Week 9 NFL Picks! We Got a Shooter With Shoes!

Red Stripe + plantains = undefeated.

We've reached the mid-point of the season, and my picks are getting so good that I may have to purchase some gold chains and start unbuttoning my shirts down to the navel like the real sharks do. Two weeks ago I went 9-4. Last week, even though I was in a different country, I overcame third world odds and went 5-0. I am undefeated when picking games in the Caribbean. My secret.... Red Stripe with a side of fried plantains. Take it to your grave, gents.

This doofus went 4-9 last week.

It's true I didn't pick every game, but I was on island time, mon, don't get all crazy baldhead on me. Meanwhile, supposed "experts" like Bill Simmons went 4-9. How about a 30 for 30 episode on how my picks kick your Boston ass, Billy boy? Full disclosure, even though I went 5-0, I somehow lost money on the actual bets I made (legal bets all, I assure you). That takes a special kind of skill. It also takes Philip Rivers forgetting how to handle a routine snap with his freakishly tiny carny hands. Let's get to the picks:

New England -9 vs Giants 
The mighty Patsies are showing some chinks the armor right now. Big Ben treated them like one his southern girls last week, and the Giants could have similar success with their Hicks, Manningham and Cruz trifecta. This spread is too high. The Giants pass rush is good enough to disrupt Brady's precious hair a little bit. He may have to wear a bonnet under his helmet this week. I don't put it past him. New England 30 Giants 24 (Lock of the week)


Oakland -7.5 vs. Team Tebow

It's like his right hand is trying to tell him, "stop, please don't throw this!"

Wow, did the Tebow express derail last week in horrific fashion. I wish I watched it. I ran an offense during my 4th grade recess that was more complex than what the Broncos do right now. It's 5 days later and Tebow is still trying to throw that last pass attempt of the game against the Lions, let's give him a few more seconds....good god, that delivery that can be measured with a sun dial.........and we're back. Was it completed? Cheerleaders catching the pass don't count. Raiders/Autumn Wind 20 Broncos 9

Miami +4 at K.C. 
Every week I think this will be the game the Dolphins get their first win, but they just excel at being terrible. And they lose in epic fashion each week, it's really magnificent. Perhaps inspired by his ex Kim Kardashian's divorce, Reggie Bush regained some of his Heisman form last week, breaking the 100 yard barrier. That should surely makes up for 5 disappointing seasons. Miami 24 - Kansas City 17

Bonus College pick!

The benefits of an SEC education on display.

Alabama -5 vs. LSU
It's number 1 vs. number 2, so you are required by law to watch this, despite having no real rooting interest whatsoever. I've never been to Alabama, and that's not by accident. I once traveled from Georgia to Mississippi via medieval catapult just to avoid 'Bama. And I also had to consult a map to make sure that previous sentence was geographically correct (it is!). It's kind of annoying that both these colleges' fan bases and SEC zealots are already arguing that whoever loses this game should still have a chance at the national title game. There's only about 19 other undefeated teams still, so I say that's crap. To the future losers of this game: YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND YOU BLEW IT! Take the points in this one, the team that's #1 always has more pressure on them: Alabama 27 - LSU 23

Jets +2 at Buffalo
Recent history shows the Jets have owned Buffalo, winning 5 of their last 6 against their neighbors to the north. Fun fact: Did you know that the sentence "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" is considered a valid sentence? Check here for an explanation (and to have your mind blown!). Is that not the funnest fact you have ever read in your life? Work that tidbit in with the boss this week, and you're looking at a raise! Jets 23 Bills 21

The 49ers new wide receiver is 350 pounds of sweetness.

San Francisco -3.5 at Washington 
It's unsettling that this very average 49ers team has one of the best records in the league, and it speaks to the importance of a cake schedule. Teams ride easy schedules to the playoffs all the time. The Jets had a system of doing that every other year. Then they get crushed when it counts. I never do this, but I'm taking the Skins this week. Washington 24 San Fran 14

Cleve +10.5 at Houston 
The Peyton Hillis saga drags into its 8th week. First there was his strep throat, then contract squabbles, then a bad hammy, and last week he got married. It must be sweeps week. It's a storyline that at least 4 people in the world are following. Does the Madden cover jinx explain it all? Perhaps, but the Madden cover never featured someone this average and meat-headed before, so it's hard to tell. Houston 31 Cleveland 17

"I'm counting my money, baby."

Cincinnati +3 at Tennessee 
Despite these teams decent records, this will be an eyesore of a game featuring -1 and -2 yard runs into a cloud of dust (mostly by Chris Johnson, of course). I should have known that when I met Chris Johnson at a club in Vegas during the off-season a couple years ago that he would eventually ruin my 2011 fantasy team. THE SIGNS WERE THERE IN HIS BLOODSHOT EYES. Whoever goes backward the least shall win. I say Cincy wins by 2 safeties. Bengals 16 Tennessee 12

Seattle +11.5 at Dallas 
I've given Seattle no quarter all year, and I'll be damned if I'm going to start now. The plastic face of Jerry Jones will come as close as it possibly can to smiling this week. Dallas 33 Seattle 14.


Baltimore +3.5 at Pitt

Warning: this man is about to annoy you.

Damn, didn't these teams play on like Tuesday? Are they courting? Perhaps an announcement of impending nuptuals is in order. Prepare to hear lots more stuff from Chris effing Berman about their bitter rivalry, and how Ray Lewis has still got it, and the Steelers are now a passing team, blah, blah, blah. The AFC North is a cold sore that will never go away, just like the Swame. Baltimore 13 Pitt 10 (upset special!)

Philly -8 vs. Chicago
Remember when Mike Ditka traded his entire draft for Ricky Williams? Of course you do, because that's all people talk about when Ditka is mentioned now. He also caught 58 passes his rookie year after catching 12 passes his senior year in college. THAT'S A DRAFT STEAL, PLEASE HIRE THAT PRESCIENT SCOUT, JETS. Ditka also chewed gum ferociously, spat whenever he talked, and had an enjoyable turn in Will Ferrell's "Kicking and Screaming" but sadly, no one remembers any of that. Eagles 30 Bears 23

Green Bay -5.5 at San Diego
I'm not sure Rivers tiny hands can handle this tough task. The Gaslamp area better prepare for an infusion of Cheeseheads this weekend. The wholesome and portly Midwest meets Southern Cal debauchery. I don't like where this might lead. Green Bay 38 Chargers 31.

St. Louis +2.5 vs. Arizona 
Not worth anyone's time to break this one down: Arizona 28 St. Louis 21

Even refugees would prefer to avoid the RCA Dome.

Atlanta -7 at Indy
There's nothing like a classic battle between two underachieving dome teams - the fans in the stands at the RCA Dome this week may actually be real refugees from foreign countries that were duped into attending with the promise of food and shelter. Atlanta is coming off a nice win at Detroit, another dome team. Cabin fever may be setting in for the Falcons, that's the only concern for them in this one. For the Colts, it's pretty outrageous that they could get Andrew Luck after 13 years of Peyton Manning. Only Shirley Jackson could appreciate that kind of sick lottery system. Atlanta 27 Indy 16

Last week: 5-0
Overall: 45-27-4
Locks of the week: 5-2
Enjoy the games! This song is worth it for the solo at the 3 minute mark alone: