NFL Wild Card Picks!

"Karate here...not here, Daniel-son!"

Is there a more depressing moment than throwing out your Christmas tree? It's so sad, like walking the Green Mile. "You've brought us great joy sweet tree, but you see... we don't need you anymore, and you're shedding and hogging up space, SO EAT SOME CURB!" It's another reason to dislike the month of January. The holidays are over, and it's back to the old grind and short winter days. But, the next three weekends also provide what Don King likes to call the "splendiforous resplenditude of NFL fabulousity."

Some rules to remember for the Wild Card round: at least one road team will win, at least one home will win in a blow-out and one team that everyone loves will come out and stink. On to the picks...

The Ravens need a big game
from Flacco this week.

Indy +6.5 over Baltimore 
So Ray Lewis is retiring? I don't buy it, this guy will play til he's 50 and will retire and un-retire 8 more times. Like TNT, he knows drama. Lewis hasn't really been good in four years, but he does lead the league in a stat called A.T. (almost tackles). No one is better at the almost tackle than ol' Ray. Troy Polamalu is second. The entire Jets team is tied for third. Anyway, prepare for roughly 1,000 close ups of Lewis screaming at his teammates and most likely openly weeping after Baltimore wins this game. In other words, just like every Ravens game for the last 17 years. Hooray for us all.

Part of me thinks the Colts can win this game because Andrew Luck is already better than Joe Flacco. However, he's got a long way to go to match his eyebrow prowess, or eyebrowess as I call it. I'm taking the points, but I think Baltimore advances by an eyelas- I mean eyebrow hair. T.Y. Hilton will score a TD in this game or his name isn't T.Y. Hilton.
Ravens 23 Indy 20

Green Bay -7.5 over Minnesota 


Betting against this man is unwise.

Let's face it, this is really A.P. vs. Rodgers. They may as well clear everyone off the field and just let these guys go one-on-one. I'm not sure how that would work in football. Peterson would first run over Rodgers, then Rodgers would get up and throw a football as far as he could to no one. Riveting television. It's a good thing I'm not allowed to make up the rules.

I love Peterson, and he is the MVP hands-down, but you can't take Christian Ponder on the road and I mean that literally. He gets home-sick and calls his mommy and insists on taking his blanky with him everywhere. It's sorta cute. Plus, the Packers have all four of their starting receivers back, and they seem to have found a real-life running back in Dujuan Harris. And let's not forget about that frozen tundra. That's worth a touchdown against the spread in January.
Green Bay 34 Minnesota 20

Houston -4.5 over Cincy 
Ahh, here's the one game in four that's not really must-see TV and it's tucked away nicely on Saturday afternoon, like it's saying, "don't look at me, nothing to see here!"

Marvin Lewis, instilling confindence.

Houston's been stumbling down the stretch, while Cincy's been surging behind a defense that has quietly been one of the best in the league. J.J. Watt, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster are too damn good to lose this game. Also, betting on Marvin Lewis in a big game is just not a good idea. Even he can't believe he's still coaching the Bengals.
Texans 27 Bengals 13




Washington +3 over Seattle

Who will be the next Mark Sanchez? Dare to dream, fellas.

RG3 vs. lil' Russell Wilson is easily the best game of the weekend. Wilson's 100 QB rating would be a rookie record, if not for Griffin, who's at 102.4. Interestingly, the last rookie to win two playoff games in a season is Mark Sanchez. Just thought I'd mention that for no reason. Sanchez' NFL career is over, but his Saskatchewan Roughriders career is just getting started! Seattle looks like an unstoppable train and everyone loves them as a Super Bowl dark horse, but they struggled to beat a crappy Rams team at home last week. Wilson was also sacked 6 times. Sometimes teams peak too soon.

Seattle's weakness is their O-line and Washington will blitz the hell out of them this week, just like they did Romo last week. Wilson is roughly 200 times more elusive than Romo, but he also is not the same QB on the road (8 interceptions). If Griffin were healthy I think Washington wins, but he's not, so Seattle squeaks this one out in what should be a great game and moves on to Atlanta next week.
Seahawks 24 Skins 23.

Bonus National Title Game Pick:
Notre Dame +9 over Alabama
Two great defenses could lead to one of the least entertaining National Title games since, well, last year when 'Bama and LSU held that field goal suck-fest that everyone has tried to erase from their memories. It's a shame because there really have not been any good BCS games yet. Thanks again, BCS! At least we get to see Johnny Football vs. the Sooners tonight in a game that means nothing. I digress. I think the Irish have just enough to hang around and keep this game close..notice I said "close" and not "interesting." Bring on the playoff system please.
'Bama 16 N.D. 14

Overall record: 90-85-3

Week 16 NFL Picks! Plus, A Festivus Airing of Grievances

 

 

Instead of my usual cogent football analysis, each of this week's picks will be accompanied by a random observation about life (read: grievances). After an extremely sad and depressing past week and a half, I hope they provide some laughter. Feel free to read this with your inner Seinfeld voice, because "what is the deal with that?" Happy Holidays to all.

Green Bay -13 over Tennessee 
Is every band on the radio Mumford and Sons? Look, they're an ok group, but everyone now sounds like them and I'm sick of it. "And IIIIIIIIIIIIII will take my time...and IIIIIIIIII will sing like this and IIIIII will make all my songs sound the same....sound the same."

Oakland +8.5 over Carolina 
No group of people are more deserving of our scorn than snowboarders. They're the worst. They hog up the slopes, laying about like sea lions on a pier and thinking about their next "big air". Plus, they take up all the room on the chairlift line with that annoying gimp-like waddle they do. They should have their own lifts and their own slopes and separate mountains. And don't get me started on their hats. (shakes fist angrily)

Buffalo +4.5 over Miami 
Ever sneeze into your hand and immediately sniff your hand right after? Why is that smell so enchanting and intoxicating? Would I wear a sneeze-scented perfume? Perhaps not, but I'll take a free sample. This is probably just a guy thing.

Cincy +4 over Pitt
I'm tired of the expression "Too many cooks in the kitchen" and would like to officially propose changing said expression to "Too many dicks on the dance floor." You can use this expression in an office environment nicely: "This project would be done Bob, but there's way too many dicks on the dance floor right now." Hat tip to Flight of the Conchords.

New England -14 over Jacksonville

I hate these. Is it upper case or lower case? Gahhh!

I hate when I have to type letters into one of these security codes to get to my email or some other account. They've made these things so illegible that it takes about 3 tries to get through. I've had it. Stop wasting my time with your indecipherable mind games, Internet!

Indy -6.5 over K.C.
Ever get caught singing way too emphatically and playing kick-ass air guitar while stuck in your car at an intersection. Then you have to play it off like you're talking on a blue tooth that isn't there or adjusting your seatbelt? It happens to me on a semi-weekly basis. This is doubly embarrassing when you're singing No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl,"which I have never done. On an unrelated note, "tinted windows" is on my Christmas list.

Dallas -3 over N. Orleans
When people say a certain type of product, program or system is "integrated" and they're not referring to race, what they are really saying is they have no idea what "integrated" means and they hope you don't either.

Tampa -3 over St. Louis 
I was stuck on an overcrowded train in 100 degree heat in Italy this past summer and there was no A/C (yes, just imagine those smells for a second). As I was contemplating how rich I could become by introducing my new sneeze-scented perfume/deodorant to Europe, I noticed a man eating a block of brie. With nothing else, no bread or cracker, just a hunk of brie straight up. THAT'S INSANE. Brie is way, way down on my list of cheeses I could eat a block of. Now that I think about it, the entire list is: mozzarella, parmesan, cheddar, and gouda gets a maybe. I'm not eating a block of anything else.    

This expression sums up the
Lakers season thus far.

Detroit +4 over Atlanta Thursday night football was really terrible this year. Guys limping around, everybody half-assing it, it was like watching a Lakers game (ZING!). But, the only thing more annoying than the terrible games were all the people that complained about it constantly. Move the games one night to Friday. Problem solved, you're welcome.

Giants -2.5 over Baltimore 
Is there a more conflicted feeling than driving through a store parking lot and not finding even one space to park? On one hand you're frustrated, but on the other you're relieved, because it's like, "this task cannot possibly get completed and it's not my fault...I'm not parking down the street like some chump." 

San Fran pick 'em over Seattle 
Have you ever run out of diapers for your baby and wonder what you could use as a makeshift diaper should the emergency strike? "Well, I could fasten a pork pie hat to his booty with a belt-like contraption and he'll just poop into that. Problem solved! Or hey, no one ever uses this crockpot, right? We're not going back to that store with no parking today, not on my watch."



"I didn't think you could top my suckage, but you came close, bro!"

San Diego +1.5 over Jets
Speaking of what to do with poop, let's talk Jets. The Jets media attention is inversely proportional to how good they are as a team. I wish they would just be allowed to suck in anonymity, but they deserve it because they never shut up. Now they're saying they want to trade Sanchez. Unless there's a new rule where you can trade players to the CFL or the Arena League, I don't think this is happening.

Cleveland +13 over Denver 
Warning...more Jets talk. The Monday night crew were so infuriated with the Jets embarrassing excuse of an offense last Monday that they practically called for Sanchez' and Tony Sparano's head on a stake. This isn't really a grievance, I just found it noteworthy. The veins in Jon Gruden's neck were about to burst and Trent Dilfer and Steve Young looked ready to strangle someone. These guys may to need to take it down a notch.

Chicago -5 over Arizona
I never know what to tip the guy who ties the Christmas tree to the top of the car. I'm assuming it's $5-$10, but it could be more. The service he's providing is arguably more valuable to me than the tree itself. It would take me 'til MLK day to get that tree properly tied to the roof, and I'd rather not have a tree at all than try. He's getting a bigger tip from me....next year. If I remember. Merry Christmas, everyone!


Week 14 Picks: 9-7
Overall record: 84-77-3

NFL Week 14 Picks ...More Hilarious Limericks!

Oh yes, the limericks are back, mainly because I have very few new ideas, so back off, Jack. We are in the home stretch of the season, and most of the playoffs spots are pretty much decided, but so many questions remain...will Matty Ice finally win a playoff game? Will Big Ben ever return? Will the Cowboys fulfill their annual destiny of collapsing in hilarious fashion? Will the Gronk get back to his old bro' self? What year will Greg McElroy be inducted into the Hall of Fame? And, most importantly, how are those awful shows "Whitney" and "Two Broke Girls" both still on the air? I mean, come on!



The Rams are in a pit of despair.

Buffalo -3 over St. Louis
The Rams are stuck in slow motion
All their fans are losing devotion
They need a quick fix
To get back in the mix
Or else Buffalo Bills will apply the lotion

Jets -2.5 over Jacksonville
Sanchez will return once again to start
But he's at his best when holding a chart
Whatever can we do?
Watch more butts run into? 
Must he linger 'round like a bad fart?

San Diego over Pittsburgh
There once was a "qb" named Batch
Who's passes no one could ever catch
He played for many years
And heard nothing but jeers
It's ineptness Phil Rivers can match.

This is why you don't do Jaeger shots
on the sidelines.

Denver -10 over Oakland
The Raiders continue to disgrace
the game of football at a rapid pace
Carson Palmer has stunk
Janikowski's always drunk
But at least they have a classy fanbase.

Carolina +3.5 over Atlanta
Every week the Falcons squeak by
Their great fortune, no one can deny
But that Michael Turner
Is no longer a burner
I've seen glaciers that were more spry

Detroit +6.5 over Green Bay
This guy Suh likes to make QBs hurt
So Rodgers had better be alert
Protect those jewels
From this cheapshotting tool
Crotch injuries are wise to avert

"I would have given you three
houses at USC."

Seattle -10.5 over Arizona
The Cardinals are under duress
As for talent, they couldn't have less
The Seahawks will destroy
Carroll will jump for joy
And forget he left SC a hot mess

New Orleans +5 over Giants
Why does Coughlin's face get so red?
Is it 'cause all the blood's in his head?
He needs to relax
Or wear looser slacks
Just watching him fills me with dread

Miami +10 over San Fran
To the bench the Niners sent Smith
Who's talent was just a big myth
He just couldn't throw
He will have to go
Hey, Sanchez needs someone to golf with.

So much wrong here.

Houston +4 over New England
Let's not make fun of Tom Brady
Because he has hair like a lady
It's his love of sheep
like Little Bo Peep
That I find totally shady

Washington -2.5 over Baltimore
What's up with these cheap shots from Reed?
He's getting fined, Goodell has decreed
It's cool to late hit
'Til they notice it
And you're making Tom Brady bleed

Scary.

Cincy -3 over Dallas
Jerry Jones has had some work done
His face now resembles turkey bacon
These Bengals can play
Dalton will have his day
Upsetting the Cowboys owner/goblin






The rest of the picks (which I couldn't find rhymes for):
Cleveland -5.5 over KC
Philly +7.5 over Tampa Bay
Indy -5.5 over Tennessee
Chicago -2.5 over Minnesota

Last week's record: 10-5-1
Overall: 75-70-3

The Greatest Rock Video Ever? Plus, Week 13 NFL Picks

A little over 20 years ago Guns N' Roses released the Use Your Illusion albums. There were a lot of good songs contained on those two records, and several atrocious ones (hello, My World), but  one of my personal favorites is "Estranged." This is mainly because it spawned one of the most over-the-top, ridiculous music videos of all time. It's a video that involves Axl Rose jumping off of an aircraft carrier, Slash soloing in front of an ocean full of dolphins and a plot more intricate than "Trapped in the Closet."

This was the video where the boys from GNR said, "we are on top of the world, let's burn this mother down." Frankly, I think it deserves further exploration and dissection with a Deep Dish video breakdown. We did this last year with Soundgarden's awful "Black Hole Sun" to great acclaim. So put on your flannel and come back with me to the year 1993...



00-0:30: This first thirty seconds of the video really sets the tone for what we're about to receive. First, a definition of the word "illusion." Thank you, it's about damn time someone explained it. Consider the stage officially set! Next, hey a tire swing and a swingset....but no one is on it. Innocence has clearly been lost. But who's? Everyone's, that's who.

0:30-1:25: Have you ever seen a SWAT team that also doubles as an EMT unit? Well, you have now, thanks to Rock! By the way, the production value here is just top notch. It's like a Michael Bay movie, or an episode of CSI, everything's all blue and green and flashlights abound. That dinosaur's shadow also had me scared for a second there. What a sneaky metal band they were. Hey, there's Axl curled up in the fetal position, he's not in good shape. Again. We may have to get the straight jacket and go all "Welcome to the Jungle" on him again.

The models are not impressed.

1:25-2:20: We interrrupt this police raid for standard concert footage. Have to admit, even though it's cliche, watching a stadium fill up with people thru time-lapse photography gets me everytime. It's like PEOPLE HAVE ARRIVED, RAISE YOUR GOBLET TO ROCK.

2:20-2:55: The plot thickens, one of Axl's illegitimate children make an appearance. And of course models watch the concert and nod condescendingly, comfortably aloof from the proceedings. The strobe lights are not appreciated and may send me into a coma at any moment.

"No one understands my rock problems."

2:56-3:55: The band finishes the concert, but they appear tired, because the road is a bitch, you know? And here we go, Axl has left his sleeping body behind and is drifting like a spirit. Because really, who needs this business? It's supposed to be ABOUT THE MUSIC. He returns to the fetal position in the shower, and then a girl who may or may not represent a young Slash slides down a pole for no apparent reason. Say what you will about this video, but these Slash solos are still epic.

3:56:-5:20: Ah yes, Axl's mansion in the hills. The perils of rock and roll decadence on full display. Is it a mansion though, or the world's most expensive daycare/insane asylum? Lots of kids trotting about and people that look like nurses. We then get a much needed definition of Estranged with a bonus meaning! I think Webster's got a kickback on this video. And everything is white - white outfits, white limos, white walls, white dogs, but then... a black elephant. Oh, what does it all mean? Other than the obvious conclusion that Axl is pretty much racist. But that's too easy.

5:20-5:30 Don't you hate it when a dolphin emerges from the tour plane? This is what happens when you hire Jacques Cousteau as your stagehand because you're kajillionaires. Mo aquatic special effects, mo problems. This song still has over 4 minutes left, don't go anywhere.

These are ideal conditions for electric guitar.

5:31-7:00: Now we're on the Sunset Strip, after an apparent flood. The crowd of people outside the Rainbow sure seem ambivalent about Slash rocking out a solo on the freaking sidewalk like a boss. C'mon people, it's Slash, not C.C. DeVille. Slash could've thrown his hat down and made at least $50 bucks here. Opportunity missed. I think that's Matt Dillon from "Singles" smoking a cigarette at the 6:43 mark.

7:01-8:30: Here's the part of the song where we jump off of ships! Luckily, a random bandmate is aboard swabbing the deck and throws Axl a lifeline. Is that Izzy, Gilby or Dizzy? Or Daffy? It doesn't matter, Mr. Rose has no need for your flotation devices today, good sir. He has his dolphin friends to help him, and they ask nothing in return. Slash rises from the depths to take his 8th face-melting solo on a 9-minute song. It's not overdoing it though, because this one is a sunset solo and includes dolphin noises, so it's way different than the others.

8:31-9:00: Duff McKagan makes a cameo appearance and is all "hey, remember me? I'm still in this band, too, wait don't go, I'm more than a bassist, remember the first chords of 'It's So Easy'? All my idea...noooo!"

9:01-9:30: The real star of this video is that Charles Manson shirt. What a great Christmas gift idea..."I saw that shirt and I thought of you, honey! Let's listen to the White album." There's no way that shirt smells good. If you can't find a shirt that says "I'm drunk on fame and going insane," I guess you buy that Manson shirt instead.




This dolphin sadly died 12 seconds later.

9:30-9:51: We wrap it up with a final definition of "disillusion." I'm super prepared for those SATs now. Axl's Converse drifts to the ocean bottom and we finish with him sitting on a couch with a dolphin, smirking like, "yup, can you believe you just saw that?" And the dolphin is wearing a flannel shirt, because why not. Rock masterpiece complete. Fin (Word play!)  









Week 13 NFL Picks 
Atlanta -3.5 over N. Orleans
Chicago -3.5 over Seattle
Minny +9 over Green Bay
San Fran -7 over St. Louis
Arizona +4.5 over Jets
Carolina -2.5 over KC
Indy +4.5 over Detroit
Buff -6 over Jacksonville
Miami +7.5 over N. England
Cincy -1.5 over San Diego
Houston -5.5 over Tenn
Tampa +7 over Denver
Dallas -10 over Philly
Washington +2.5 over Giants
Balt. -5 over Pitt
Cleve +2 over Oak


Week 11 Record: 9-4 (week 12 was my bye week)
Overall record: 65-65-2 (Back to .500!)

NFL Week 11 Picks, Plus Favorite Quotes from "Revolution" That Were Never Actually Said

So, there's this new show on NBC called Revolution. If you've heard of it, please excuse this brief description: the power went out all over the world and SHIT GOT REAL. Many of our East Coast friends can more than relate to this right now. On "Revolution," no one knows how or why the power went out, but the world becomes an apocalyptic wasteland over the course of 15 years and grass grows really high, because lawn care was the first thing to go.

I've only seen one episode (as far as you know), and was unimpressed with this fairly obvious attempt to rip off elements of "The Hunger Games" and "Lost." Not that I'm fan of "Lost" - those last couple of seasons were an abomination. Hey, let's spin a big wheel and move the island! Brilliant!

Anyway, this particular episode revolved around a group of misfits with surprisingly stylish hair saving a Peter Pan like crew of kid rebels. It was all very "A-Team." The lead actress, Tracy Spiridakos, is hilarious. She walks around with a bow and arrow that should say "Katniss" on it and acts every scene with her eyes (clearly a graduate of the esteemed Tyra Banks drama academy).

As I watched this new show, I kept hoping for certain lines of dialogue to be said, and they were not. This disappoints me to no end. There were some great one-liners that were out there ready for the taking, and they just drifted away into the dark, dark world. I've done this once before with Hawaii 5-0, and I will do it again here. Here are some great lines that should be said in "Revolution," but most probably won't ever be, and that is a tragedy:

"Well, of coursed I'm pissed, I haven't listened to my Ipod in 15 years!"
"It may be dark around the world, but I see a light in your eyes, girl."
"Just look at all those Pop Tarts...and not a working toaster to be found."
"I knew my degree in candle-making would pay off someday."

"You hated me on Lost. Hate me again
on this show."

"Hey honey, I'm home from hunting, what's on TV tonight...dammit, I keep forgetting!"
"Man, I sure wish people in the 2000s had conserved energy better. Those bastards."
"I used to love the sunset. Not anymore"....(sheds tear)


"Let me go, and I'll give you my DVD
collection."

"I so wish I could tweet what an A-hole you're being right now."



"Look, we can either make out or join the revolution,
we can't do both."

"Listen kid, there was this thing called Pandora and you could listen to all this music online, but then this other thing called Spotify came along and...ahh forget it, it's not gonna make sense."

"No, I'm Rizzoli, she's Isles, get it straight!" (crossover episode)

"Looks like (removes sunglasses)...someone dimmed his lights for good." (special guest appearance by David Caruso).



Week 11 NFL Picks
Buffalo -2 over Miami
Washington -3.5 over Philly
Green Bay -3.5 over Detroit
Arizona +10 over Atlanta
Tampa -1.5 over Carolina
Cleveland +7.5 over Dallas
Saint Louis -3 over Jets
Indy +9.5 over New England
Cincy -3 over K.C.
Oak +5 over N. Orleans
San Diego +7.5 over Denver
Baltimore -3.5 over Pitt
San Fran over Chicago

Last week: 5-8
Season: 56-61-2

Week 9 NFL Picks!

What a triumphant week for America. Yes we can! What I'm obviously referring to is that the New York Mets released Jason Bay on Wednesday. A former slugger, Bay hit 26 homers for the Mets in three seasons while batting .234. He was actually even worse than those numbers appear. He batted .165 last year. Half of the Mets pitching staff had a higher batting avg. than him. He never got a hit in a big spot, and he never adjusted to what pitchers were throwing him. He wasn't much of a fielder either.

Jason Bay's Met career in summary.

But, it's hard not to feel bad for him. He always played hard, and said the right things, and by all acounts he was a good teammate. He just happened to lose all his skills practically overnight. Suffering two concussions certainly didn't help, nor did getting booed regularly. How can you not feel bad for him? But, then I remember he's already earned over $40 million from the Mets, and will earn $17 million this year sitting at home on the couch. It is doubtful he ever plays again in the majors. That adds up to about $55,000 per Cheeto he will eat next summer. Now I'm just jealous. And kind of hungry. Vaya con Dios, Jason Bay.

On to the picks:

Buffalo +11 over New England

Get this man the ball, Buffalo!

The Bills don't give CJ Spiller the ball 25 times a game, because, well they're the Bills, and aren't great at the whole talent evaluation thing. Tom Brady rocked an interesting tweed coat to an Aerosmith concert this week, apparently with no shirt underneath. I mean, WTF? What a d-bag move. The collection of his embarrassing photos continues to grow with each passsing day. Plus, who the hell goes to Aerosmith concerts anymore? Most overrated band in rock history.

Giants -4 over Cincy
I'm a big fan of this Eli Manning Looks at Things Tumblr. How about one of him looking at Tom Brady in that dumb tweed coat? Too much to ask?

Tampa -3 over San Diego
Doug Martin will set another record and have 400 yards rushing this week. ON ONE PLAY. On the flip side, Norv Turner will also set a record by punting on 4th and short 38 times.

Detroit -2 over Minnesota
What is up with Calvin Johnson? Only 1 TD catch so far this year. Well, for one, he's getting sextuple teamed...and not in the good way (said in a Rodney Dangerfield voice). Stafford needs to realize everyone else is wide open for TDs galore.

Carolina +4 over Denver
Carolina has looked better in recent weeks, and Denver is due for a hiccup.

"I'll stop this train...I mean land this plane!"

Miami -6 over Tennessee
I watched the movie "Flight" this past week, and I now never want to step on a plane again. Thanks, Hollywood. I enjoy how Denzyl Washington is slowly working his way through the transportation industry with devastating effects. Last year was the runaway train in "Unstoppable," a couple of years before that was the ferry destruction in "Deja Vu"... I'm not sure what his next move could be, he's running out of modes of transport. My hope is some sort of runaway Segway. He could just be on it the whole time with his feet tied to it or something, going "Okay...Alright...let's go!"

New Orleans +2 over Atlanta
A strangely low line that seems to be going with the logic that the Falcons have to lose sometime.

Jets +6 over Seattle
Tony Sparano and Mark Sanchez in a hostile environment...yikes, get the adult diapers ready. The Jets won't win this game, but Seattle doesn't blow anyone out. Seahawks have protected the diminutive Russell Wilson nicely by attempting the fewest amount of passing plays in the league, but the Jets are solid against the run and should be able to slow down Lynch. Seahawks win in a close one. Look for Tebow to play, celebrate wildly on 3 yard runs and thoroughly screw up any momentum the Jets have. Like always.

Oakland +8 over Baltimore
This one looks too easy, so I'm going opposite.

Dallas -2 over Philly


"I'm reading Clock Management for Dummies,
I'll give it to you when I'm done."

Philly is toast. Repeat toast. This could be Andy Reid's last game. It could also be Jason Garrett's last game. It's a total COACH OFF. They should just settle things with a pre-game tractor race, Footloose style.

Houston +1 over Chicago
JJ Watt against Jay Cutler. Wouldn't be surprised to see Cutler come up with a little case of this this Sunday.

Two games I don't care about:
San Francisco -11.5 over St. Louis
Pitt -12.5 over K.C.


Last week: 7-6
Overall record: 51-53-2

Week 9 NFL Picks, Plus Mid-Season Awards

We've come to the midpoint of another NFL season, so it's time for some reflection and review of the most valuable and least valuable players so far. There's nothing more cliche than doling out mid-season awards, but it's either this or review the Jets' trainwreck, and I'm not going down that road, it's too depressing.

AFC Half Season MVP Offense: Peyton Manning, Broncos

"Utah, get me two!"

There are some other fine candidates here, including Big Ben, Arian Foster and the scarf-loving, sheep-courting Tom Brady. But for me, it's Manning or GTFO. The man is playing on a spindly neck that's supporting a giant head that's barely attached to his spine and still getting it done despite a weaker arm. Meanwhile, I'm subjected to watching strongnecked Mark Sanchez fire balls into opposing D-lineman every week.

AFC Half Season LVP Offense: Shonne Greene, Jets
What a worthless running back. Greene runs with a refrigerator repair store on his back. He couldn't gain you a yard if you spotted him 2.9 feet. Of course he put together one great game against a terrible team to fool people into thinking he's still decent. I AM NOT IMPRESSED, SHONNE!

J.J. Watt was built by Cyberdyne Systems in the year 2088.

AFC Half-Season MVP Defense: J.J. Watt, Texans
J.J. Watt is possibly not born of this earth. Perhaps he was chiseled from a meteorite and fused with scalding hot magma. Or maybe he was sent from the future for the sole purpose of spiking quarterback's heads into the field turf and swatting their passes into the ionosphere (way higher than stratosphere). The Looper of defensive ends. Regardless, the fact is, he can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity remorse or fear. And he absolutely will not stop UNTIL QBs ARE DEAD....this scouting report is brought to you by Kyle Reese.

AFC Half-Season LVP Defense: Mario Williams, Bills
Williams makes a bejillion dollars and has three sacks and 13 tackles in 7 games and is terrible against the run. He's also Buffalo's best player. Well done, Bills. Runner up for this award? Any Jets linebacker.

NFC Half Season MVP Offense: Adrian Peterson, Vikings
Tempted to give this to Matt Ryan, because the Falcons are undefeated and he's got no running game, but he does have outstanding receivers. So we go with Peterson, who's come back from a serious knee injury to lead the league in rushing. The dude is a beast.

"Go free ball, you're better off without me carrying you."

NFC Half Season LVP Offense: Michael Turner, Falcons
There are beached whales and there is Michael Turner. Beached whales have a better chance at gaining 3 yards a carry even with no opposable thumbs. This is the first year I've had Michael Turner on my fantasy team, because I am brilliant. He's had about 100 rushing attempts inside the 10 yard line this year and only scored 3 touchdowns. How efficient! Runner up: Michael Vick (and it was very close).

NFC Half Season MVP Defense: Tim Jennings, Bears
Jennings already has 6 interceptions and 13 passes defensed. He would have 21 interceptions if he got to face Jay Cutler every week. There's nothing like a shutdown corner. He makes me weep for my old friend Revis. Runner ups: Charles Tillman, Bears and Chad Greenway, Vikings, a tackling machine.



DeAngelo Hall leads the league
 in Ghost Tackles.

NFC Half-Season LVP Defense: DeAngelo Hall and the Redskins secondary Hall has always been one of the more overrated players in the league, but he's taken it to new heights this year, getting toasted enough times to make a Pop Tart envious. The Redskins secondary is on pace to give up more than 5,000 yards receiving.

Week 9 Picks:
Denver -3.5 over Cincy
Green Bay -11 over Arizona
Miami -2 over Indy
Cleveland +3.5 over Baltimore
Buffalo +10.5 over Houston
Carolina +3.5 over Washington
Detroit -4 over Jacksonville
Chicago -3.5 over Tennessee
Seattle -4.5 over Minnesota
Tampa +1.5 over Oakland
Dallas +4 over Atlanta
NYG -3.5 over Pittsburgh
Philly +3.5 over New Orleans