Thursday, October 27, 2011

Week 8 NFL PICKS! Jamaica Dub Version

It'll be a short post this week, as the Deep Dish is going on a much needed vacation/press trip to Jamaica. I promise to bring back some of the country's finest exports... I meant coffee, you stoners.

Another pass destined for the turf.
Baltimore -13.5 vs. Arizona 
Anyone who sat through the Baltimore-Jacksonville game would and should be shocked at this point spread. Joe Flacco would be a great QB if the goal of football was to throw the ball where no one else can find it. He's playing football Hide and Seek. He's a Houdini out there. Arizona is quite bad, but should be able to cover this line even if they get shutout. Baltimore 16 - Arizona 12

Cleveland +9.5 at San Francisco
Last week's Browns-Seahawks "game" set professional football back many years. Welcome to the 1930s everybody, pass the soup! Everyone who witnessed the "game" instantly went home and cried in the shower. The NFL has wisely confiscated all recordings of it and erased it. Don't look for highlights, they no longer exist. 49ers 20 Browns 9

New England -2.5 at Pittsburgh
Like always, Tom Brady spent his bye week at his secluded baby goat farm high in the Andes Mountains. The question remains will he be able to re-acclimate to sea level conditions? Similarly, Bill Belichick spent his bye week at his favorite retreat - the seventh rung of hell with all his minions. Though both men will surely be refreshed, look for Pittsburgh to pull off the mini-upset here. Steelers 27 - Pats 24.
Did Tom Brady take advantage of these mountain goats during the bye week? Almost certainly.

Detroit -3 at Denver
Easiest game on the board. Yes, St. Timothy of Assisi did pull off his first miracle last week. But everyone knows, when a future saint pulls off a miracle, he usually takes about a month before performing his next one. Miracles can be exhausting. Detroit 31 Denver 20 (lock of the week)

Miami +9.5 at NYG
Though the Dolphins collapsed in historic fashion last week, higher powers were at work, so we'll give them a pass. This pt. spread is the same as the Giants had against Seattle a few weeks ago when they lost outright, so beware. Eli Manning can't be trusted as a big favorite, because he truly enjoys throwing interceptions and making whiny faces at the camera. Giants 24 Miami 17

Friday, October 21, 2011

Week 7 NFL PICKS - Do you feel lucky, punk?

Harry likes the Chargers this die.
This is the week where many teams realized how truly screwed they are, and we can all benefit. Players start pointing fingers, blame gets assigned, and several teams throw stuff against a wall and see what sticks, as evidenced by the classic move: rolling the dice with new QBs. The Raiders traded for the artist formerly known as Carson Palmer, Washington is starting a guy named Beck who I think worked on my car last week, and most importantly, Denver is starting Jesus Tebow. The water fountains may flow with wine this week down in Miami. But don't be fooled, don't bet on any of these teams, you will rue the day. Rue, I say! 

Warning: this box contains 10 pieces of heaven.
San Diego -1.5 at Jets 
Two teams that have not played that well this year, but the Chargers are 4-1. They are better at being bad than the Jets. Rex Ryan got into some hot water when he mentioned that if he'd have gotten the Charger job a few years ago, he'd "have several rings" by now. In his defense, I think he meant ring-dings, which are delicious, and he is a snack maven. And, even if it was a mean-spirited comment, it's true that Norv Turner is a horrible coach, and everyone knows it. He's been coaching for a dozen years and has 4 playoff wins with extremely talented teams. Rex has 4 playoff wins in two years with Mark freaking Sanchez. Advantage snacks! Jets 24 - Chargers 20

Judge Smailes was a notoriously slow golfer.
Chicago +1 at Tampa Bay  
Other than Devin Hester coming at you like a spider monkey, this game just isn't that interesting, so it's time for my pet peeve of the week: slow golfers. You know who you are. You ruin people's weekends across our fine country. Don't address every shot like the Masters title is on the line. Don't take 12 practice swings that get progressively worse with each swing. Excuse me Mr. Ben Hogan, but you're putting to save a 9. Step up and miss your putt and get off my damn green! Bears 21 Tampa 20

Washington +3 at Carolina 
The Redskins have made the bold switch from Rex Grossman to John Beck, who was not even good enough to stay on the Dolphins. This is like switching from 7 grain to 12 grain bread. The difference is negligible, and both induce visits to the toilet. And who is counting these grains? Will there be 40 grain bread some day? That will blow out some colons. Where does it end? Carolina 27 Washington 20

Largent was Seattle's only claim to fame until grunge.
Seattle + 3 at Cleveland 
I have a loyal Seattle reader that would like me to say something nice about the Seahawks. Well, Steve Largent was good a long time ago, and I enjoyed the Blades brothers in their day... sorry, that's all I got. Even though Cleveland is awful, the Seahawks cannot win two road games in a row. I forbid it. Cleveland 23 Seahawks 17

Houston + 3 at Tennessee 
Last week teams that were coming off a bye played horribly. I hear Tennessee spent their bye week coloring, playing hopskotch and taking naps, so I predict that trend will continue and Houston squeaks out a win. Houston 30 Tenn 20

Green Bay -9.5 over Minnesota 
Minnesota sure thrilled the masses on Sunday night with a truly awful performance against an average Bears team. Now they turn to rookie Christian Ponder against the champs. The 9.5 point spread seems high until you realize Minnesota won't score more than 6 points in this one. Green Bay 31 Minn. 6

Pittsburgh -3.5 at Arizona 
This appears to be the easiest game on the board. Kevin Kolb against the Steeler pass rush is quite a mismatch. But, Kolb against the local flag football league pass rush would be a mismatch also, so maybe it's all relative. Pitt 28 Arizona 21 (lock of the week) 

Did Pullman really deserve 3rd billing here?
Denver +1.5 at Miami
Our "Suck for Luck" game of the week should be an assault on all that's good about football. In last week's pick column I made my most prescient prediction of the year - that Tim Tebow would start the 2nd half of the game vs. San Diego. AND HE DID. I admit I feel like Alec Baldwin in "Malice" right now. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PRAYING TO, TIM? I AM YOUR GOD NOW. I digress, if Miami doesn't win this game, they may go 0-16, and as cool as that would be, it can't happen. They have to give a minimum amount of effort here, or risk blatant tanking accusations. It's too early for those accusations, wait till about week 11. Miami 21 - Denver 16
Kyle Boller doing what he does best, handing off.

K.C. + 5.5 at Oakland 
As they say, the Autumn Wind is a Raider, and the wind reeks of musty desperation this week. Trading two-first round picks for Carson Palmer? This deserves one of those "Really?" sessions on SNL. Palmer will be fun to watch this week in the way that circus performers are fun to watch. You have to really feel for Kyle Boller. The Raiders just basically said they'd rather mortgage their future and trade for a corpse than ever watch him throw another pass. That's pretty cold. Raiders 13 Kansas City 10

St. Louis +13 at Dallas 
Dallas ruined my bold upset pick last week by going all Sally Mae in the 4th quarter to preserve Romo's psyche. This week that won't be necessary, easy win for the 'Boys. Dallas 30 Rams 13

New Orleans -14 vs. Indy
Some things will always remain unexplained like Bigfoot, UFOs, the Bermuda Triangle...and how that show "Yes, Dear" stayed on so many years. We'll also never know whether Colts Jim Caldwell is a robot or not. Saints 34 Colts 17.

Atlanta +4 at Detroit 
Detroit came crashing back to earth and gave away a game to the 49ers which led to Coach-Handshake gate. I love when handshakes get awkward. This could have all been avoided if they just went with the classic fist-bump followed by the "blow it up" gesture, which I invented as far as you know. That's totally my hand and you can't prove otherwise. Detroit 31 Atlanta 28

Baltimore -8.5 at Jacksonville
What a horrible game. Monday Night Football has failed us again. Baltimore 24 Jacksonville 13
I leave you with a new feature, my obscure good song of the week...this one's for the lady readers, a very catchy song by those frisky indie rockers Rilo Kiley:

Last Week: 7-4-2 
Overall: 31-24-3
Locks of the week: 3-2

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Casting the Gaddafi Movie

Gaddafi in his most intellectual pose.
Is it too soon to start casting "The Gaddafi Story"? Perhaps, but I don't think he's quite going to get the reverential Steve Jobs treatment. He invented no apps whatsoever. Sure, that's way down on the list of his sins, but still, what a jerk. There's really only a handful of actors with the combined acting skills and sheer unattractiveness to properly play this role. Let's take a look at the pros and cons of the top candidates:

Is my name Edwin or Edward? You decide!
Edward James Olmos
Pros: Just look at the man. He's a dead ringer for the Gadfly (as his friends called him, true story). Plus, he's got that low guttural delivery that provides instant gravitas. 
Cons: Lieutenant Castillo from Miami Vice fame hasn't really been in a lot lately, has he? When his agent gets a call about a role for him he says, "Really? Are you sure?" Then he gets out of his office/car and celebrates. But with a recent roll in Dexter and Battlestar Galactica, Olmos is at least catching more roles than Crockett and Tubbs lately.
Fun fact: Up until a few minutes ago, I thought his name was Edwin not Edward. That's on me.

Santana could be "so smooth" in this role. Sorry.
Carlos Santana
Pros: The famous guitarist is no stranger to acting. Remember how he acted like Rob Thomas was a real musician in that annoying duet they had? So believable. Warning, do not start to think of that riff, it will ruin your day...."Man, it's a hot one, like seven inches from the midday sun...". Sorry.
According to IMDB, he also played a character named El Fuego on Burn Notice. Of course he did. That's the kind of experience we're looking for here. Also, if we wanted to make "The Gaddafi Story" into a fun-loving musical, he may be our guy. He could bust out the guitar after every execution and bam, the party's on!
Cons: No offense to Burn Notice, but basic cable isn't going to cut it here.
Fun fact: Also plays catcher for the Cleveland Indians. What range!

Tommy Lee Jones will find you, he's got the free time.
  Tommy Lee Jones 
Pros: He's fallen on some hard times, reduced to doing commercials lately, but check him out here, the talent is still undeniable. I mean he downs that little Japanese coffee drink like a boss. I just bought a case of that stuff, I was so moved. Whether we like it or not, he'll find this role by searching every outhouse, doghouse, cathouse, hen-house, know the drill.  
Cons: This would ruin Jones' streak of playing a Federal agent or Marshall in 39 straight movies. You can't really mess with that streak. 
Fun fact: Has never been in my kitchen.

"I'm not only the skin-graft president, I'm also a client!"
Mickey Rourke
Pros: There is no way in hell Mickey Rourke turns down this role. Plus, there is no need for make-up on this one, the skin grafting similarities are downright scary. And you know Rourke would throw himself into the roll in classic Method style. He'd move to Tripoli for a year prior to shooting and live on nothing but goat milk and peyote.
Cons: There's a 90 percent chance he goes crazy and actually starts to think he is Gaddafi.
Fun fact: His dream role is the lead in "The Gary Busey Story".

Friday, October 14, 2011


Wes Welker out of uniform.
No messing around this week, lets get right to the picks:

New England -7.5 vs. Dallas 
After a one-week hiatus for repairs, the Romo-coaster is back. Buckle up and keep your hands inside the car. Some of Tony's better weapons are also back including Miles Austin, who really should be acting in soaps or beginning his first semester at Choate with a name like that. For the Patriots, little Wes Welker is about to break all sorts of receiving records. I remember thinking when he became the first real live troll to play in the NFL that the best was yet to come. He doesn't have a big ego about it either, he's still just Wes from under the bridge.
Dallas 31 New England 28 

Another reason to root against the Steelers.
Steelers -12.5 vs. Jacksonville
Oh goody, just what we need, the Steelers are great again. We just can't keep that blue-collar city down...yawn. Blaine "Yo Gabba" Gabbert will be running for his life this week, and I don't think he's that fast. Blaine will be in pain. Steelers 24 Jax 10   

Philly -1.5 at Washington 
Rumor has it Mike Shanahan will start John Riggins and Ernest Byner this week just to mess with fantasy owners of Ryan Torain. Gerald Riggs will also get some carries. I've decided to go down with the sinking S.S. Philadelphia. There's no hope of rescue because Andy Reid traded the life boats for 6 cheese blintzes and a 7th round pick in 2015. Eagles 27 Skins 23

The Bucs played the role of the
gimp in American Horror Story
and nailed it

New Orleans -4.5 at Tampa 
Tampa was the true American Horror Story last week, losing 41-3. By the way, that is one disturbing show, and I highly recommend it. I haven't slept for four days since watching it, good times. It's interesting how throwing the word "American" into a title can help make a movie a hit - "American  Pie", "American Beauty", "American Graffiti", "American Psycho" etc. But, we forget about the instances where it didn't work so well. No one remembers "American Hobo", "American Spelunker" or "American Toll Collector" and for good reason. New Orleans 30 Tampa 27
San Francisco +4.5 at Detroit 
Two surprisingly good teams square off here, although the 49ers haven't really played anyone that good yet. Stanford would be 5-0 with that same schedule, because Andrew Luck is your daddy. By the way, I went into my backyard to throw out the trash yesterday, and Calvin Johnson leaped out and caught it. He dove right into the trash can, the guy is unstoppable. It was pretty cool, but I wish he hadn't spiked the trash bag like that afterwords. I'm not picking that up, Calvin.
Detroit 20 San Fran 17

Go with Opposite George and take the Giants.
Giants -3 vs. Bills 
The Giants cruelly murdered thousands of suicide pools last week. If Plaxico Burress got 3 years for shooting himself in the leg, the Giants should get 4 years for losing at home to the Seahawks. Mayor Bloomberg needs to take action. The G-men are the classic "Opposite George" team - every instinct you have about them is wrong, so the opposite must be true. This week the Bills seem like the obvious play, so I'm taking NY. Argue against this logic, I dare you.  Giants 31 Bills 27 

Minnesota +3 at Chicago 
Once a storied rivalry, this game is now known as the bi-annual Who Gives a Rat's Ass Bowl. It is a little bit fun to see Cutler knocked around like a pinata, though. He should put candy in his jersey and helmet. But beware, pinatas sometimes strike back:  Chicago 20 Minnesota 14 (lock of the week)  

Oakland -6.5 vs. Cleveland 
The Raiders got a lot of mileage and inspiration out of Al Davis' passing last week. Rumor has it he will be propped up on the sideline this week wearing a jumpsuit and sunglasses. Hey, you don't mess with winning streaks. Weekend at Bernie's continues to teach us many lessons even 20 years later.  Oakland 17 Cleveland 14

Al Davis has never looked better.
Indy +7 at Cincinnati 
The Colts went down in epic fashion last week, blowing a 17 point lead, and worse, ruining one of my lock of the week picks. I now hate them. Which leads to my random pet peeve of the week: People who talk to themselves and announce everything they do while they work: we have a new admin girl at my office and all day she's like "I'm checking my email now!", and "just gonna make some coffee" and "just gonna staple this right here" and "just gonna make a phone call now." Are you kidding me, lady? I'm just gonna grab you a tall cup of shut the hell up, very soon. Cincinnati 27 Colts 21

Atlanta -3.5 vs. Carolina
I do declare Atlanta has done me wrong this year. They are 1-4 against the spread, despite my unwavering support. They are not Southern gentleman and I'd like to slap them about the face with a glove and demand satisfaction. Meanwhile, Carolina is 5-0 against the spread. Atlanta 29 Carolina 24

Green Bay -15 vs. St. Louis
Aaron Rodgers has gone from ludicrous to plaid.
This spread could be 24 points and nobody would blink at it. Aaron Rodgers is not even just ridiculously, or ludicrously good any more. He has gone to plaid, folks. He should wear a kilt out there. At this point, the Rams may as well come back to L.A., like a significant other begging for forgiveness after a bad break-up. But you can't just waltz back into our lives like nothing happened, Rams. Sorry... I choose me! Packers 35 Rams 9 

Houston +7.5 at Baltimore 
Even without Andre Johnson playing for the Texans, this line is crazy high. Like Chris Tucker on a Saturday afternoon high. When you think about it, it's kind of dumb to be called the Houston Texans. You don't see the Miami Floridians, or the Green Bay Wisconsinites, or the  Arizona Arizonans do you? Get over yourselves, Texas. Houston 24 Baltimore 21

The Dolphins have cut Dan Carpenter
for the veteran, Ray Finkle.
Miami +7 at Jets
If the Jets lose this game, their season is pretty much over. Miami is terrible, but always plays the Jets tough, and they have a new kicker, Ray Finkle, that I hear is outstanding. The Jets refuse to gain more than 4 yards on any play, because that's false hustle and not old-school football. Jets 24 Miami 23 

Overall Record: 24-20-1
Locks of the week: 2-2
Last week: 5-7-1 (my bad!)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Inside Hollywood: How Terrible Remakes Happen

Shame on you America for making
this the #1 movie
Once again we take you behind Hollywood's velvet ropes for an exclusive look at how movies get made. Ever notice how Hollywood annoyingly recycles old movie favorites and shoves them down our collective throats? Obviously, this is a combination of being out of ideas, and being afraid to take chances with the few new ideas they have. It's also because, let's face it, apparently we'll watch anything. If you don't think so, please note that Real Steel is the number 1 movie in America right now. Let that sink in. Real Steel with Hugh Jackman in a movie about boxing robots is the #1 movie in America. I find this more alarming than global warming or unemployment, because it speaks to a collective stupidity in our country. If we can't realize that Real Steel is a movie to be avoided, and we are willing to spend $11.50 to see it, how can we hope to fix anything ever? Real Steel being #1 is a sign to start stocking up on canned goods now.

It's on everyone's bucket list to see
Private Benjamin again.
Did you know that there are currently about 30 Hollywood remakes in the works? In addition to this week's somewhat unfathomable release of another "Footloose," we can also look forward to new renditions of "Ghostbusters," "Poltergeist", "Beverly Hills Cop", "Red Dawn", and "Private Benjamin." Because, if there is one thing we need, it's an update of Private freaking Benjamin. What is that quirky, plucky little blonde soldier up to now? Will she be able to make it through boot camp? What if her eye liner runs? What if she goes to Iraq? Or Somalia? Such possibilities for hilarity!

Let's take a look at how the latest remake got remade, and again, these are actual transcripts, and don't ask me how I have them:

Ren was from the wrong side of
the tracks...the dancin' side 
Screenwriter: So those are all my ideas, do you like any of them?
Producer 1: Hmm...they are all interesting, you have anything with dancing? Like where people are told dancing is forbidden, but goddammit, they gotta dance.
Producer 2: Yeah, dancing is hot right now! (gets up out of seat and does a Michael Jackson leg shimmy and kick) Oww!
Producer 3: I like it when there's a bad boy that just can't be tamed and he silently dances off his anger. (gets up out of chair, mimes punching someone, then does a somersault on conference table). 
Producer 1: And we gotta have a domineering figure that no likey the dancing, like a priest...or better yet, a preacher!
Producer 2: (taking notes) Sir, is it okay if I tell you that you are being brilliant right now?
Screenwriter: Guys, I think what you are describing almost scene for scene is "Footloose". It was on TBS last night. And TNT the night before that, it's on literally all the time.
Producer 2: Never heard of it.
Producer 1: I vaguely remember had that guy from Six Degrees of Separation, the emaciated yet sorta hot girl that might be dead now, and that horsey faced girl next door...
Lori Singer: no longer famous.
Screenwriter: Sarah Jessica Parker. And  I think Lori Singer is still alive. And, Wil Smith wasn't it.
Producer 3: No I don't think so...pretty sure he was, because that town was racist. And it was Joan Cusack, Sarah Jessica is too young to have been in that...
Screenwriter: Okay, regardless, I can work with this. There are ways we can modernize it and change it.
Producer 1: No! Scene for scene, change nothing! This is an homage...and we'll pay you double to just change 1 word per scene from the original script, plus we'll hire the original screenwriter to help out, and boom, we are there.
Screenwriter: Is that allowed?
Producers 1, 2 and 3: (hysterical laughter, followed by awkward group high-five)

There's also another way Hollywood cleverly (read as: underhandedly) remakes movies without technically remaking them, but the plot is exactly the same - take a look:

Is this guy really worth revisiting?
Producer 1: I'd love to do something sci-fi like John Carpenter's "The Thing", but not necessarily "The Thing" since that's been done. And we've done 10 remakes in a row... let's get original fellas!
Producer 2: (thinking hard) what if we base the movie on the origins of The Thing?
Producer 1: (texting someone) oh baby, prequel time, that's totally rockin', I like it...keep going
Producer 3: Yeah, let's focus on what happened at the Norwegian base right before the Americans arrived...
Producer 1: He just said that, you don't talk anymore. Plus, they all died, didn't they? I think that was pretty clearly established.
Producer 2: Did they though? Think about it...
Producer 1: Hmm....yeah did they? I mean I saw dead bodies...but that's not evidence is it?
Producer 2: Hell no. And the beauty of this is, the star of the movie is The Thing, so ...  
Producer 1: We can hire no name actors and save money! God, I'm brilliant, let's call it a day.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Week 5 NFL Picks! Now with extra vitriol...

Rumor has it Magnum bet the
Tigers to win with his bookie, Icepick.
Before we get to the games, a big congrats to the Detroit Tigers for saving America from two more weeks of Yankee games. It almost makes me want to buy a Ford again someday, but not quite.

The dreaded bye weeks begin this week, as six teams are off. We can all agree bye weeks are a terrible idea. It's only week 5, do we really need a break already, guys? What is this, Spain? Are you all going to drink some Malbec, then take siesta on the veranda? I hate bye weeks. Anyway, we learned a lot last week in the NFL. Here are the most important lessons gleaned:

Sanchez and Flacco followed
this advice admirably on Sunday night.
1) Most importantly, we learned that the NY Jets love embarrassing their fan-base during national telecasts. If only there was a way to un-see that putrid display of blocking and quarterbacking by the Jets. I actually wouldn't call it blocking. It was an invitation to injure teammates. And I wouldn't call it quarterbacking, either. Mark Sanchez and Joe Flacco were making a social commentary about the complete and utter potential for failure that exists within us all, if we would only let it. It was performance art. A bold choice, we should thank them.

2) The feel-good Bills are maybe not so good after all, as they went into Cincy and had a letdown, which was predictable, though not by me.

3) Seattle can cover any spread at home, it just doesn't matter. That stadium is ridiculously loud, and should win the national acoustics design awards every year if such awards exist.

Beware of Evil Tony.
4) Tony Romo is possibly bi-polar or has an evil twin that occasionally subs for him in the 4th quarter. I would like the twin to have a handle-bar mustache please, so we know when he has entered the game. 

5) The Dolphins, Vikings, Chiefs, Colts, Jags and perhaps even the Rams will all be competing in the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, commonly known as "Suck For Luck". This could make betting their games quite easy. They may not even show up to certain games. But it also means the spreads will go up ridiculously high by the end of the year. And yes, Stanford's Andrew Luck is in fact that awesome that 5 or 6 teams are fine with going 2-14 or 1-15 this year. Unlike that guy in Napoleon Dynamite, he actually can throw a football over a mountain. Chuck Norris wishes he were as kick-ass as Andrew Luck.  

So, let's get to ignoring those lessons learned and get to the week 5 picks:

Kansas City +2 at Indy
A lot of crappy teams are vying for
Luck's services.
Curtis Painter? showed he had a pulse last week, but the Colts still choked a game Tampa was trying to give away. This is an early Luck Sweepstake showdown. Expect each team to sabotage themselves repeatedly in a game of "no, seriously, please score on us, we will not even try to touch you." It will be like that NBA all-star game where Magic Johnson came out of retirement and shot uncontested layups for 48 minutes. The Chiefs got their one win last week, and that will surely sustain them for a long time. They are like a football camel, they can go months without a win now. Indy can afford to win 1 game here. Indy 24 - Chiefs 20 (lock of the week)

Arizona +2.5 at Minnesota 
Arizona could be players in the Suck for Luck bonanza, but they stupidly signed Kevin Kolb for 20 years at $50 mil per year (estimate). It's unfortunate because Kevin Kolb sucks. It's a dry suck, but he still sucks. Minnesota 27 Arizona 23

"I now regret the decision to wear
this helmet."
Philly -3 at Buffalo 
Vegas isn't giving up on the Eagles, they really shouldn't be favored here. But, this is a do or die game for Eagles, because 1-4 teams almost never make the playoffs, and Fox needs them to be good for a compelling storyline. I'll go along with that theory. Annoying city of Philly 34 - Friendly Buffalo 27

Oakland + 5.5 at Houston 
This would be a 10 point spread if Andre Johnson were healthy, but the evil turf that once injured Wes Welker has claimed another victim. The Houston turf is a serious menace and I hope the Pats play there again this year. Oak town covers with a garbage time TD. Houston 28 - Oakland 24

Cincy +1.5 at Jacksonville 
This game annoys me just thinking about it, and the Red Zone channel better not cover 1 minute of it. You hear me, Siciliano?! Of course you do, what a silly question. Jaguars 14 Bengals 13  

You know this guy loves iCal.
Seattle +10 at New York
This should be the blow-out of the week (sorry Seattle readers). Random pet peeve tangent: people at work who insist on making i-Calendar entries for every little meeting or event when there's only like 6 people in the damn office. Who are you trying to impress? This was not Steve Jobs' vision for this application. Look across the office and say "hey, let's meet in 10!" Not hard. Don't make it into an hour-long project, and send an email that no one will open, you pretentious doofus. Giants 31 - Hawks 10.

Tennessee +3 at Pittsburgh
The Titans are the bane of my existence right now, as they refuse to obey my preconceived notion of them as a terrible team. It's really just rude at this point. Matty Hasselcakes (as I call him) is like Favre 2.0, a gun-slinger for higher, but with a conscience, and no embarrassing texts. And he's bald! It's refreshing. Still, Pitt will find a way this week even if they have to play dirty and pull hair and do some groin stuff. Lock of the week: Steelers 24 Titans 16. (that's right a 2nd lock of the week!)

So good, they should be illegal.
New Orleans -6.5 at Carolina 
The good Cam Newton returned last week, putting up huge numbers in a defeat, delighting his fantasy owners everywhere. Look for more of the same this week, as New Orleans continues to roll through the red velvet cupcake portion of its schedule. Mmmmm, red velvet cupcake..aaahhh.... New Orleans 30 - Carolina 21

Denver + 4 vs. San Diego 
My bold prediction of the week, which is sponsored by no one (yet!) is this: Tim Tebow will start the 2nd half of this game after San Diego is up 21-3. He will receive a standing ovation. And then he will play terribly, throw 2 interceptions and then Bronco fans will remember, "oh that's right, he's awful, whoops, our bad." Chargers 38 - Denver 13 

Green Bay -6 at Atlanta 
Ain't no party like a
weirdly-painted car party.
Everyone wants to write the Falcons off, but this line is a tad high. Green Bay isn't going 16-0, they are going to lose sometime, why not this week in the dome? Upset alert: Falcons 34 - Packers 28 

Tampa +3 at San Francisco
Tampa is in need of some serious comeuppance. Indy outplayed them last week, but they snuck it out. Meanwhile the 49ers are looking like they could easily go 7-9, which will win the Western division by a lot. In this game, look for Candlestick Park to appear ugly and uninviting. It's not a good place. Niners 23 - Bucs 14

Chicago +5.5 at Detroit 
Jay Cutler is going to get absolutely pulverized in this one. I wish I could somehow invest in his future medical bills. That should be allowed by the SEC or FCC or one of those corrupt organizations. It probably is already, what a country! Detroit 27 Chicago 24 

Jets +9 at Cheat-riots 
I can't be rational when we play the hated team that shall not be named. Accomplished goat-molester Tom Brady loves running it up on the Jets almost as much as he loves his furry friends. And, there is some payback involved here, as the Jets ended the Pats season last year. Let's fondly remember it now in a montage. Enjoy the 3:29 mark by the way.

Oh, good times, indeed. Still, just can't get over how bad Sanchito looked last week. He was worse than an episode of "Whitney" or even "Broke Girls". That's bad, people. Pats 35 Jets 21 

Enjoy the games!

Last week: 9-7 
Season record: 19-13
Lock of the week: 1-1

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Inside the Hollywood Screening Room

In a new exclusive series, Dave's Deep Dish will take you behind the scenes to Hollywood's inner sanctum. Like a fly on the wall, we will hear the actual conversations between directors and the movie producers after first screening a movie. Ever wonder what the studio thought after first seeing Casablanca? Or Star Wars? Or Ishtar? Me too! And now we can learn together.

How did I get these transcripts and recordings? That's not important, and I'll thank you to stay out of my affairs.

For our first installment, here's a look at the initial meeting at Universal Studios, following the first screening of the historic 1995 flop "Waterworld":

Kevin Costner: So...what did you guys think, pretty awesome, right?
Costner reacts after hearing how far over budget Waterworld was.
Producer 1: Well um...there's really a lot of water in this thing. Can we get a few land scenes?
Producer 2: What the hell was that??
Producer 3: Oh my god, we're ruined. 
Kevin Costner: So, you didn't like it? Really? What about those jet skis? And my webbed feet? And me drinking my own urine? Classic, right?
Producer 1: We're not saying we didn't like it, it was just... a lot of water. How much did we pay for this again?
Kevin Costner: Only 90 trillion, and I saved some money on that one scene by actually drinking my own urine.
Producer 2: I'm saying I didn't like it.
Producer 3: (unintelligible weeping sounds)

I don't know about you, but I feel wiser after reading that. Next up, we take you back to 1997 following the initial screening of "Titanic":

Producer 1: The iceberg was a little predictable wasn't it, James? Won't everyone see that coming?
James Cameron: I guess, but I was trying to be historically accurate.
Producer 2: Also, the lookout doesn't see the iceberg because he's watching Leo and Kate kiss on the deck. It seems like their love caused the ship to crash and kill thousands of people.
James Cameron: No one will notice that, trust me.
Leo's heart won't go on after Kate selfishly lets him drown.
Producer 1: What if instead we have the ship hit by a meteor? Meteors are very in right now. Look at Deep Impact and Armegeddon. They've got a great buzz around them, and they're not even out yet. Or, what about a scene where they re-arrange the deck chairs? I've always heard they re-arranged the deck chairs while it was sinking...
James Cameron: I think that's a figure of speech, but that's an interesting take ...
Producer 2: What about that last scene, there sure appeared to be plenty of room on that armoire door for Leo.
James Cameron: Really?
Producer 2: It looked like she was on her own raft...that could have fit about 5 people on it. 
Producer 3: It almost seemed like she was drowning him intentionally...what a selfish bitch. 
James Cameron: We could re-shoot that scene.
Producer 1: You know what? Don't worry about it, him freezing leaves it open for a potential sequel... because, maybe's he's not dead, you know? And he comes back and avenges his murder? Like an "I Know What You Did Last Summer" meets "Dead Calm"
Producer 2: I love it!
Producer 3: And we can get Billy Zane!
James Cameron: Okay, meeting over, you asshats.

That is some chilling dialogue right there. Our last entry of the day brings us back to the first screening of "No Country for Old Men," and you'll be surprised what you read.

This is a country for
unsatisfying endings.
Producer 1: That was great! Can't wait to the see the ending. When will it be finished?
Joel Coen: That is the ending.
Producer 1: Hmm..., well you are the Coen Bros., maybe no one will care.
Ethan Coen: We wanted to leave it open to the audience. Also, we didn't really know what to do.
Producer 2: As I was watching, I kept waiting for a scene where a wise old little Mexican man would say, "Dis is no country for old men" and then he'd shake his head sadly.  I love it when we sneak in the title of a movie into the dialogue. Can we put a scene like that in there?
Coen Bros: (stare blankly)
Producer 3: I noticed that we don't see the lead character actually get killed. Is that scene still being shot?
Joel Coen:You know who we are, right?
Producer 3: Yes...sorry, I'm gonna leave now.