ravens last week. It was visual Ambien. The Broncos went into Baltimore a few weeks ago and basically tap-danced on the Ravens' heads. Now they get them at their own stadium. But, that was while Ray Lewis was out and before he announced his retirement, which begat his tearfell farewell tour that has inspired a nation to dance like idiots. EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

What else can be said about Peyton Manning? He does funny commercials, was a surprisingly good SNL host, and is the first QB to play with a replacement neck. The Ravens simply don't have enough fire power to keep up with Denver, and this feels like another blow out.

Ol' Ray Ray gets to play another week
So annoying, of phonyness he does reek
He will do his dance
And then get de-pantsed
By Mr. Manning, that neckless freak

Broncos 31 Ravens 13

"Here's the play...you run towards the bench,
then sit there for about 3 hours."

Green Bay +3 over San Francisco
This game is very similar to last year's playoff game between the Saints and 49ers - a high scoring, pass-heavy team meets the best defense in the NFL. The Saints lost that game largely due to two kick return fumbles, and Alex Smith playing the first good game of his career. This Packer team has a much better defense and more weapons at WR. Hasn't San Francisco won enough lately? How much happiness do these hipster doofuses deserve? No more, I say.

Will the Niners be able to win?
I wouldn't bet it on Harbaugh's chin
Rodgers is gettin hot
Receivers? They have a lot
This'll be over before it begins

That was dumb, let's try another one:

There was a QB named Kaepernick
He could throw and boy was he quick
But the Pack can sure score
It'll be over before
You can say "discount double-chick"

Close enough.
Green Bay 27 Niners 20

Atlanta -2 over Seattle

Here is the MRI of RG3's knee
after Sunday's game.

If the Falcons putz around and try to win this game on the ground with Michael Turner, the Seahawks will beat them. If they open it up and keep throwing to Julio Jones, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez, they should win. If Matt Ryan loses this game, he may as well pack his bags and change his last name to Romo. No pressure.

The Seahawks should say "thanks" to Shanahan
Hey, leave in your QB, what a great plan
It's just a little limp
He's not yet a gimp
Who cares if he never plays again?

Falcons 31 Seahawks 27

"Forget about Brady, ladies, and take a gander
at me, the Schaub-inator."

Houston +9.5 over New England
It's been 7 years since Brady and the evil, hooded, cheating, homewrecking coach have won a Super Bowl. I have no follow-up point to that, but I enjoy saying it. It must be tough being Wes Welker. He was once the "little scrappy guy that could," and of course, he bravely broke the NFL's troll barrier. But, then along comes Danny Woodhead, a shorter, scrappier troll. There's got to be some resentment there.

The Pats did give the Texans a beating a few weeks back, but expect a closer game this time around. Just look at Matty Schaub above. Is that not the face of confidence?

There once was a mean coach named Bill
It was said he smelled like a dunghill
He's a devilish rake
And a slimy snake
Fitting, because he's pure evil

Pats 34 Texans 30

Enjoy the games!

Last week: 2-2
Overall record: 92-87-3

NFL Wild Card Picks!

"Karate here...not here, Daniel-son!"

Is there a more depressing moment than throwing out your Christmas tree? It's so sad, like walking the Green Mile. "You've brought us great joy sweet tree, but you see... we don't need you anymore, and you're shedding and hogging up space, SO EAT SOME CURB!" It's another reason to dislike the month of January. The holidays are over, and it's back to the old grind and short winter days. But, the next three weekends also provide what Don King likes to call the "splendiforous resplenditude of NFL fabulousity."

Some rules to remember for the Wild Card round: at least one road team will win, at least one home will win in a blow-out and one team that everyone loves will come out and stink. On to the picks...

The Ravens need a big game
from Flacco this week.

Indy +6.5 over Baltimore 
So Ray Lewis is retiring? I don't buy it, this guy will play til he's 50 and will retire and un-retire 8 more times. Like TNT, he knows drama. Lewis hasn't really been good in four years, but he does lead the league in a stat called A.T. (almost tackles). No one is better at the almost tackle than ol' Ray. Troy Polamalu is second. The entire Jets team is tied for third. Anyway, prepare for roughly 1,000 close ups of Lewis screaming at his teammates and most likely openly weeping after Baltimore wins this game. In other words, just like every Ravens game for the last 17 years. Hooray for us all.

Part of me thinks the Colts can win this game because Andrew Luck is already better than Joe Flacco. However, he's got a long way to go to match his eyebrow prowess, or eyebrowess as I call it. I'm taking the points, but I think Baltimore advances by an eyelas- I mean eyebrow hair. T.Y. Hilton will score a TD in this game or his name isn't T.Y. Hilton.
Ravens 23 Indy 20

Green Bay -7.5 over Minnesota 


Betting against this man is unwise.

Let's face it, this is really A.P. vs. Rodgers. They may as well clear everyone off the field and just let these guys go one-on-one. I'm not sure how that would work in football. Peterson would first run over Rodgers, then Rodgers would get up and throw a football as far as he could to no one. Riveting television. It's a good thing I'm not allowed to make up the rules.

I love Peterson, and he is the MVP hands-down, but you can't take Christian Ponder on the road and I mean that literally. He gets home-sick and calls his mommy and insists on taking his blanky with him everywhere. It's sorta cute. Plus, the Packers have all four of their starting receivers back, and they seem to have found a real-life running back in Dujuan Harris. And let's not forget about that frozen tundra. That's worth a touchdown against the spread in January.
Green Bay 34 Minnesota 20

Houston -4.5 over Cincy 
Ahh, here's the one game in four that's not really must-see TV and it's tucked away nicely on Saturday afternoon, like it's saying, "don't look at me, nothing to see here!"

Marvin Lewis, instilling confindence.

Houston's been stumbling down the stretch, while Cincy's been surging behind a defense that has quietly been one of the best in the league. J.J. Watt, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster are too damn good to lose this game. Also, betting on Marvin Lewis in a big game is just not a good idea. Even he can't believe he's still coaching the Bengals.
Texans 27 Bengals 13




Washington +3 over Seattle

Who will be the next Mark Sanchez? Dare to dream, fellas.

RG3 vs. lil' Russell Wilson is easily the best game of the weekend. Wilson's 100 QB rating would be a rookie record, if not for Griffin, who's at 102.4. Interestingly, the last rookie to win two playoff games in a season is Mark Sanchez. Just thought I'd mention that for no reason. Sanchez' NFL career is over, but his Saskatchewan Roughriders career is just getting started! Seattle looks like an unstoppable train and everyone loves them as a Super Bowl dark horse, but they struggled to beat a crappy Rams team at home last week. Wilson was also sacked 6 times. Sometimes teams peak too soon.

Seattle's weakness is their O-line and Washington will blitz the hell out of them this week, just like they did Romo last week. Wilson is roughly 200 times more elusive than Romo, but he also is not the same QB on the road (8 interceptions). If Griffin were healthy I think Washington wins, but he's not, so Seattle squeaks this one out in what should be a great game and moves on to Atlanta next week.
Seahawks 24 Skins 23.

Bonus National Title Game Pick:
Notre Dame +9 over Alabama
Two great defenses could lead to one of the least entertaining National Title games since, well, last year when 'Bama and LSU held that field goal suck-fest that everyone has tried to erase from their memories. It's a shame because there really have not been any good BCS games yet. Thanks again, BCS! At least we get to see Johnny Football vs. the Sooners tonight in a game that means nothing. I digress. I think the Irish have just enough to hang around and keep this game close..notice I said "close" and not "interesting." Bring on the playoff system please.
'Bama 16 N.D. 14

Overall record: 90-85-3

Week 16 NFL Picks! Plus, A Festivus Airing of Grievances

 

 

Instead of my usual cogent football analysis, each of this week's picks will be accompanied by a random observation about life (read: grievances). After an extremely sad and depressing past week and a half, I hope they provide some laughter. Feel free to read this with your inner Seinfeld voice, because "what is the deal with that?" Happy Holidays to all.

Green Bay -13 over Tennessee 
Is every band on the radio Mumford and Sons? Look, they're an ok group, but everyone now sounds like them and I'm sick of it. "And IIIIIIIIIIIIII will take my time...and IIIIIIIIII will sing like this and IIIIII will make all my songs sound the same....sound the same."

Oakland +8.5 over Carolina 
No group of people are more deserving of our scorn than snowboarders. They're the worst. They hog up the slopes, laying about like sea lions on a pier and thinking about their next "big air". Plus, they take up all the room on the chairlift line with that annoying gimp-like waddle they do. They should have their own lifts and their own slopes and separate mountains. And don't get me started on their hats. (shakes fist angrily)

Buffalo +4.5 over Miami 
Ever sneeze into your hand and immediately sniff your hand right after? Why is that smell so enchanting and intoxicating? Would I wear a sneeze-scented perfume? Perhaps not, but I'll take a free sample. This is probably just a guy thing.

Cincy +4 over Pitt
I'm tired of the expression "Too many cooks in the kitchen" and would like to officially propose changing said expression to "Too many dicks on the dance floor." You can use this expression in an office environment nicely: "This project would be done Bob, but there's way too many dicks on the dance floor right now." Hat tip to Flight of the Conchords.

New England -14 over Jacksonville

I hate these. Is it upper case or lower case? Gahhh!

I hate when I have to type letters into one of these security codes to get to my email or some other account. They've made these things so illegible that it takes about 3 tries to get through. I've had it. Stop wasting my time with your indecipherable mind games, Internet!

Indy -6.5 over K.C.
Ever get caught singing way too emphatically and playing kick-ass air guitar while stuck in your car at an intersection. Then you have to play it off like you're talking on a blue tooth that isn't there or adjusting your seatbelt? It happens to me on a semi-weekly basis. This is doubly embarrassing when you're singing No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl,"which I have never done. On an unrelated note, "tinted windows" is on my Christmas list.

Dallas -3 over N. Orleans
When people say a certain type of product, program or system is "integrated" and they're not referring to race, what they are really saying is they have no idea what "integrated" means and they hope you don't either.

Tampa -3 over St. Louis 
I was stuck on an overcrowded train in 100 degree heat in Italy this past summer and there was no A/C (yes, just imagine those smells for a second). As I was contemplating how rich I could become by introducing my new sneeze-scented perfume/deodorant to Europe, I noticed a man eating a block of brie. With nothing else, no bread or cracker, just a hunk of brie straight up. THAT'S INSANE. Brie is way, way down on my list of cheeses I could eat a block of. Now that I think about it, the entire list is: mozzarella, parmesan, cheddar, and gouda gets a maybe. I'm not eating a block of anything else.    

This expression sums up the
Lakers season thus far.

Detroit +4 over Atlanta Thursday night football was really terrible this year. Guys limping around, everybody half-assing it, it was like watching a Lakers game (ZING!). But, the only thing more annoying than the terrible games were all the people that complained about it constantly. Move the games one night to Friday. Problem solved, you're welcome.

Giants -2.5 over Baltimore 
Is there a more conflicted feeling than driving through a store parking lot and not finding even one space to park? On one hand you're frustrated, but on the other you're relieved, because it's like, "this task cannot possibly get completed and it's not my fault...I'm not parking down the street like some chump." 

San Fran pick 'em over Seattle 
Have you ever run out of diapers for your baby and wonder what you could use as a makeshift diaper should the emergency strike? "Well, I could fasten a pork pie hat to his booty with a belt-like contraption and he'll just poop into that. Problem solved! Or hey, no one ever uses this crockpot, right? We're not going back to that store with no parking today, not on my watch."



"I didn't think you could top my suckage, but you came close, bro!"

San Diego +1.5 over Jets
Speaking of what to do with poop, let's talk Jets. The Jets media attention is inversely proportional to how good they are as a team. I wish they would just be allowed to suck in anonymity, but they deserve it because they never shut up. Now they're saying they want to trade Sanchez. Unless there's a new rule where you can trade players to the CFL or the Arena League, I don't think this is happening.

Cleveland +13 over Denver 
Warning...more Jets talk. The Monday night crew were so infuriated with the Jets embarrassing excuse of an offense last Monday that they practically called for Sanchez' and Tony Sparano's head on a stake. This isn't really a grievance, I just found it noteworthy. The veins in Jon Gruden's neck were about to burst and Trent Dilfer and Steve Young looked ready to strangle someone. These guys may to need to take it down a notch.

Chicago -5 over Arizona
I never know what to tip the guy who ties the Christmas tree to the top of the car. I'm assuming it's $5-$10, but it could be more. The service he's providing is arguably more valuable to me than the tree itself. It would take me 'til MLK day to get that tree properly tied to the roof, and I'd rather not have a tree at all than try. He's getting a bigger tip from me....next year. If I remember. Merry Christmas, everyone!


Week 14 Picks: 9-7
Overall record: 84-77-3

NFL Week 14 Picks ...More Hilarious Limericks!

Oh yes, the limericks are back, mainly because I have very few new ideas, so back off, Jack. We are in the home stretch of the season, and most of the playoffs spots are pretty much decided, but so many questions remain...will Matty Ice finally win a playoff game? Will Big Ben ever return? Will the Cowboys fulfill their annual destiny of collapsing in hilarious fashion? Will the Gronk get back to his old bro' self? What year will Greg McElroy be inducted into the Hall of Fame? And, most importantly, how are those awful shows "Whitney" and "Two Broke Girls" both still on the air? I mean, come on!



The Rams are in a pit of despair.

Buffalo -3 over St. Louis
The Rams are stuck in slow motion
All their fans are losing devotion
They need a quick fix
To get back in the mix
Or else Buffalo Bills will apply the lotion

Jets -2.5 over Jacksonville
Sanchez will return once again to start
But he's at his best when holding a chart
Whatever can we do?
Watch more butts run into? 
Must he linger 'round like a bad fart?

San Diego over Pittsburgh
There once was a "qb" named Batch
Who's passes no one could ever catch
He played for many years
And heard nothing but jeers
It's ineptness Phil Rivers can match.

This is why you don't do Jaeger shots
on the sidelines.

Denver -10 over Oakland
The Raiders continue to disgrace
the game of football at a rapid pace
Carson Palmer has stunk
Janikowski's always drunk
But at least they have a classy fanbase.

Carolina +3.5 over Atlanta
Every week the Falcons squeak by
Their great fortune, no one can deny
But that Michael Turner
Is no longer a burner
I've seen glaciers that were more spry

Detroit +6.5 over Green Bay
This guy Suh likes to make QBs hurt
So Rodgers had better be alert
Protect those jewels
From this cheapshotting tool
Crotch injuries are wise to avert

"I would have given you three
houses at USC."

Seattle -10.5 over Arizona
The Cardinals are under duress
As for talent, they couldn't have less
The Seahawks will destroy
Carroll will jump for joy
And forget he left SC a hot mess

New Orleans +5 over Giants
Why does Coughlin's face get so red?
Is it 'cause all the blood's in his head?
He needs to relax
Or wear looser slacks
Just watching him fills me with dread

Miami +10 over San Fran
To the bench the Niners sent Smith
Who's talent was just a big myth
He just couldn't throw
He will have to go
Hey, Sanchez needs someone to golf with.

So much wrong here.

Houston +4 over New England
Let's not make fun of Tom Brady
Because he has hair like a lady
It's his love of sheep
like Little Bo Peep
That I find totally shady

Washington -2.5 over Baltimore
What's up with these cheap shots from Reed?
He's getting fined, Goodell has decreed
It's cool to late hit
'Til they notice it
And you're making Tom Brady bleed

Scary.

Cincy -3 over Dallas
Jerry Jones has had some work done
His face now resembles turkey bacon
These Bengals can play
Dalton will have his day
Upsetting the Cowboys owner/goblin






The rest of the picks (which I couldn't find rhymes for):
Cleveland -5.5 over KC
Philly +7.5 over Tampa Bay
Indy -5.5 over Tennessee
Chicago -2.5 over Minnesota

Last week's record: 10-5-1
Overall: 75-70-3

The Greatest Rock Video Ever? Plus, Week 13 NFL Picks

A little over 20 years ago Guns N' Roses released the Use Your Illusion albums. There were a lot of good songs contained on those two records, and several atrocious ones (hello, My World), but  one of my personal favorites is "Estranged." This is mainly because it spawned one of the most over-the-top, ridiculous music videos of all time. It's a video that involves Axl Rose jumping off of an aircraft carrier, Slash soloing in front of an ocean full of dolphins and a plot more intricate than "Trapped in the Closet."

This was the video where the boys from GNR said, "we are on top of the world, let's burn this mother down." Frankly, I think it deserves further exploration and dissection with a Deep Dish video breakdown. We did this last year with Soundgarden's awful "Black Hole Sun" to great acclaim. So put on your flannel and come back with me to the year 1993...



00-0:30: This first thirty seconds of the video really sets the tone for what we're about to receive. First, a definition of the word "illusion." Thank you, it's about damn time someone explained it. Consider the stage officially set! Next, hey a tire swing and a swingset....but no one is on it. Innocence has clearly been lost. But who's? Everyone's, that's who.

0:30-1:25: Have you ever seen a SWAT team that also doubles as an EMT unit? Well, you have now, thanks to Rock! By the way, the production value here is just top notch. It's like a Michael Bay movie, or an episode of CSI, everything's all blue and green and flashlights abound. That dinosaur's shadow also had me scared for a second there. What a sneaky metal band they were. Hey, there's Axl curled up in the fetal position, he's not in good shape. Again. We may have to get the straight jacket and go all "Welcome to the Jungle" on him again.

The models are not impressed.

1:25-2:20: We interrrupt this police raid for standard concert footage. Have to admit, even though it's cliche, watching a stadium fill up with people thru time-lapse photography gets me everytime. It's like PEOPLE HAVE ARRIVED, RAISE YOUR GOBLET TO ROCK.

2:20-2:55: The plot thickens, one of Axl's illegitimate children make an appearance. And of course models watch the concert and nod condescendingly, comfortably aloof from the proceedings. The strobe lights are not appreciated and may send me into a coma at any moment.

"No one understands my rock problems."

2:56-3:55: The band finishes the concert, but they appear tired, because the road is a bitch, you know? And here we go, Axl has left his sleeping body behind and is drifting like a spirit. Because really, who needs this business? It's supposed to be ABOUT THE MUSIC. He returns to the fetal position in the shower, and then a girl who may or may not represent a young Slash slides down a pole for no apparent reason. Say what you will about this video, but these Slash solos are still epic.

3:56:-5:20: Ah yes, Axl's mansion in the hills. The perils of rock and roll decadence on full display. Is it a mansion though, or the world's most expensive daycare/insane asylum? Lots of kids trotting about and people that look like nurses. We then get a much needed definition of Estranged with a bonus meaning! I think Webster's got a kickback on this video. And everything is white - white outfits, white limos, white walls, white dogs, but then... a black elephant. Oh, what does it all mean? Other than the obvious conclusion that Axl is pretty much racist. But that's too easy.

5:20-5:30 Don't you hate it when a dolphin emerges from the tour plane? This is what happens when you hire Jacques Cousteau as your stagehand because you're kajillionaires. Mo aquatic special effects, mo problems. This song still has over 4 minutes left, don't go anywhere.

These are ideal conditions for electric guitar.

5:31-7:00: Now we're on the Sunset Strip, after an apparent flood. The crowd of people outside the Rainbow sure seem ambivalent about Slash rocking out a solo on the freaking sidewalk like a boss. C'mon people, it's Slash, not C.C. DeVille. Slash could've thrown his hat down and made at least $50 bucks here. Opportunity missed. I think that's Matt Dillon from "Singles" smoking a cigarette at the 6:43 mark.

7:01-8:30: Here's the part of the song where we jump off of ships! Luckily, a random bandmate is aboard swabbing the deck and throws Axl a lifeline. Is that Izzy, Gilby or Dizzy? Or Daffy? It doesn't matter, Mr. Rose has no need for your flotation devices today, good sir. He has his dolphin friends to help him, and they ask nothing in return. Slash rises from the depths to take his 8th face-melting solo on a 9-minute song. It's not overdoing it though, because this one is a sunset solo and includes dolphin noises, so it's way different than the others.

8:31-9:00: Duff McKagan makes a cameo appearance and is all "hey, remember me? I'm still in this band, too, wait don't go, I'm more than a bassist, remember the first chords of 'It's So Easy'? All my idea...noooo!"

9:01-9:30: The real star of this video is that Charles Manson shirt. What a great Christmas gift idea..."I saw that shirt and I thought of you, honey! Let's listen to the White album." There's no way that shirt smells good. If you can't find a shirt that says "I'm drunk on fame and going insane," I guess you buy that Manson shirt instead.




This dolphin sadly died 12 seconds later.

9:30-9:51: We wrap it up with a final definition of "disillusion." I'm super prepared for those SATs now. Axl's Converse drifts to the ocean bottom and we finish with him sitting on a couch with a dolphin, smirking like, "yup, can you believe you just saw that?" And the dolphin is wearing a flannel shirt, because why not. Rock masterpiece complete. Fin (Word play!)  









Week 13 NFL Picks 
Atlanta -3.5 over N. Orleans
Chicago -3.5 over Seattle
Minny +9 over Green Bay
San Fran -7 over St. Louis
Arizona +4.5 over Jets
Carolina -2.5 over KC
Indy +4.5 over Detroit
Buff -6 over Jacksonville
Miami +7.5 over N. England
Cincy -1.5 over San Diego
Houston -5.5 over Tenn
Tampa +7 over Denver
Dallas -10 over Philly
Washington +2.5 over Giants
Balt. -5 over Pitt
Cleve +2 over Oak


Week 11 Record: 9-4 (week 12 was my bye week)
Overall record: 65-65-2 (Back to .500!)