Friday, December 21, 2012

Week 16 NFL Picks! Plus, A Festivus Airing of Grievances

Instead of my usual cogent football analysis, each of this week's picks will be accompanied by a random observation about life (read: grievances). After an extremely sad and depressing past week and a half, I hope they provide some laughter. Feel free to read this with your inner Seinfeld voice, because "what is the deal with that?" Happy Holidays to all.

Green Bay -13 over Tennessee 
Is every band on the radio Mumford and Sons? Look, they're an ok group, but everyone now sounds like them and I'm sick of it. "And IIIIIIIIIIIIII will take my time...and IIIIIIIIII will sing like this and IIIIII will make all my songs sound the same....sound the same."

Oakland +8.5 over Carolina 
No group of people are more deserving of our scorn than snowboarders. They're the worst. They hog up the slopes, laying about like sea lions on a pier and thinking about their next "big air". Plus, they take up all the room on the chairlift line with that annoying gimp-like waddle they do. They should have their own lifts and their own slopes and separate mountains. And don't get me started on their hats. (shakes fist angrily)

Buffalo +4.5 over Miami 
Ever sneeze into your hand and immediately sniff your hand right after? Why is that smell so enchanting and intoxicating? Would I wear a sneeze-scented perfume? Perhaps not, but I'll take a free sample. This is probably just a guy thing.

Cincy +4 over Pitt
I'm tired of the expression "Too many cooks in the kitchen" and would like to officially propose changing said expression to "Too many dicks on the dance floor." You can use this expression in an office environment nicely: "This project would be done Bob, but there's way too many dicks on the dance floor right now." Hat tip to Flight of the Conchords.

New England -14 over Jacksonville
I hate these. Is it upper case or lower case? Gahhh!
I hate when I have to type letters into one of these security codes to get to my email or some other account. They've made these things so illegible that it takes about 3 tries to get through. I've had it. Stop wasting my time with your indecipherable mind games, Internet!

Indy -6.5 over K.C.
Ever get caught singing way too emphatically and playing kick-ass air guitar while stuck in your car at an intersection. Then you have to play it off like you're talking on a blue tooth that isn't there or adjusting your seatbelt? It happens to me on a semi-weekly basis. This is doubly embarrassing when you're singing No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl,"which I have never done. On an unrelated note, "tinted windows" is on my Christmas list.

Dallas -3 over N. Orleans
When people say a certain type of product, program or system is "integrated" and they're not referring to race, what they are really saying is they have no idea what "integrated" means and they hope you don't either.

Tampa -3 over St. Louis 
I was stuck on an overcrowded train in 100 degree heat in Italy this past summer and there was no A/C (yes, just imagine those smells for a second). As I was contemplating how rich I could become by introducing my new sneeze-scented perfume/deodorant to Europe, I noticed a man eating a block of brie. With nothing else, no bread or cracker, just a hunk of brie straight up. THAT'S INSANE. Brie is way, way down on my list of cheeses I could eat a block of. Now that I think about it, the entire list is: mozzarella, parmesan, cheddar, and gouda gets a maybe. I'm not eating a block of anything else.    

This expression sums up the
Lakers season thus far.
Detroit +4 over Atlanta Thursday night football was really terrible this year. Guys limping around, everybody half-assing it, it was like watching a Lakers game (ZING!). But, the only thing more annoying than the terrible games were all the people that complained about it constantly. Move the games one night to Friday. Problem solved, you're welcome.

Giants -2.5 over Baltimore 
Is there a more conflicted feeling than driving through a store parking lot and not finding even one space to park? On one hand you're frustrated, but on the other you're relieved, because it's like, "this task cannot possibly get completed and it's not my fault...I'm not parking down the street like some chump." 

San Fran pick 'em over Seattle 
Have you ever run out of diapers for your baby and wonder what you could use as a makeshift diaper should the emergency strike? "Well, I could fasten a pork pie hat to his booty with a belt-like contraption and he'll just poop into that. Problem solved! Or hey, no one ever uses this crockpot, right? We're not going back to that store with no parking today, not on my watch."

"I didn't think you could top my suckage, but you came close, bro!"
San Diego +1.5 over Jets
Speaking of what to do with poop, let's talk Jets. The Jets media attention is inversely proportional to how good they are as a team. I wish they would just be allowed to suck in anonymity, but they deserve it because they never shut up. Now they're saying they want to trade Sanchez. Unless there's a new rule where you can trade players to the CFL or the Arena League, I don't think this is happening.

Cleveland +13 over Denver 
Warning...more Jets talk. The Monday night crew were so infuriated with the Jets embarrassing excuse of an offense last Monday that they practically called for Sanchez' and Tony Sparano's head on a stake. This isn't really a grievance, I just found it noteworthy. The veins in Jon Gruden's neck were about to burst and Trent Dilfer and Steve Young looked ready to strangle someone. These guys may to need to take it down a notch.

Chicago -5 over Arizona
I never know what to tip the guy who ties the Christmas tree to the top of the car. I'm assuming it's $5-$10, but it could be more. The service he's providing is arguably more valuable to me than the tree itself. It would take me 'til MLK day to get that tree properly tied to the roof, and I'd rather not have a tree at all than try. He's getting a bigger tip from year. If I remember. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Week 14 Picks: 9-7
Overall record: 84-77-3

Thursday, December 6, 2012

NFL Week 14 Picks ...More Hilarious Limericks!

Oh yes, the limericks are back, mainly because I have very few new ideas, so back off, Jack. We are in the home stretch of the season, and most of the playoffs spots are pretty much decided, but so many questions remain...will Matty Ice finally win a playoff game? Will Big Ben ever return? Will the Cowboys fulfill their annual destiny of collapsing in hilarious fashion? Will the Gronk get back to his old bro' self? What year will Greg McElroy be inducted into the Hall of Fame? And, most importantly, how are those awful shows "Whitney" and "Two Broke Girls" both still on the air? I mean, come on!

The Rams are in a pit of despair.
Buffalo -3 over St. Louis
The Rams are stuck in slow motion
All their fans are losing devotion
They need a quick fix
To get back in the mix
Or else Buffalo Bills will apply the lotion

Jets -2.5 over Jacksonville
Sanchez will return once again to start
But he's at his best when holding a chart
Whatever can we do?
Watch more butts run into? 
Must he linger 'round like a bad fart?

San Diego over Pittsburgh
There once was a "qb" named Batch
Who's passes no one could ever catch
He played for many years
And heard nothing but jeers
It's ineptness Phil Rivers can match.
This is why you don't do Jaeger shots
on the sidelines.

Denver -10 over Oakland
The Raiders continue to disgrace
the game of football at a rapid pace
Carson Palmer has stunk
Janikowski's always drunk
But at least they have a classy fanbase.

Carolina +3.5 over Atlanta
Every week the Falcons squeak by
Their great fortune, no one can deny
But that Michael Turner
Is no longer a burner
I've seen glaciers that were more spry

Detroit +6.5 over Green Bay
This guy Suh likes to make QBs hurt
So Rodgers had better be alert
Protect those jewels
From this cheapshotting tool
Crotch injuries are wise to avert

"I would have given you three
houses at USC."
Seattle -10.5 over Arizona
The Cardinals are under duress
As for talent, they couldn't have less
The Seahawks will destroy
Carroll will jump for joy
And forget he left SC a hot mess

New Orleans +5 over Giants
Why does Coughlin's face get so red?
Is it 'cause all the blood's in his head?
He needs to relax
Or wear looser slacks
Just watching him fills me with dread

Miami +10 over San Fran
To the bench the Niners sent Smith
Who's talent was just a big myth
He just couldn't throw
He will have to go
Hey, Sanchez needs someone to golf with.

So much wrong here.
Houston +4 over New England
Let's not make fun of Tom Brady
Because he has hair like a lady
It's his love of sheep
like Little Bo Peep
That I find totally shady

Washington -2.5 over Baltimore
What's up with these cheap shots from Reed?
He's getting fined, Goodell has decreed
It's cool to late hit
'Til they notice it
And you're making Tom Brady bleed

Cincy -3 over Dallas
Jerry Jones has had some work done
His face now resembles turkey bacon
These Bengals can play
Dalton will have his day
Upsetting the Cowboys owner/goblin

The rest of the picks (which I couldn't find rhymes for):
Cleveland -5.5 over KC
Philly +7.5 over Tampa Bay
Indy -5.5 over Tennessee
Chicago -2.5 over Minnesota

Last week's record: 10-5-1
Overall: 75-70-3