Thursday, November 7, 2013

NFL Week 10 Picks...With Horatio Caine

This week we are fortunate to have fictional character Horatio Caine from CSI Miami fame with us. Cain does two things well, solve crime and pick games. And he's all out of crimes. It'll be short and to the point and it is important to imagine him looking off into the distance and then putting his sunglasses on at the end of each pick. Take it away, Horatio...

Eagles +1 at Green Bay
"As I look at this game I see one big problem. Green Bayyyyyy....doesn't have their quarterback. And they're gonna need one." YEAHHHH   Eagles 27 Packers 23

Bills +3 at Steelers
"The Steelers were smoked by New England last week...and where there's smoke...there's fire." YEAHHH
Bills 26 Steelers 24

Raiders +7.5 at Giants
"The verdict may be in on these teams. But the out." YEAHHH
Giants 30 Raiders 20

Jaguars +12 at Tennessee 
Horatio: "How many players are on the Jaguars, Frank?
Detective Frank: "45. Why?"
Horatio: "Because.... that's exactly how many body bags we're going to need here." YEAHHH
Titans 23 Jags 16

Rams +9.5 at the Colts 
If you can't pass the ball in the National Football're as good as dead. And these Rams...are 6 feet under." YEAHHH
Colts 31 Rams 17

Houston +2.5 at Arizona
This match-up may look like a train wreck on paper...but this was no accident. The NFL schedule makers... have struck again." YEAHHH
Cards 17 Texans 14

Redskins -2.5 at Minnesota
"Both teams want to win what we have established motive." YEAHHH
Skins 28 Vikings 27

Bengals -1.5 at Ravens 
"It looks like the Ravens have been left for dead...or maybe...they are just really, really tired." YEAHHH
Bengals 20 Ravens 10

Broncos -7 at San Diego
"If throwing touchdowns is a crime, and I'm pretty sure it is, Peyton Manning just became public enemy #1." YEAHHH
Broncos 34 Chargers 31

Cowboys +7 at New Orleans
"Well, well, what do we have here? It's time for some interrogations, because these Saints...are no choir boys." YEAHHH
Saints 38 Cowboys 35

Seahawks -6 at Atlanta 
"Seattle may be the suicide capital of the country...but this will be a case of the first degree. No wait...second degree." YEAHHH
Seahawks 24 Falcons 20

Dolphins -3 at Tampa Bay
"There's only one city in Florida that matters...and it doesn't rhyme with Bampa Tay." YEAHHH
Dolphins 16 Tampa 9

Lions pick'em at Bears
"Jay Cutler has gone all stabby stab stab on the Bears' dreams  for years...and it ends now." YEAHHH
Lions 34 Bears 28

Panthers +6.5 at San Fran 
"Carolina is the hottest team in the league and will give the Niners all they can handle...What? I can do real analysis, too. When San Fran goes read option, Carolina will respond by blitzing the A and B gaps..." YEAHHH
49ers 27 Panthers 24

Friday, November 1, 2013

Week 9 NFL Picks & Jets' Mid-Season Award Winners

Before the NFL picks, let's hand out some awards for the Jets' best and worst performances over the first half of the season. Not surprisingly for a 4-4 team, there are an equal number of each. Drum roll please... 
"Ouch! My shoulder is now
The Joe Willy Namath Award for Most Valuable Player: Muhammad Wilkerson
The 3rd year lineman has been phenomenal and leads the defense with 7 sacks. Attempting to block him one-on-one is virtually impossible. He treats offensive linemen as if they are swinging doors. When the season is over, he'll be on his way to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl. Honorable mention: Nick Folk

The Bubby Brister Award for Least Valuable Player: Santonio Holmes 
Holmes' actual mailing address is Jets' Disabled List. After all, it's where he lives. The Jets were counting on him to finally live up to his big contract, but the mercurial wideout apparently heals slower than an octogenerian with osteoporosis. Take your time Santonio, don't push it.  Put your feet up and rest awhile and let the checks roll in. That's sound advice from Holmes' agent. Honorable mention: Entire offensive line. 
The Freeman McNeil Award for Most Underrated Perfomance: Antonio Allen
For a safety that barely won the job out of the preseason, Allen has been a welcome addition to the secondary. He's made plays to stop the run at the line of scrimmage and has been asked to cover tough tight ends like Rob Gronkowski one-on-one and held his own. And, for the record, people do really forget how good and how consistent Freeman McNeil was. Look at these numbers. 
The Antonio Cromartie Award for Most Overrated Performance: Antonio Cromartie 
What a shocker. Every year, Cromartie receives lots of credit for being an elite cover corner from NFL experts, announcers and coaches. But, is it really deserved? He flirts with a pass interference call every time the ball is thrown his way. Last week in Cincinnati he was burned repeatedly and not for the first time. When he trails a receiver by several steps and a quarterback luckily overthrows that receiver (looking at you, Tom Brady), he acts like he did something special. He also has zero interceptions on the year. In other words, it's been a vintage Cromartie season.

The Vidal Sassoon Award for Best Hair on the Sideline: Mark Sanchez 
"They can take my job, but
the'll never take this hair." 
This one is self-explanatory. That hair could start a war one day. Or end one.  
The Mark Gastineau Award for Player Most Likely to Receive a Horrible, Ill-timed Penalty: Willie Colon 
Colon has received seven penalties in only eight games, which places him 4th overall in the NFL. If Colon continues to get playing time, it's a good bet he'll take the lead very soon. It's good to have goals, though. Honorable mention: Kyle Wilson. 
The Curtis Martin Award for Best Running Back: N/A 
We are still accepting applications for this award. No current Jet running back averages more than 4 yards per carry. 
The Blair Thomas Award for Most Disappointing Running Back: It's a four-way tie right now, let's check back later. 
The James Earl Jones Award for the Guy We All Thought Was Dead But Somehow Isn't: David Harris
I really thought James Earl Jones was dead. Was I the only one? But, there he is in those Sprint commercials. Is it a hologram? If he is alive, good for him. Similarly, after looking like a Walking Dead extra last year, David Harris leads the team in tackles and tackles for loss. It's been a big bounce back year for the 7th year linebacker. 
Roger Vick was a draft steal...
when compared with Vernon Gholston.
The Johnny "Lam" Jones/Roger Vick/Vernon Gholston Award for Biggest Possible Draft Bust: Stephen Hill 
The Jets have had some big time busts, so I couldn't give this category one name. It's year two and the improvement has been minimal from Hill. Here are a few players that were still on the board when the Jets drafted Hill in the second round in 2012: Alshon Jeffery, Lavonte David, Russell Wilson, Rueben Randle, T.Y. Hilton, LaMichael James, Marvin "4 TD" Jones and Andre Ellington. Would the Jets take a straight up trade of any of those players for Hill today? Quicker than you can say "abso-tively." Honorable mention: Dee Milliner. 
The Ray Finkle Award for Most Disturbing Performance: Geno Smith
Just like Finkle was Einhorn and Einhorn was Finkle, Geno Smith is a good quarterback and he is also a terrible quarterback. This is what you get with rookies. Opposing cornerbacks will be sending him some nice gift baskets for all those generous pick-sixes he throws. 
Play like you mean it, but
coach like you're on meth.
The Rich Kotite Award for Making the Most People Say,  "Are You Serious?": Rex Ryan 
Rex Ryan could win this award for using his coach's challenges like he's addicted to the high of using them, or for his poor clock management. But, instead he narrowly beat himself out with his inexplicable decision to kick a field goal in the third quarter while down 35 to 6 to the Bengals last week. That one took the cake. They really needed to cut the deficit to 26 points? Are you serious? Was he trying to cover a 27-point spread that only he knew about? Who else wants to hear his acceptance speech on this one? 
The Pat Leahy Award for Best Kicker: Nick Folk 
Sure, this is a narrow category, but Folk has earned this with a perfect season so far. Three things you can count on in this world are death, taxes and Nick Folk knocking it through the uprights after the Jets have failed to execute in the red zone. 

Week 9 Picks: 
Falcons +8 over Falcons
Cowboys -10.5 over Vikings
Saints -6.5 over Jets
Bills +3.5 over Chiefs
Rams +3 over Titans
Redskins +1,5 over Chargers
Eagles +3 over Raiders
Seahawks -16 over Bucs
Steelers +7 over Patriots
Colts -3 over Texans
Bears +11 over Green Bay
Browns +3 over Ravens

Last week's picks: 7-6