And then there were four. What a year it's been. So many memories. Most of mine revolve around Mark Sanchez throwing interceptions and fumbling, but some other stuff happened, I'm pretty sure of it. On to the picks:
Baltimore Ravens + 7.5 at New England
The Pats had the perfect matchup last week vs. the Broncos. They can't defend the pass, but passing wasn't exactly a strength for St. Timmy, and the result was an annihilation the likes of which not seen since the first Crusades (when the Turks were totally outmanned, outcoached and outplayed by the Christians). It will be tougher this week, as the Ravens can slow down the Pats a little bit, and Ray Rice is about 40 times better than Willis McGehee.
Just a few years ago the Ravens went into New England and trounced them in the playoffs. But that was B.G., Before Gronkowski. I don't want to say Gronkowski is on steroids, so I'll just think it and you can read my thoughts. The guy is a beast, but it's also amazing he's consistently wide open. Safeties actually seem afraid to to try and nail him over the middle. You can't really blame them, he's about 8 feet tall and runs like a locomotive.
Rumors of Gronkowski's steroid use first began when
I typed this caption. How did he not break his neck here?
Because of steroids, duh.
The key for the Ravens is Flacco. He can't be merely mediocre like usual, he has to be great. In that playoff game in '09, Flacco threw for all of 34 yards. That's not a misprint. Even Tebow laughs at that yardage total. If he throws for 34 yards on Sunday they'll lose by 40.
The Patriots just have too many weapons right now to be stopped on their home turf, and that really angers me to admit it. The effing Patriots are going to the effing Super Bowl again and every Jet fan in the world just wants to cry. Get ready to see that blockhead Teddy Bruschi extolling them on ESPN for the next 2 weeks. But, I do think the Ravens manage to cover, and that's all that matters to us gamblers. Right? Patriots 33 Baltimore 27
Giants +2 at San Francisco
Words with Friends claimed
another victim: The Saints D.
Well, my "lock of the year" pick went slightly awry as those pesky Niners outlasted the Saints in a game for the ages. My bad. But, it took five turnovers for them to barely eek out the win, plus two kick return fumbles, which are like double turnovers. A really good team wins that game by 21 points. They would have been the first team in history to lose a playoff game after causing 5 turnovers. Alex Smith did step up big. I still don't know how no Saint could tackle him on his improbable bootleg TD run from about 30 yards out. My theory: they were all caught playing Word with Friends on their iPhones. It happens, and I hear it's really addicting.
One might think that maybe the 49ers won me over with that gritty win last week for several reasons: Justin Smith is an absolute Manimal. I think he was in a nightmare I had recently. Donte Whitner hits like a young David Fulcher. Vernon Davis is emerging, and leads all tight ends in tear shedding. Well, one would be wrong. If the Giant defensive line could get to Rodgers, they will get to Smith, and possibly make him wet himself. Yes, the 49ers did beat the Giants in the regular season, but that was a long time ago. Plus, the Giants were driving for the win that game, when a few ridiculous play calls cost them the game.
Jacobs again celebrates a miraculous
1 yard gain on 3rd and 2.
The Giants won't be able to run the ball in this one. And by the way, memo to Brandon Jacobs: a 2 yard gain is not reason to celebrate like you just split the atom. Stop screaming and stop acting like a jack-ass. Everyone but you knows you are washed up. The Giants would be wise to give everyone of your carries to Ahmad Bradshaw...or to if they just spiked the ball they'd probably fair better.
I can't really recall a better receiving tandem in recent memory than Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz. There was Duper and Clayton, Rice and Taylor, Harrison and Wayne, Holt and Bruce, and of course, Toon and Walker (okay, a bit of a reach there). Nicks and Cruz are still young and could surpass all of them by the time they are done.
I've not been a believer in the San Francisco 49ers all year. They've proved me wrong several times. Still, I'm not changing now. Unlike Capt. Francesco Schettino, I'm going down with this ship: Giants 27 San Fran 24
Enjoy the games!
Last week's record: 3-1
Overall record: 110-79-9
In celebration of Van Halen's improbable forthcoming reunion album and their well-received recent concert, he's some vintage VH, and one of Ed's best solos:
Philip Rivers blames the sun for his poor performance.
It's Week 10, which means Thursday Night football is back! It's better than Monday Night football, because it's closer to the weekend (it's okay to drink!), and doesn't include Ron Jaworski and John Gruden shouting at you. Sadly, I was a little late on that, so I didn't get my pick in on last night's game. Let's assume I was going to pick the Raiders. Philip Rivers continues to disappoint, and Norv Turner's play-calling continues to have less backbone than a bowl of jello. Rivers is easily the biggest whiner in sports since Danny Ainge. He's the only QB I've ever seen that will still cry and moan even after throwing a TD. I bet he sends his meals back at restaurants constantly for being over- or undercooked. He's the NFL's Goldilocks, what a pleasure he must have been to raise.
Cleveland -3 vs. St. Louis
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, no, don't let these two "football teams" meet. This week has been tough enough. No need to analyze this one, so let's move on to other items. Whatever happened to the uncatchable call on pass interference penalties? It's never called anymore, and it used to be with some frequency. Remember how you'd be really angry when your team would be flagged for a PI, but then out of nowhere the ref would do that signal of waving his arm over his head, which looked like he was telling you how tall he wanted to be? The ruling signified the pass couldn't be caught by any human being alive, so there was no flag on the play. And you'd thank your lucky stars your QB had an arm like Olive Oil (looking at you, Chad Pennington). It was a glorious call, like being pardoned by the Governor. I miss that call. Are we now supposed to believe that a receiver can leap 8 stories high, and bend backwards on a dime like a cross between Spiderman and Neo from the Matrix ? Sorry, no one in the known Universe is catching some of these passes from Colt McCoy. I DON'T BUY THAT NFL, AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE SELLING IT! St. Louis 17 Cleveland 14
Giants +3.5 at 49ers
Coughlin surprisingly shanked Belichick in the gut during this post-game greeting.
The Giants just made Tom Brady wish he had retired to his baby goat farm permanently, you think Alex Smith will fare better? Also, Tom Coughlin has a got a little surprise for Jim Harbaugh for the post-game coaches "hand shake". He's planning a post-game drop kick, followed by nunchucks to the groin and a trident through the heart. He's taking it up a notch. Lock of the Week: Giants 24 49ers 17
Carolina -3.5 vs. Tennessee
Hoooo doggie, when these bitter Southern rivals meet, you best throw out the records, and put the grits on the grill, Daddy-o! Or, you can keep the records and decide Tennessee looks done. Let's do that. But, it's fun talking like a Southerner every now and again, I reckon. Carolina 34 Tennessee 14.
Washington +4 at Miami
Miami finally got on the board with a W last week, and Vegas has overreacted about as badly as that Double Rainbow guy. Yes, Washington is terrible, but a 1-win team should not be a 4-point favorite in November. Miami 21 Skins 20
Minnesota +13.5 at Green Bay
These numbers for Rogers should all read "infinity".
Running out of words to describe Aaron Rodgers. I already said he went from ludicrous to plaid a couple weeks ago. When a player in a video game was unstoppable (like Bo Jackson or Lawrence Taylor in Super Tecmo Bowl) we used to call them "ridiculi," because they were beyond ridiculous and unfairly good. That's what Rodgers is right now, ridiculi and also in "Excellent" condition. A deadly combination. Green Bay 38 Minny 21
Let's hope Cutler's head stops growing.
Chicago +3 vs. Detroit
Jay Cutler's head is getting really fat, and no one wants to discuss it. The rest of his body seems okay, but his head seems to be expanding, and it's a bit alarming. Maybe he's storing acorns in those chubby cheeks for the winter, who knows? Detroit 28 Chicago 27
Pittsburgh -3 at Cincy
The Bengals have had some fun this year with their easy schedule, but the bill comes due this week as big bad Pitt comes to town. There's been some rumors that ginger-haired Andy Dalton may put black streaks into his hair, so that his head would resemble the actual Bengal helmet. I speak for everyone when I say, AWESOME, LET THY WILL BE DONE, ANDY. Steelers 27 Cincy 17
Jets -1.5 vs. Pats
Dare I say the game of the week, or perhaps game of the Millennium? I'm so fired up for this one I just tackled a stranger on the sidewalk. Sorry little old lady, but not in my house, you gotta bring it stronger than that on 4th and 1! And, here's your walker back, my bad. Complete homer pick: Jets 30 Pats 27
Jacksonville -3 at Indy
The Colts new defensive strategy on display.
This may be the last chance for Indy to get a win this year. The Colts should redesign their helmet to incorporate a raised white flag. Jacksonville 24 Indy 20
New Orleans -1 at Atlanta
I think the Saints will pull this out, but it won't be easy. It'll have to get done Cajun style. New Orleans 33 - Atlanta 31
Bonus College Pick! Oregon +3.5 at Stanford
I nailed last week's college pick, so let's let it ride on this great matchup between top 10 teams. Speaking of college, Penn State's rioting students reminded everyone this week that college students are idiots and will literally take to the streets for anything, no matter how ill-advised. I don't even believe they were all protesting for Paterno. Most were just procrastinating from their papers, looking for free beer, and hoping for a passionate, riot-inspired hook-up. "It's us against the world, baby, but we've got tonight." It's a classic college move. Stanford 45 Oregon 38.
Baltimore -7 at Seattle
Ray Lewis shows off his bug-stomping technique.
Can any road team cover the spread in Seattle this year?Will Ray Lewis ever not celebrate every single play he makes or doesn't make? Which Marshawn Lynch will show up? The guy who runs over 8 players for 150 yards, or the Lynch we all know that runs like he's carrying his 10 kids on his back? Are these questions all rhetorical? Perhaps? Baltimore 20 Seattle 6
Arizona vs. Philly (off the board)
I'm not sure exactly why this off the board, but my sources tell me it's because Andy Reid ate the spread.
Houston -3 at Tampa
The winner of this can claim Gulf Coast Supremacy, which really means everything to two teams that never win anything. Houston 27 Tampa 20.
Enjoy the games!
Last Week: 11-3
Overall Record: 56-30-4 (it's a gift)
Locks of the week: 6-2
Rumor has it Magnum bet the
Tigers to win with his bookie, Icepick.
Before we get to the games, a big congrats to the Detroit Tigers for saving America from two more weeks of Yankee games. It almost makes me want to buy a Ford again someday, but not quite.
The dreaded bye weeks begin this week, as six teams are off. We can all agree bye weeks are a terrible idea. It's only week 5, do we really need a break already, guys? What is this, Spain? Are you all going to drink some Malbec, then take siesta on the veranda? I hate bye weeks. Anyway, we learned a lot last week in the NFL. Here are the most important lessons gleaned:
Sanchez and Flacco followed
this advice admirably on Sunday night.
1) Most importantly, we learned that the NY Jets love embarrassing their fan-base during national telecasts. If only there was a way to un-see that putrid display of blocking and quarterbacking by the Jets. I actually wouldn't call it blocking. It was an invitation to injure teammates. And I wouldn't call it quarterbacking, either. Mark Sanchez and Joe Flacco were making a social commentary about the complete and utter potential for failure that exists within us all, if we would only let it. It was performance art. A bold choice, we should thank them.
2) The feel-good Bills are maybe not so good after all, as they went into Cincy and had a letdown, which was predictable, though not by me.
3) Seattle can cover any spread at home, it just doesn't matter. That stadium is ridiculously loud, and should win the national acoustics design awards every year if such awards exist.
Beware of Evil Tony.
4) Tony Romo is possibly bi-polar or has an evil twin that occasionally subs for him in the 4th quarter. I would like the twin to have a handle-bar mustache please, so we know when he has entered the game.
5) The Dolphins, Vikings, Chiefs, Colts, Jags and perhaps even the Rams will all be competing in the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, commonly known as "Suck For Luck". This could make betting their games quite easy. They may not even show up to certain games. But it also means the spreads will go up ridiculously high by the end of the year. And yes, Stanford's Andrew Luck is in fact that awesome that 5 or 6 teams are fine with going 2-14 or 1-15 this year. Unlike that guy in Napoleon Dynamite, he actually can throw a football over a mountain. Chuck Norris wishes he were as kick-ass as Andrew Luck.
So, let's get to ignoring those lessons learned and get to the week 5 picks:
Kansas City +2 at Indy
A lot of crappy teams are vying for
Luck's services.
Curtis Painter? showed he had a pulse last week, but the Colts still choked a game Tampa was trying to give away. This is an early Luck Sweepstake showdown. Expect each team to sabotage themselves repeatedly in a game of "no, seriously, please score on us, we will not even try to touch you." It will be like that NBA all-star game where Magic Johnson came out of retirement and shot uncontested layups for 48 minutes. The Chiefs got their one win last week, and that will surely sustain them for a long time. They are like a football camel, they can go months without a win now. Indy can afford to win 1 game here. Indy 24 - Chiefs 20 (lock of the week)
Arizona +2.5 at Minnesota
Arizona could be players in the Suck for Luck bonanza, but they stupidly signed Kevin Kolb for 20 years at $50 mil per year (estimate). It's unfortunate because Kevin Kolb sucks. It's a dry suck, but he still sucks. Minnesota 27 Arizona 23
"I now regret the decision to wear
this helmet."
Philly -3 at Buffalo
Vegas isn't giving up on the Eagles, they really shouldn't be favored here. But, this is a do or die game for Eagles, because 1-4 teams almost never make the playoffs, and Fox needs them to be good for a compelling storyline. I'll go along with that theory. Annoying city of Philly 34 - Friendly Buffalo 27
Oakland + 5.5 at Houston
This would be a 10 point spread if Andre Johnson were healthy, but the evil turf that once injured Wes Welker has claimed another victim. The Houston turf is a serious menace and I hope the Pats play there again this year. Oak town covers with a garbage time TD. Houston 28 - Oakland 24
Cincy +1.5 at Jacksonville
This game annoys me just thinking about it, and the Red Zone channel better not cover 1 minute of it. You hear me, Siciliano?! Of course you do, what a silly question. Jaguars 14 Bengals 13
You know this guy loves iCal.
Seattle +10 at New York
This should be the blow-out of the week (sorry Seattle readers). Random pet peeve tangent: people at work who insist on making i-Calendar entries for every little meeting or event when there's only like 6 people in the damn office. Who are you trying to impress? This was not Steve Jobs' vision for this application. Look across the office and say "hey, let's meet in 10!" Not hard. Don't make it into an hour-long project, and send an email that no one will open, you pretentious doofus. Giants 31 - Hawks 10.
Tennessee +3 at Pittsburgh
The Titans are the bane of my existence right now, as they refuse to obey my preconceived notion of them as a terrible team. It's really just rude at this point. Matty Hasselcakes (as I call him) is like Favre 2.0, a gun-slinger for higher, but with a conscience, and no embarrassing texts. And he's bald! It's refreshing. Still, Pitt will find a way this week even if they have to play dirty and pull hair and do some groin stuff. Lock of the week: Steelers 24 Titans 16. (that's right a 2nd lock of the week!)
So good, they should be illegal.
New Orleans -6.5 at Carolina
The good Cam Newton returned last week, putting up huge numbers in a defeat, delighting his fantasy owners everywhere. Look for more of the same this week, as New Orleans continues to roll through the red velvet cupcake portion of its schedule. Mmmmm, red velvet cupcake..aaahhh.... New Orleans 30 - Carolina 21
Denver + 4 vs. San Diego
My bold prediction of the week, which is sponsored by no one (yet!) is this: Tim Tebow will start the 2nd half of this game after San Diego is up 21-3. He will receive a standing ovation. And then he will play terribly, throw 2 interceptions and then Bronco fans will remember, "oh that's right, he's awful, whoops, our bad." Chargers 38 - Denver 13
Green Bay -6 at Atlanta
Ain't no party like a
weirdly-painted car party.
Everyone wants to write the Falcons off, but this line is a tad high. Green Bay isn't going 16-0, they are going to lose sometime, why not this week in the dome? Upset alert: Falcons 34 - Packers 28
Tampa +3 at San Francisco
Tampa is in need of some serious comeuppance. Indy outplayed them last week, but they snuck it out. Meanwhile the 49ers are looking like they could easily go 7-9, which will win the Western division by a lot. In this game, look for Candlestick Park to appear ugly and uninviting. It's not a good place. Niners 23 - Bucs 14
Chicago +5.5 at Detroit
Jay Cutler is going to get absolutely pulverized in this one. I wish I could somehow invest in his future medical bills. That should be allowed by the SEC or FCC or one of those corrupt organizations. It probably is already, what a country! Detroit 27 Chicago 24
Jets +9 at Cheat-riots
I can't be rational when we play the hated team that shall not be named. Accomplished goat-molester Tom Brady loves running it up on the Jets almost as much as he loves his furry friends. And, there is some payback involved here, as the Jets ended the Pats season last year. Let's fondly remember it now in a montage. Enjoy the 3:29 mark by the way.
Oh, good times, indeed. Still, just can't get over how bad Sanchito looked last week. He was worse than an episode of "Whitney" or even "Broke Girls". That's bad, people. Pats 35 Jets 21
Enjoy the games!
Last week: 9-7
Season record: 19-13
Lock of the week: 1-1
