Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Predicting Tim Tebow's First Season With Jets


Today, the inevitable happened. The LOLJets traded a fourth and sixth round pick for Tim Tebow. It's a historic trade, because the Jets are now the first NFL team to officially troll their own fan base. It started a few weeks ago when they inexplicably extended Mark Sanchez' contract and made him one of the highest paid QBs in the game, despite the fact that he is coming off a year where he was barely average and led the league in fumbles. Most glaring, he was terrible in December when all they needed was one more win to get into a wide open playoffs. They also signed him right as Peyton Manning was available. But why go after one of the most accurate QBs in league history, when you can get Tim Tebow? Apparently, the Jets "brain trust" decided that they didn't have enough QBs on their roster that possessed questionable arm strength and accuracy issues.

Update: ESPN is now reporting the trade may not got through (a miracle!) because of some wording in Tebow's contract. Probably the wording is "thou shall not trade Tim Tebow to a city full of sin, such as New York or New Orleans or you shall feel the wrath of...". But, for entertainment purposes, let's see how Timmy's first season with the Jets could have played out in timeline form:

April 4: Tebow shows up at camp 2 months early and starts training 24/7. Because he's Tim Tebow dammit and sleep is for sinners. 

April 28: After watching Tebow throw for a week, Jets new offensive coordinator Tony Sparano resigns. Jets bring in Brett Favre to tutor Tebow. Tebow tells Brett, "just don't text me, bro."

May 24: Tebow meets Antonio Cromartie at Jets facilities. Tebow forgives Cromartie for disparaging comments and asks if Cro would like his illegitimate kids blessed and circumsized. Cromartie punches Tebow. Tebow turns other cheek and is punched again. Cromartie is suspended for first 8 weeks of season. 

"Someday I hope to be as accurate as you, Mark."
August 10: In his first preseason game, Tebow enters the game in the fourth quarter and completes 3 of 13 passes with two interceptions against the Eagles 5th string defense that consists largely of 40-year old gym teachers. Jets coach Rex Ryan praises his "winning intangibles". When asked what intangibles actually are, Ryan says "they are like little tasty snacks." The QB controversy begins. 

August 28th: In his last preseason game, Tebow plays quarterback, running back, fullback, tight end, free safety and special teams. He plays every position poorly, but no one notices that part. Jets extend Tebow's contract through 2014.

2012 Regular Season: 
Week 1: Mark Sanchez throws 4 tds and 3 picks, and Tebow converts a key fourth down as Jets win in overtime. All is well. Jets extend Sanchez' contract through 2020. Skip Bayless writes that Tebow should start.

Week 4: Sanchez has a historic day, fumbling 9 times in a blowout loss to Seattle. Matt Flynn, who the Jets could have signed, throws for 5 TDs. Fans start chanting for Tebow in 4th quarter. On ESPN radio, Colin Cowherd clamors for Tebow and claims the Jets have "you problem" and not a "me problem" whatever that means.

Week 8: After Sanchez pulls his hamstring in a freak nightclub dancing accident, Tebow gets his first start. He goes 5 for 25 with 2 interceptions, but Jets beat winless Jacksonville 6-3. 

Week 12: Tebow wins his 5th straight game, despite completing 4 passes for negative 140 yards. Santonio Holmes retires in frustration. Skip Bayless' head explodes with delight.

Week 17: Playing for their playoff lives, Jets lead Dolphins at halftime by 28 points thanks to Darrelle Revis' four interception return TDs. During halftime, Jets extend Tebow through 2035 with an option for 2036. After halftime, Tebow throws 5 picks and Jets lose. Mark Sanchez watches from bench, happily enjoying a hot dog and checking his bank account statements.

No comments:

Post a Comment