Friday, December 21, 2012

Week 16 NFL Picks! Plus, A Festivus Airing of Grievances

Instead of my usual cogent football analysis, each of this week's picks will be accompanied by a random observation about life (read: grievances). After an extremely sad and depressing past week and a half, I hope they provide some laughter. Feel free to read this with your inner Seinfeld voice, because "what is the deal with that?" Happy Holidays to all.

Green Bay -13 over Tennessee 
Is every band on the radio Mumford and Sons? Look, they're an ok group, but everyone now sounds like them and I'm sick of it. "And IIIIIIIIIIIIII will take my time...and IIIIIIIIII will sing like this and IIIIII will make all my songs sound the same....sound the same."

Oakland +8.5 over Carolina 
No group of people are more deserving of our scorn than snowboarders. They're the worst. They hog up the slopes, laying about like sea lions on a pier and thinking about their next "big air". Plus, they take up all the room on the chairlift line with that annoying gimp-like waddle they do. They should have their own lifts and their own slopes and separate mountains. And don't get me started on their hats. (shakes fist angrily)

Buffalo +4.5 over Miami 
Ever sneeze into your hand and immediately sniff your hand right after? Why is that smell so enchanting and intoxicating? Would I wear a sneeze-scented perfume? Perhaps not, but I'll take a free sample. This is probably just a guy thing.

Cincy +4 over Pitt
I'm tired of the expression "Too many cooks in the kitchen" and would like to officially propose changing said expression to "Too many dicks on the dance floor." You can use this expression in an office environment nicely: "This project would be done Bob, but there's way too many dicks on the dance floor right now." Hat tip to Flight of the Conchords.

New England -14 over Jacksonville
I hate these. Is it upper case or lower case? Gahhh!
I hate when I have to type letters into one of these security codes to get to my email or some other account. They've made these things so illegible that it takes about 3 tries to get through. I've had it. Stop wasting my time with your indecipherable mind games, Internet!

Indy -6.5 over K.C.
Ever get caught singing way too emphatically and playing kick-ass air guitar while stuck in your car at an intersection. Then you have to play it off like you're talking on a blue tooth that isn't there or adjusting your seatbelt? It happens to me on a semi-weekly basis. This is doubly embarrassing when you're singing No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl,"which I have never done. On an unrelated note, "tinted windows" is on my Christmas list.

Dallas -3 over N. Orleans
When people say a certain type of product, program or system is "integrated" and they're not referring to race, what they are really saying is they have no idea what "integrated" means and they hope you don't either.

Tampa -3 over St. Louis 
I was stuck on an overcrowded train in 100 degree heat in Italy this past summer and there was no A/C (yes, just imagine those smells for a second). As I was contemplating how rich I could become by introducing my new sneeze-scented perfume/deodorant to Europe, I noticed a man eating a block of brie. With nothing else, no bread or cracker, just a hunk of brie straight up. THAT'S INSANE. Brie is way, way down on my list of cheeses I could eat a block of. Now that I think about it, the entire list is: mozzarella, parmesan, cheddar, and gouda gets a maybe. I'm not eating a block of anything else.    

This expression sums up the
Lakers season thus far.
Detroit +4 over Atlanta Thursday night football was really terrible this year. Guys limping around, everybody half-assing it, it was like watching a Lakers game (ZING!). But, the only thing more annoying than the terrible games were all the people that complained about it constantly. Move the games one night to Friday. Problem solved, you're welcome.

Giants -2.5 over Baltimore 
Is there a more conflicted feeling than driving through a store parking lot and not finding even one space to park? On one hand you're frustrated, but on the other you're relieved, because it's like, "this task cannot possibly get completed and it's not my fault...I'm not parking down the street like some chump." 

San Fran pick 'em over Seattle 
Have you ever run out of diapers for your baby and wonder what you could use as a makeshift diaper should the emergency strike? "Well, I could fasten a pork pie hat to his booty with a belt-like contraption and he'll just poop into that. Problem solved! Or hey, no one ever uses this crockpot, right? We're not going back to that store with no parking today, not on my watch."

"I didn't think you could top my suckage, but you came close, bro!"
San Diego +1.5 over Jets
Speaking of what to do with poop, let's talk Jets. The Jets media attention is inversely proportional to how good they are as a team. I wish they would just be allowed to suck in anonymity, but they deserve it because they never shut up. Now they're saying they want to trade Sanchez. Unless there's a new rule where you can trade players to the CFL or the Arena League, I don't think this is happening.

Cleveland +13 over Denver 
Warning...more Jets talk. The Monday night crew were so infuriated with the Jets embarrassing excuse of an offense last Monday that they practically called for Sanchez' and Tony Sparano's head on a stake. This isn't really a grievance, I just found it noteworthy. The veins in Jon Gruden's neck were about to burst and Trent Dilfer and Steve Young looked ready to strangle someone. These guys may to need to take it down a notch.

Chicago -5 over Arizona
I never know what to tip the guy who ties the Christmas tree to the top of the car. I'm assuming it's $5-$10, but it could be more. The service he's providing is arguably more valuable to me than the tree itself. It would take me 'til MLK day to get that tree properly tied to the roof, and I'd rather not have a tree at all than try. He's getting a bigger tip from year. If I remember. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Week 14 Picks: 9-7
Overall record: 84-77-3

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