Saturday, December 31, 2011

NFL Week 17 Picks! Plus, Blog post of the year

Santiago Casilla: AKA, the Human Rain Delay
Since the end of the year is all about airing re-runs, I thought I would link to my favorite blog post of the year: How Santiago Casilla Ruined My ESPN Streak for the Cash, which happened to win Fan Post of the Year on the San Francisco Giants blog, McCovey Chronicles. That's right, you are now reading an award-winning blogger! The post is a retelling of what's known as the classic "bad beat" in gambling, and it's also a testament to how wagering on a game (even with no money involved) makes it infinitely more interesting. It's a lesson for the kids out there. Speaking of wagering, let's get to the picks:

Tampa Bay +11.5 at Atlanta
Good God, Tampa is horrible. They've lost 9 straight and lost their last four by a combined 94 points. That's what's known as coming to the wire like a thouroughbred. I'm sure they will totally try for their last game. Atlanta 31 Tampa 10 
"This playbook, it's hilarious, come check it out!"

San Fran -10.5 at St. Louis
A perfect storm for a blowout here, as St. Louis has nothing but draft postioning to play for and the Niners are playing for a first round bye. 49ers 30 St. Louis 13

Minnesota -1.5 vs. Chicago 
In a word...blechhhhh. Vikings 20 Bears 17.

Broncos -3 vs. K.C.
Wow, this line is really low considering the Chiefs have nothing to play for. The Tebow bandwagon has plenty of empty seats once again. You might say Buffalo smoted him last week. Or did they smite him? I never know what tense to use on that word. But, as I predicted, his comeuppance was right around the corner, and it was kind of delightful to watch. Now Kyle Orton is poised to deliver the ultimate revenge by knocking the Broncos out of the playoffs. If this were a movie, who is really the hero? The QB who was cut and banished off to another city, only to return; or the golden child QB everyone loves, but who is also possibly a fraud of a QB. I'm going with the upset. Chiefs 23 Broncos 20

Giants -3 vs. Dallas

Romo may play with oven mitts on Sunday.

The game of the week. It's a shame one of these teams will win, because it feels like both should lose somehow.Tony Romo's hand is pretty banged up, it looks like he has one of those Hamburger Helper type of hands. His professional hand modeling career is in jeopardy. It's also safe to say he's not "master of his domain." Meanwhile, the Giants are wishing they could play against Mark Sanchez every week. Giants 28 Dallas 24.

Jets +3 at Miami
Here lie the 2011 Jets. Their time on earth was short, but also painful. Like other Jet teams past they infuriated and tortured their fans, but also teased them by providing false hope. To their credit, they did find new and innovative ways to disappoint, including giving up 99 yard touchdowns and losing to Tim Tebow. Also, they refused to ever use their most explosive player Joe McKnight because their offensive coordinator is a dolt. They won't be missed by many. Miami 27 Jets 17

New England -10.5 vs. Buffalo
It seems like years ago, but the Bills actually beat New England in week 5 of the season. They should have just quit playing after that game, and walked off into the sunset. Sure it would have been confusing, but it also would have been MYSTERIOUS. Even Toronto doesn't want this team anymore, they've asked for a pony instead. New England 33 Buffalo 20

John Beck, supposed NFL QB/janitor.
Washington +8.5 at Philly
The poor Eagles, they just showed up a little late to the party this year. You have to sympathize, but then you remember that Eagles fans are also Phillies fans, so screw em. The Redskins most likely regret giving 4 starts in the middle of the year to John Beck, who as it turns out, was a janitor employed by the team. It was a classic paperwork mishap the Redskins are famous for.
Philly 28 Wash 14

San Diego +3 at Oakland
If Norv Turner isn't fired immediately after the end of this game he must have some incriminating photos of the San Diego owners. There's no other explanation. Oakland 28 San Diego 20

Jacksonville -3.5 vs. Indy
"Hey, did you hear about this?
 Jay Leno is a no-talent, backstabbing, ass clown."
They aren't really bothering to play this game are they? Let's just assume it's a sick joke and doesn't exist. That's what I do with Jay Leno. Jags 21 Colts 12

Arizona -3 vs. Seattle
Someone should really call the United Nations, these last two games are a crime against humanity. Arizona 16 Seattle 14.

New Orleans -8 vs. Carolina
Cam Newton is wrapping up one of the best seasons ever for a rookie QB, while Drew Brees is wrapping up one of the best season's ever, period. Just sit back and enjoy this one. Saints 34 Carolina 31.

Tennessee -1.5 at Houston
So the Tennessee Titans are going to be in the playoffs with a win? With Chris Johnson taking half of the year off and killing fantasy teams everywhere? And with their best wide receiver being hurt? Really? Seriously, my Jets couldn't be better than even this team? I guess the lesson is, don't try. Titans 26 Texans 21

Happy New Year Everyone!
Overall record: 99-74-8
Last week: 7-5-1

Friday, December 23, 2011

Week 16 NFL Picks! Plus, It's Clipper Time!

"Guys, we're only playing the Lakers, so don't go all out."
I've lived in Los Angeles for 11 years now, and over that time I've come to dislike the Los Angeles Lakers a tad. Okay, dislike is perhaps not a strong enough word. I loathe them. They are truly the Yankees of the West Coast right down to the legendary history, tons of championships, hall of fame players, iconic coaches, annoying owners, etc. Like a corrupt English lord, they also pilfer players away from small market teams (Shaq, Gasol) just as the Yankees have done for years. If you're not a fan, it's unbearable. And just like with the Yankees fan base, there's a sense of entitlement and "we're better than you" that permeates. Not to stereotype, but 100 percent of Laker fans are jerks and can bite me. Except for my Facebook friends that like the Lakers, you're all still cool. Well, except you Neil.

The one good thing about all this is when the Lakers aren't good, the rest of us indulge in delicious shadenfreude. And, guess what? Rejoice, non-Laker fans, because they are done. Even after being dominated and swept in embarrassing fashion by the Dallas Mavericks last year, there was a chance the Lakers could come back this year for one more run. A shortened season could have helped their aging vets with their creaky knees and octogenarian fingers.

Artest should have changed his name to "Misses Wide Open 3s".
But, as soon as NBA dictator David "Kim Jong" Stern put the hammer down on the Chris Paul trade to the Lakers, all hope was lost. Lamar Odom, their most versatile player and best defender (sorry, Metta World Peace) wanted out. So sensitive, that Lamar. He was given away for virtually nothing to the Mavs. Now news has come out that Kobe has been stepping out on his wife for about 10 years. Let's file that under "least shocking news ever." Regardless, a polarizing player has found a way to become more unlikable. Good luck on the divorce settlement, Kobe.

Then, the unbelievable happened, the best point guard on the planet was traded to the Clippers. The price was steep: emerging shooting guard Eric Gordon, plus a 1st round pick, two promising youngsters and goofy center/turnover machine Chris Kaman. No matter though, because the Clips are now relevant and their is a real buzz about them in LA. They added proven vets Caron Butler and Chauncey Billups and are now one of the deepest teams in the league. It's only preseason, but the Clips handily embarrassed the Lakers two games in a row this week, and more impressively, they acted like they expected it.

Kobe will be a bit lighter in the wallet soon.
In today's NBA a good point guard means everything. Last year, Chris Paul took the New Orleans Hornets to a game 6 against the Lakers playing with 4 guys that I think now play at my local YMCA. They had nothing, but Paul made everyone around him better. Combine a talented point with incredibly athletic players like Blake Griffin and Deandre Jordan and you have the makings of a new Showtime era in Los Angeles. A historic turnaround is coming. Jason Kidd did the same thing with the Nets almost a decade ago. It is a great time to be a Clipper fan in Los Angeles. And it'll be no surprise to see many a Laker fan jumping ship. As an objective observer, I say to all Clipper fans, don't throw them a life-preserver.

Let's get to the week 16 picks in a lightning round format, since I have some coal to put in some stockings:

Kansas City -2 vs. Oakland 
Oakland needs this one more. Oakland 23 - K.C. 17
Denver -3 at Buffalo 
I'm not going against Tebow on Christmas Eve. Denver 20 Buffalo 13 
Jacksonville +7.5 at Tennessee 
The Insignificance Bowl, brought to you by People Who Don't Care. Tennessee 21 Jax 20 
Arizona +4 at Cincinnati 
The Cardinals take to cold weather like fish take to land. Bengals 27 Cards 14 (lock of week)
Miami +10 at New England 
Hide your sheep and goats, because the Patriots will have home field advantage through the playoffs.
Cleveland +13 at Baltimore 
If you enjoy zero offense and punts, you'll enjoy this one. Baltimore 17 Cleveland 3
NYG +3 at Jets 
This has all the makings of a tie, so both fan bases will remain depressed as required. Giants 20 Jets 20. 
Minnesota +6 at Washington
The only thing more unnecessary than this game are bank tellers. Redskins 28 Vikings 20
Bears +13 at Green Bay 
Say hello to the CFL, Caleb Hanie.
Caleb Heinous may literally be the worst QB in modern history. Green Bay 27 Bears 10
San Diego +2.5 at Detroit 
It's Christmas, which means it's time for Norv Turner to crush the dreams of Chargers fans once again.  Lions 34 Chargers 30
Dallas -1.5 over Eagles
The Eagles hit the snooze button on their alarm until Week lazy. Cowboys 30 Eagles 28
Tampa Bay +7.5 at Carolina
No one is happier about the Colts last 2 wins than Tampa, who still have a shot at Luck. Carolina 31 Tampa 17
San Fran -2 at Seattle 
Alex Smith in the NFL's most hostile environment. Seahawks 21 San Fran 17.   
New Orleans -6.5 over Atlanta
A good game on a Monday's a Christmas miracle, God Bless us, everyone! Saints 31 Falcons 27

Have a Merry Christmas and great holiday, everyone! 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Week 15 NFL Picks! Please sir, can I have some more Tebow?

FYI, this is what happens when you bet against Tim Tebow.
We are in the home stretch of the 2011 season and this is clearly one of the most memorable seasons since at least last year, as our entire short-term memory nation would surely agree.

Denver +6.5 vs. New England 
Let's get the weekly Tebow rant out of the way first. I'll admit, I'm still in the anti-Tebow camp. I think he's terrible, yet unfathomably lucky. It's very lonely here in Anti-Tebow Camp, there's not many of us left. It's the winter of our discontent. Starvation and frostbite has set in. It looks a lot like this (fast forward to 5:09).

I do understand the Tebow-mania. Last week's comeback was scintillating, heart-stopping football. I was rooting for him, while simultaneously being repulsed by his throwing motion and knuckleballs, and by the Bears choke job. When athletes succeed in spite of huge talent deficiencies it makes us all feel good - like we could do it, too. Yet, it's not like Tebow is that bad. He won a Heisman and was a 1st round pick. He's supposed to be decent. The fact that media makes him out to be this Tiny Tim that just dropped his crutches and starting playing is what's so annoying about him.

And the religious factor takes it to another level. Marion Barber did not run out of bounds by himself. He was pushed by the hands of destiny. And those same hands made him fumble in overtime, helped Prater kick a 59-yard field goal and made the Bears retreat into a prevent defense. Such busy hands.

"Hmm, maybe I'm really right-handed?"
Yet, the fact remains, Tebow's team has been outscored overall in his career starts. What this means is he is playing WAY above his head. He is the lucky craps shooter on a terrific run, but sooner or later he will roll cold, and the chips will dwindle. And he doesn't have the luxury of walking away with house money in his pocket. He has to continue playing. Okay, I'm out of gambling analogies. But, the interceptions will come. Bad bounces and penalties will come. I'm not sure it's possible to throw more poor passes, but if anyone can do it, it's Timmy. Defenses will step up in crunch time rather than Te-bowing before him. My guess is that the luck runs out this week against New England and then again in the first round of the playoffs vs. the Steelers or Ravens.

Do you know how many other quarterbacks managed to courageously score 13 points last weekend? NEARLY ALL OF THEM. 26 of the 32 quarterbacks in action got 13 points or more (without the help of overtime and 120 yards worth of field goals). WHERE IS THEIR PARADE?  It doesn't take away the fact that Tebow has been amazing for fans to watch. But, it does bring us back to reality a little. HE WILL FALTER, YOU'LL SEE!
New England 27 Denver 17 

                                                                                          Dallas -7 at Tampa 
Who doesn't dream of one day playing in the Idaho Potato Bowl?
The NFL throws us a bone here with the rare Saturday game. They do this because college football is over, and Saturday is the first day of Bowl season, which means only the worst bowl games are defiling our airwaves. Who am I kidding, I'm very interested in the Idaho Potato Bowl. Notice they don't even have the right team photos up on their own web site? That's dedication. Regardless, When Ohio and Utah State meet, you can really throw out the records. Dallas 28 Tampa 17

Washington +6.5 at NYG Rex Grossman playing in windy conditions? As my 2-year old says, "no, no, no, no, noooooooooooo." Giants 31 Skins 13

Philly -3 over the Jets 
On the Red Zone Channel last week there were two close games that ended simultaneously and you could tell Andrew Siciliano was euphoric. "THIS IS WHY YOU WATCH THE RED ZONE CHANNEL! YOU SEE IT ALL HERE!" he exclaimed. He's right, but he doesn't have to be so smug about it. Not a good matchup for the Jets here. They seem to win when I pick against them, so:
Eagles 28 Jets 27 

Tennessee -6.5 at Indy 
There really should be one for "confusion."
Here it is, the Colts last chance at a win. I've said that about six times already this year. They've already got the #1 pick locked up, so I say they get this thing done. And the victory will inspire Jim Caldwell to blink, and say "beep bop beep, winning score does not compute. Error. Error. Caldwell-Bot 3000 must now self-destruct..."  Indy 20 Tennessee 17

Green Bay -14 at KC 
The Chiefs just gave up 37 points to a Jets offense that normally takes 10 minutes to drive down the field and kick field goals. Logic dictates the Packer will score 1,270 points on Sunday. It's just math, folks. But the Pack are missing Greg Jennings, and KC wisely fired their angry bearded head coach, so let's be generous to the Chiefs here. Green Bay 45 KC 10

Cincinnati -6.5 at St. Louis
Hey, ex-Jet Kellen Clemens will be quarterbacking for St. Louis this weekend. Last week, St. Louis played a one-legged Sam Bradford instead of Clemens, so they are clearly quite confident in his abilities. Bengals 21 Rams 9 (lock of the week)

Cleveland +6 at Arizona 
Yuck. Top five things I'd rather watch than this game: 5.) an episode of Whitney 4.) an episode of Broke Girls 3.) A Kate Hudson movie 2.) The View 1.) Jose Reyes hitting a triple in a Marlins uniform (sheds tear). Arizona 23 Browns 16

 New Orleans -6 at Minnesota
WANTED for Killing an HBO Series: Steve Zahn
I think there should be more movies that take place in New Orleans. I've never been disappointed in a movie that takes place in that city. "The Big Easy", "Skeleton Key", "Tightrope", "In the Electric Mist", "Storyville" and "Miller's Crossing" are all really good. Even "Heaven's Prisoners" had its moments. I guess my point is...what the hell happened with "Treme"? My theory is Steve Zahn was just too damn annoying.
New Orleans 34 Minny 24

Seattle +3.5 at Chicago
Can the Bears recover from last week's Tea-bagging? Whoops, I mean Tebowing. Not if Caleb Heinous remains their QB. I know Donovan McNabb is washed up, but he'd be a huge upgrade over Heinous (as he should and must be called). The Seahawks will just not go away, no matter how much we want them to. You could have made a lot of money if you had bet at the beginning of the year that Marshawn Lynch would be showered with Skittles after touchdowns. Astronomical odds on that. Seattle 13 Bears 12 (upset special)

Baltimore -2 at San Diego 
San Diego is making their late season run that causes people to forget that Norv Turner is the reason they were 4-7. Baltimore looks better without Ray Lewis, and every announcer is scared to mention that. It's like they think Ray Ray will pull up to their house in a limo. Yeah, can't blame them.
Chargers 23 Ravens 20

Detroit -1 at Oakland 
Expect a big game from Bo this weekend.
To help predict this game I dusted off the old Nintendo and simulated a Detroit-Oakland game on SuperTecmo Bowl. Hey, I've got time. So, here's what's gonna happen this weekend: Bo Jackson will run for 193 yards, Barry Sanders will run for 220 yards and Jay Schroeder will throw 3 interceptions. Rodney Peete will run several weird bootlegs to the right. And Jason Hanson will kick a field goal, like he's done for the last 23 years.
Detroit 31 Oakland 21

Carolina +6.5 at Houston
TJ Yates continues to impress, despite no one knowing who the hell he is while Cam Newton alternates between Superman and Blankman on a weekly basis. Blankman has had some control issues, but take the points here. Houston 24 Carolina 20

Jacksonville +13.5 at Atlanta 
This guy owns the Jaguars. No, seriously.
Holy cripes, Jacksonville is on prime time again? For the love of Tebow, what did we do to deserve this? It's like the NFL is showcasing the Jags so another city will step in and take them away: "Hey there Los Angeles, here's Maurice know you like him, you know you want him...he can be yours...tonight! And he'll give you a lap dance!" Unfortunately, Blaine Gabbert is not sold separately, he's part of the package. Atlanta 30 Jax 20 

Overall Record: 84-64
Last week: 5-5

Thursday, December 8, 2011

NFL Picks Week 14! A Salute to "Role Models"

In this week's column I'm going with a gimmick that, admittedly, has been done before. But, it's never been done with the greatest comedy movie of the last 5 years (high praise!). That movie is of course Role Models, starring Paul Rudd and Sean William Scott. The story of two screwed up guys and the two kids they must mentor. It possesses all the attributes a good comedy must have: great one liners, funny actors, decent storyline, brief nudity, a fun montage and a bit of heart.

We will dedicate certain quotes from the movie to the NFL team that it applies. Some of these will indeed be a stretch, and you may even be annoyed by how much of a stretch. Just enjoy the quotes. 

Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.
Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?
Danny: Was it cocaine?
This classic quote goes out to the Washington Redskins who lost 2 players this week to a drug suspension, including Fred Davis, their only decent receiver. Sad times in Washington. Now they get the Patriot and their goat show coming to town this week. You can pretty much guarantee the Redskins will acquire Peyton Manning in the off-season for about 30 million, and Peyton will play half a season before his neck falls off and he retires.
The Pick: New England -8 over Washington

Danny: Pick us up in two hours.
Ronnie Shields: F--- you, Miss Daisy.
To the Arizona Cardinals, who foolishly hoped Kevin Kolb would drive them to the NFC West title. See how I made that work? As last week's drubbing in San Fran showed, Arizona is in some trouble, with or without Kolb playing. At least the Cards didn't give up a pro bowl defensive back and millions for Kolb...oh, wait, they did. 
The Pick:  San Fran -3.5 over Arizona

Gayle Sweeny: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit?
Wheeler: In what way are we full of shit?
Danny: Which one of us has the Ph.D? 
My favorite quote of the movie goes out to the Eagles, who duped everyone into thinking they were good, when the signs were there all along (i.e. weak linebackers, no offensive line, no defensive line). It's been great fun to watch their demise, though I know they will somehow manage to knock my Jets out of the playoffs next week. It's gonna happen.
The Pick: Miami -3 over the Eagles

"Love take me down to the streets."
Duane: We are gonna make s'mores with white chocolate.
Martin Gary: Oh-ho, I don't know if I agree with that.

This borderline racist quote goes out to Jordy Nelson of the Packers who is playing so well, that articles have surfaced wondering how a white receiver could be this good, and insinuating that he's good because he's white and is getting underestimated. I don't know about all that, but the guy can fly and run over people. By the way, the Martin Gary character in this movie is awesome. I like to think of him as the brother of Kenneth from 30 Rock.
The Pick: Green Bay -11.5 over Raiders  

Danny: No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

This sounds a lot like the Jets offense, conservative and boring 97% of the time, and only interesting when they actually need it. It's a shame, because the one thing Sanchez does well is throw the deep ball. If Brian Schottenheimer played blackjack, I bet he'd be one of those guys that stays on 15 and 16 every single time no matter what. I hate those blackjack players.
The Pick: Jets -10 over K.C. 

Kids, remember, don't b.s. a b.s.'er
Gayle Sweeny: Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules.
Wheeler: Are you the coach?
Gayle Sweeny: I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization.

Who else could this go out to but TIM TEBOW. He is everyone and everything. He is the quarterback and the running back, the ying and the yang, the moon and the stars, the feng and the shui. You cannot avoid him! The Broncos have had some unbelievable luck working this year, and this week they get the Bears without their starting QB and running back. Next week is the Pats...hmm, I sure hope nothing happens to Tom Brady or Wes Welker (maniacal laugh...maniacal laugh).
The Pick: Denver -3 over Chicago

Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?
Beth: That's not a stupid question.
Danny: It's real in the game of Monopoly.
Wheeler: But Monopoly is based on true events.

"I'll ice my own kicker...checkmate, biatch."
One of the movie's silliest exchanges goes to Dallas coach Jason Garrett who amazingly iced his own kicker last week. I think it was an homage to Norv Turner. When will coaches learn 50-yard field goals aren't sure things? Probably never.
The Pick: Giants +3.5 over Dallas 

Danny: Do you like coke?
Augie Farks: I like the idea of it more than I actually like it.

Similarly, I like the idea of the Atlanta Falcons more than I like them. They should be better than they are, they are loaded offensively, and pretty solid on D, but every week it's a struggle, and last week they lost to T.J. freakin' Yates. This week they get Cam Newton who is starting to dominate.  
The Pick: Carolina +3 over Atlanta 

Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?

Norv Turner wondering if he should punt, or...punt.
Danny's meltdown at Starbucks relates to two disappointing teams, the Chargers and Bills, who play each other this week. Remember when the Bills were the story of the year? Yeah, me neither. And how is Norv Turner still coaching? If you came in to work today, punched your boss and then went to sleep on the floor, you'd be better at your job than Norv Turner.
The Pick: San Diego -7 over Buffalo 

Gayle Sweeny: I know why you are here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, is court ordered.
Danny: Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here?

To the Colts, because the guy who hasn't been "present" on the field, Peyton Manning, may be coming back. He's still rehabbing, but he wants to play when ready. Two starts out of him could ruin Indy's chances at Andrew Luck. That's the only thing that's interesting about the 0-12 Colts right now. And, I agree, this is the worst reach of all the quotes. Enjoy the games!
The Pick: Indy +16.5 over Baltimore 

Last weeks picks: 4-10 (whoopsie!)
Overall record: 79-59 (still respectable!)

Underrated band of the week, BRMC:

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Shutupskis Part 2! Plus, Week 13 NFL Picks

Yesterday we discussed five of the worst play-by-play announcers in the business. It was tremendous fun for all. Today, we'll take a look at the worst in-game analysts. I have to admit, it's tough keeping this list to five, there's so many worthy candidates. A great analyst is one who knows the game inside and out, but also doesn't feel the need to point it out to the viewer. They don't have to comment on every damn play (ahem, Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden), they pick their spots. They are witty and engaging, but also are not afraid to call a player or referee or coach out when necessary. They're not afraid to say things like, "Norv Turner is the dumbest man to ever put on pants by himself." Or, "Herm Edwards has the same clock management skills as a  newborn baby." Or, "Tom Coughlin's red face is looking like it may finally burst tonight, stay tuned folks!" Those comments are ENTERTAINING AND INFORMATIVE!

One of the best analysts working today in college basketball is Bill Raftery. He's funny, passionate, knows the game well, and doesn't take things too seriously. This is all we really want from our analysts. The following Shutupski winners have none of those qualities. They are the anti-Rafterys, completely lacking in "onions":

Yes-man Troy Aikman, seen here in mid-nod.
The Ed McMahon "You Are Correct, Sir" Award goes to:
Troy Aikman: The consummate "yes" man analyst. Aikman is a nice enough guy, but all he ever does is agree with his partner (and fellow Shutupski winner!) Joe Buck on every single point. "You're right about that Joe" ..."that's a great point, Joe" .... "Have to agree with ya there, Joe" are just a few of the pearls of wisdom that one gets while watching Aikman. He's also highly inquisitive and will throw in the occasional "I don't know about that call there, Joe". In his defense, he did suffer multiple concussions during his playing days.

Another die-hard McCarver fan.
The "Thanks, Captain Obvious" Award goes to:
Tim McCarver: Hey, another partner of Joe Buck, coincidence? I THINK NOT. It's a contagion that's spreading. There was a time when McCarver was considered interesting. That time passed long ago. It all started to go downhill for Tim when Deon Sanders drenched him with champagne and ice during a pennant clinching celebration. I think Tim suffered hypothermia and was never the same. Some McCarver-isms include:"statistics only tell you so much" and "they may hit and run here... or they might not." That is going out on a limb! He also truly enjoys Joe Buck's attempts at wit, and that earns him further disdain.

Merchant, most likely relieving himself.
The "Oh My God, This Guy Belongs in a Home" Award goes to: 
Larry Merchant: He's an icon in boxing broadcasting, yet lately, Merchant's post-fight interviews provide a glimpse at a man's descent into dementia. While that might be scientifically interesting, it's not great television. In his last interview with Floyd Mayweather, he threatened to kick his ass. During an actual match, Merchant's comments range from the delusional to an angry old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn. He yearns for a return to the days when bear-fisted fighters like Jack Johnson fought 78 rounds or until someone died, and in that respect, I kind of agree with him.

"Guys, I'm on the field, I'm on the field!"
The "There is No Need For You" Award goes to: 
Tony Siragusa: Every weekend, this football "analyst" provides zero useful information, except to say things like, "I'm down here on the field and these guys are really hitting! I can hear it!" The geniuses at Fox knew the massive Siragusa would probably not fit in a normal booth, so he is allowed to patrol the sidelines unfettered and contribute various insights about the day's weather. It's awkward for everyone.

Joe Morgan, seen here devaluing the Emmy Award by 1000%
The "Everything You Say I Want to Un-hear" Award goes to: 
Joe Morgan: The broadcaster so abhorrent he was the first to have a website dedicated to his firing. Thankfully, the mission was accomplished and Morgan no longer calls Sunday Night Baseball. Joe's major offenses were that he was a pompous d-wad that would never admit a mistake (when there were countless) and he refused to acknowledge statistics had any place in evaluating players. He believed all that should matter is heart and intangibles and what his brilliant eyes saw. No one can understand the game like him BECAUSE HE PLAYED IT. Worst of all, he loved sacrifice bunts. Bunts are surrender. Bunts are France. Bunts are laying up on a Par 5 when you can get there in 2. Bunts are stupid.

Honorable Mentions: Phil Simms, Dick Vitale, Mark May, Jon Gruden, Dan Dierdorf 

NFL Week 13 Quick Picks:
Buffalo -1.5 over Tennessee
Oakland +3 over Miami
Chicago -7.5 over Kansas City 
Baltimore -6.5 over Cleveland (lock of the week)
Washington +3 over the Jets
Atlanta -3 over Houston
Tampa -3 over Carolina
Minny -1.5 over Denver
St. Louis +13.5 over San Francisco
Detroit +9 over New Orleans
Dallas -4.5 over Arizona
Giants +7 over Green Bay
Indy +20.5 over New England
San Diego -3 over Jacksonville

Last Week 7-6-1
Overall: 75-49-7

 Enjoy the games, I leave you with an underrated Frank Black song: