Friday, September 30, 2011

Week 4 Picks! The Week of Bad Games

If only more players would play for 
food, says every NFL owner
It's week 4, or as I am cleverly going to call it: Weak 4. Feel free to use that with friends and take credit for it, you plagiarists. Somehow this is the worst week of games since the players strike in 1987 when teams played with rosters full of high school gym teachers, hobos and Mark Gastineau. Out of 16 games this week, about four are what I would call watchable.

Take a glance at these horrific matchups that are sure to include 22 guys stumbling around a field like Keystone cops, getting flagged for acting like idiots and punting the ball back and forth to each other every few minutes: Minnesota vs. Kansas City; Tennessee vs. Cleveland; Washington vs. St. Louis; Indy vs. Tampa; Atlanta vs. Seattle...I could go on, but I don't want to depress you. Yet, as ugly as it will be, it's still football and I'm going to watch. What else am I going to do? Go outside? On a Sunday? Please. On to the matchups:

An early Chief player, the tomahawk
was sadly outlawed by the NFL in 1964.

Minnesota +2.5 vs. K.C.
My eyes! They burn just thinking of this one. A team may technically "win" this game, but there will be no real victory, especially not for those in attendance or watching at home. Minnesota has blown huge leads in three straight games. I think they should let the Chiefs score first in this one and try it that way, but are they smart enough to do this? Also, it's not clear if the Chiefs know where the end zone is, or that 10 yards is required for a first down, not 2. Something's got to give in this one. Minnesota 17 Chiefs 16

Carolina +6.5 at Chicago
We need Cam to be a loser
this week, and put up big stats
Well, the Cam Newton locomotive came to a screeching halt last week, and yet the Panthers won. The important take away from this is that Newton's numbers were pretty bad and he killed my fantasy team. Let's hope he can get back to losing and putting up big numbers this week. Know your role, Cam! Take the points. Chicago 21 Carolina 17

Houston -4 vs. Pittsburgh
See this is a nice game featuring a powerful offense against a solid defense. It's a team on the rise verse a team that seems to be slipping (or let's hope they are, because really Pittsburgh, it's enough already). Something doesn't look quite right with Pittsburgh. Maybe Big Ben needs to go back to the bottle and frequenting Southern dive bars. They struggled to put away a Colts team led by Curtis Painter? (yes, his last name contains a question mark) last week, and were blown out the week before. Houston could have easily won last week in New Orleans. The line is a bit high, but I still like the Texans. Houston 30 Pitt 24

Ben at his finest

Giants -1 over Arizona 
This line indicates Vegas does not believe in the Giants, who beat a good Philly team on the road last week, while Arizona lost to Seattle. And not even to the Mariners, but to the Seahawks. At football. Giants 31 Cards 27

Buffalo -3 at Cincinnati
This is the week where we really find out about the Bills. It looks like a classic letdown game, coming off a big win over the Patsies and facing the sleep-inducing Bengals. Cincy really let me down last week against the 49ers, and now they will feel my wrath with the sting of my pick. Buffalo 27 - Bengals 13 (take that!) 

Detroit +1.5 at Dallas
That Dallas field goal kicking unit was a site to behold on Monday, with 6 thrilling field goals. It reminded everyone why kicking field goals is stupid and lame. In case you didn't know, Tony Romo is the bravest and toughest man to ever walk the earth, at least according to ESPN announcers. Still, I'm going with Detroit, the city that has never ever let anyone down. Detroit 28 Dallas 24

Washington -1.5 at St. Louis
I'm going with St. Louis and I don't feel good about it. I may have to punish myself like Ian McShane in Pillars of the Earth for taking this pick, but I'd rather do that than take Rex Grossman on the road. St. Louis 24 Washington 20

Oh, Blaine
New Orleans -7 at Jacksonville
I think people still don't quite get how bad this Jacksonville team is. Let's not tell them and keep reaping the rewards. The Jaguar QB is named Blaine Gabbert. That's not a QB name, that's a James Spader character in an 80s movie. Spader was a bold pick for The Office by the way, I endorse it. New Orleans 34 - Jacksonville 10 (lock of the week)

San Diego -7 vs. Miami 
Gotta be honest, no clue on this one. I'm going to take San Diego because I haven't taken many home teams yet (sound logic!). San Diego seems to never cover at home, while Miami plays better on the road. Still, Rivers is due for a good game and Miami's entire secondary has been released and replaced by cute kittens. True story. San Diego 31 Miami 23  

Heidi would like to vote Curtis Painter
"oot" of the NFL
Indy +10 at Tampa Bay 
Still not sold on this Tampa team that wins in very ugly fashion. Speaking of fashion, how about that Project Runway episode last week? Can you believe Heidi said "you're oot" to that flamboyant designer? Me either! And that one dress? Are you kidding me? Sorry guys, have to include that last tangent for my growing female audience. Your welcome, ladies. Anyway, Curtis Painter? proved all his doubters correct last week. Thanks, Curtis, we like to get one right on occasion. Tampa 21 Indy 16

Green Bay -12.5 vs. Denver 
This Packer team is not messing around this year. Meanwhile, the city of Denver would prefer to lose by 30 points with Tim Tebow rather than losing by 10 with Kyle Orton. Those Colorado folks like their QBs like they like their mountains - big, white and pristine. Green Bay 38 Denver 14 

Atlanta -4 at Seattle 
A Falcon vs. a Hawk, cool! I consulted the Internet to see who would win a real fight between these two birds: See here: I guess we have our answer...


But wait!   I expect this game to go to overtime, what an even matchup. Atlanta 23 - Seattle 17

New England -4 at Oakland 
With the Red Sox collapse and New England blowing a 21 point lead, it was a banner week for those that dislike Boston, so it was a banner week for 99.5 percent of the country. High five, everyone! Still, I can't see Oakland beating the Jets and Pats on back to back weeks. Also, after any loss Belichick hires new spies and unleashes hellfire on the next opponent. New England 38 - Raiders 21 

Philly -9 vs. San Fran
I'm taking Philly to rebound this week. A lot of people called Vick a cry baby this week for complaining about late hits. But thanks to that complaining, the NFL stated this game will played at a Chuck E Cheese in the rubber ball tank where no one will get hurt. And pizza afterwards for everyone! Well played, Michael. Eagles 24 - 49ers 10

Jets +3.5 vs. Baltimore 
This has all the makings of one of those heart-breaking Jets defeats where they are driving in the 4th quarter for the win and then Sanchez throws a back-breaking pick while Ray Lewis celebrates like it was all him, even though he had nothing to do with the play. That's a vintage Ray Lewis move. As Jets fans, we get a sense when these things are coming. Baltimore 23 - Jets 20 

Chris Johnson running backwards again...
that's why no one is around him.
Cleveland -1 vs. Tennessee
Chris Johnson is clearly just messing with his fantasy owners on purpose now. He is literally running backwards after getting hand-offs, and he occasionally just lies down and takes naps on the field for entire drives. He's requested a Snuggie this week. It's not fair I tell you. Cleveland 24 - Tennessee 20

Enjoy the games!
Overall record: 10-6
Lock of the week: 0-1

Thursday, September 29, 2011

DVD Review: The Unlimited Plot Holes Of "Limitless"

I can find the good in most movies, whether it's a drama, comedy, action, whatever. Whether it's a classic absurd action flick like "Commando" where Arnold Schwarzenegger blows up the same people several times over, or a movie that takes itself too seriously, art-house indie flick like "Living in Oblivion," or a somewhat preachy historical drama like "The Conspirator". If the plot keeps moving along, and the dialogue rings true, you've got me. If there's some minor details that don't quite add up, I'm happy to let them slide. What I can't and won't abide are plot holes so wide you can sail a fleet of aircraft carriers through them. Based on this belief, I'm surprised so many people liked "Limitless". A spoiler alert for those who have not seen it begins now:

Bradley Cooper reaches down deep for some gravitas...
and comes up empty.
Starring the always douchey and not at all charismatic Bradley Cooper (who no matter what he does, will always be known as Sack Lodge), "Limitless" starts out with a nice, but fairly simple premise. Meet a fairly dumb guy with bad hair, watch as dumb guy takes pills then gets smart and obnoxiously confident (where Cooper does indeed excel) then loses pills, gets dumb again, and must find those damn pills. To help us-- the viewers-- know when he's smart, the director makes his eyes ridiculously blue and cuts his hair. Gee, thanks! The movie is also either a hammer over the head allegory about drug use and addiction, a blatant rip-off of the classic short story "Flowers for Algernon" that we all read in the 6th grade or an ad for better living through Chemistry, courtesy of Big Pharma.

Enough set-up, here's a list of just some of the numerous plot flaws. For those that have watched it, if I missed any, please add your own in the comment section.

Huge Flaw #1: Bradley Cooper is a novelist with godawful hygeine who's procured a book advance. Before he takes the brain enhancing drugs.

Huge Flaw #2:  Once he's gotten the pills that open up his brain, Cooper's character becomes insanely smart, yet his first move is to secure a loan from a crazy Russian loan shark who threatens to kill him if he doesn't pay him back. Huh?

Mars Attacks: more believable
than Limitless
Huge Flaw #3: Cooper has a supply of the drug NZT throughout most of the movie, but in every other scene he is going through withdrawals. The audience is also never told how much is left, but it always seems like not much, until they show a bag and there's a ton. The drug does look kind of cool and silvery though, like a futuristic Mentos, so points on the design of if at least.

Huge Flaw #4: Somewhere during one of the movies 4 or 5 montages where Bradster is doing cool, rich things he possibly murders some girl. We are never told whether he does or not. Who cares, right? Minor detail, move on, nothing to see here.
Huge Flaw #5:  Remember when this brilliant guy secures a loan from a crazy Russian loan shark who threatens to kill him if he doesn't pay him back? He forgets to pay him back.

Like looking in a mirror
Huge Flaw #6: Have you ever noticed that Bradley Cooper looks kind of like an alligator? Bradley, you know what they say: if you ain't a gator, you gator bait.

Huge Flaw #7: Early on, before he borrows money from the gangster, when he's thinking with his enhanced brain, he says he made a plan but he would need money to execute it. Then he becomes a day trader. If there's one thing I know, it's that day trading is for schmoes.

Hugh Flaw #8: At one point in the film, Coop's long suffering ex-girlfriend, played by Abbie Cornish is being chased in broad daylight through Central Park. As the guy's closing in, she swallows a pill and suddenly her enhanced brain focuses on all the potential weapons nearby. She sees a nearby gardener with gigantic shears, a guy holding a baseball bat, and an ice skating rink. Where does she go? Racing to a nearby ice skating rink, picking up a small child, and using said child's ice skated feet to whip the guy across the face. Why would she pick that?

Scary Russian guys that wear funny
suits are very in right now.
Huge Flaw #9: He gets an $8.5 million apartment in a high security/supposedly impenetrable building. When the gangsters show up, they have no problem strolling up to his place and drilling a hole in his door with some sort of crazy boring device that Dr. Evil or Goldfinger would envy. This thing could reach the earth's core. It's a fairly loud product. Once they're in, they proceed to shoot at him with machine guns and throw him around for several minutes and no one seems to notice, except for a neighbor who is also murdered as a result of his drug addiction.

Huge Flaw #10: He drinks a guy's blood to get high. This is just blatant and gratuitous cashing in on the vampire craze.

Yup, I'm a D-bag.
Huge Flaw #11: At the end of the movie, Robert DeNiro's character returns to blackmail Sack and lets him know his lab (where he is making more of the drug) has been shut down and he's going to have some 'splaining to do, unless he lets DeNiro start calling all the shots. Then we learn from Cooper that he's weened himself off the drug and doesn't need it anymore and he has retained all his smartitudouchness (his words, not mine). First of all, this goes against everything that was stated about the drug earlier in the movie. Secondly, if that was the case, why is the goddamn lab still open? Answer me that, Coopdog?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Week 3 NFL Picks!

Also on that cart, the broken dreams
of millions of fantasy owners
Ah, it's week 3 already. I can always tell it's week 3 of the NFL because the Mets have been officially eliminated and are depressingly playing out the string, the Yankees have clinched a playoff spot and both of my fantasy teams are winless (thanks Jamaal Charles!). But that's no reason I can't pretend to know more than Las Vegas' best sports books, right? Of course not. Week 3 is actually always a good week to bet on NFL games. It's the week Las Vegas will overreact to both bad teams and good teams and set lines abnormally high. Yes, we can tell certain teams like Kansas City and Seattle will be atrocious, but even terrible teams can sometimes cover spreads of 14 points or higher. If they couldn't, the world would spiral into chaos, right? (warning: I don't follow the news)

In addition, there's also money to made on matchups with teams that are both 1-1. A lot of these .500 teams (Arizona, Giants, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay, Cleveland) have beaten doormats . And others are quality teams that ran into a tough opponent on the road (New Orleans, Chicago, Atlanta, Philly), or suffered a classic letdown game after a big win (Baltimore). Timothy Hutton would say there's leverage to be had in these games. Does he say "we've got leverage now, boys!" in every episode? If not, he should.

When betting there's really only a few rules one needs to follow:
1) don't bet your favorite team (I violate this rule frequently) 
2) don't take crappy QBs on the road (unless he's on your fantasy team!)
3) Don't take Tavaris Jackson under any circumstances
4) Never forget rule 3

But enough with your rules, let's take a look at the games. I personally guarantee an over .500 winning percentage or this blog is FREE!

Jacksonville +3.5 at Carolina
The Jags have wisely benched Luke McCown, who was so terrible last week vs. the Jets that the Seahawks have asked if he is available in a trade. Meanwhile Cam Newton is playing so well, his dad has retroactively demanded even more money from Auburn. Carolina 27 Jags 13

FACT: Tom Brady molests goats
New England -9 at Buffalo
Oh Tom Brady, how I loathe you so. It's a good thing the devil owns the rights to your soul. Can you collect on that debt soon, Mr. Devil? This will be a shootout as those damned Chowder-eaters love running up the score, and padding Pretty Boy's stat line. The Bills are the early season feel good story, who everyone is hoping for, gosh gee by golly. They also barely beat the Raiders at home, and worse, gave up 35 points to a team QB'd by Jason Campbell. Their other win was over the Chiefs. Take the Pats and the points, but also remember to hate yourself for aligning with evil. Score: Pats 42 Bills 27  

Cincinnati -2.5 vs. San Fran
Here we have a line that doesn't make a lot of sense. The Bengals have been surprisingly feisty this year, while the Niners are their same old under-achieving selves. They beat a hapless Seahawk team and coughed up one at home against Dallas. They couldn't stop Tony Romo, who had several rib bones protruding from his jersey. Plus we have a West Coast team playing an early game in the east. Their digestive systems will not be in sync! Off topic, but anyone else notice that hotel room coffee is getting worse despite the advanced technology of the coffee makers? Thanks for nothing, Starbucks "East African Blend," you taste like shoe. This almost looks too easy for the Bengals, but I'm still taking them (remember, don't over-think). Cincy 24 San Fran 20 

The Browns will edge past the
Dolphins by a neck
Cleveland -2.5 vs. Miami
Peyton Hillis' neck is writing checks the rest of his body can't cash. It's already wider than his head, and it's gaining on his shoulder width. Be afraid. Miami's defensive secondary may as well be a system of well placed orange cones. Their players literally stand motionless and watch receivers whip by them. It's a sight to behold. Like doves being freed from their cages. Take the Cleve here, but don't watch this game. Cleveland 28 Miami 17

Tennessee -7 vs. Denver
This Titan team should not be favored by this much, even if they were playing Vanderbilt. And memo to Chris Johnson, way to earn that $53 million contract so far, buddy. Why don't you just light some money on fire everytime you are stopped for no gain to complete the deal. Take the points and pray to St. Tebow, the patron saint of underdogs covering the spread. Denver 21 - Tenn 20

Arizona -3 over Seattle
Tavaris looks off in the direction of
his last incomplete pass
You have to admire Seattle fans, they will show up and cheer for this hot mess, and even force the Cards into a couple of false starts. Well done, twelfth man. Take 'Zona and thank me later. Arizona 24 - Seattle 9

Green Bay -3.5 at Chicago 
I think the Pack got a little wake up call vs. Carolina last weekend. The Bears offensive line thinks blocking is just a stupid suggestion by "the man" trying to keep them down, and they should not be obligated to do it every down. Give the points and eat a block of cheese. Green Bay 31 - Bears 23

Houston +4 at New Orleans
This will be the game of the day, lots of scoring. Saints have one of the best home crowds, plus two road wins in a row is a lot to ask from this Houston team. Saints 38 - Houston 31

Troy Polamalu blames it on the rain
Indy +10.5 vs. Pittsburgh
Unfortunately, the entire nation will be subjected to this ugly game, as the Colts are awful, and America should be happy about this, it's about time. The Steelers are just annoying and whiny. "Why can't we cheap shot people anymore? Boo-hoo." Shut up and get a haircut, Polamalu. By the way, the Colts play 4 more times this year on national T.V. Can we really do nothing about this? Surprisingly, I'll still take the Colts to cover with a garbage TD in the fourth, as this is too many points to lay.
Pitt 21 Colts 13 

Detroit -3.5 at Minnesota
This is a bit of trap game, as everyone is on the Detroit bandwagon, and Minnesota has Donovan McNabb ritually spiking balls into the turf, even though it's not a 2 minute drill. Minnesota is not as bad as they appear, and Detroit not as good as they look, so I'll take the "minny" upset here (get it? that word play is free, remember). Minnesota 24 Detroit 21

Philly vs. Giants & Dallas vs. Washington (no line, off the board)
The good news is, we can't lose money on this game. That's practically a win! If Vick plays, take Philly ... Similarly, if Romo plays take Washington.

Atl. -1.5 at Tampa 
Interesting game as both teams are lucky to be 1-1, but Atlanta has played tougher teams, and has better talent, but hasn't really played well yet. Lock of the week: Atlanta 27 Tampa 20 

San Diego -14.5 vs. Kansas City 
The Chargers should win this by 49, but Norv Turner is involved, and the Turner Formula states subtract 36 points from the team he coaches. Chargers win, but don't cover the rivalry game. Also, Dexter McCluster will break a big play in this one at some point, and watch for a Chiefs kick return.
San Diego 34 - Chiefs 21.

Siciliano, giving you an earful
Baltimore -3.5 over St. Louis
Tangent time - has anyone noticed Andrew Siciliano's ears? It's unsettling when you are watching a game and they cut to him and those two airplane wings extending from his dome. I bet he can hear our thoughts with those things. He does a nice job though, and may God bless the Red Zone Channel, for it is glorious. Tough line here, Baltimore was terrible last week, as was St. Louis. When in doubt, take AFC over NFC. Baltimore 23 - St. Louis 16

Jets -3.5 at Oak
Reason #987,876,35 not to go
 to a Raider game
The Jets never play well in the Black Hole. But really, who can play well there? It's a vortex with zero gravity that disintegrates all matter. That makes it tough on QBs to complete passes. That extra half point on the spread is a spicy meatball. Too spicy, I think the Jets will win ugly in claaassic Jets fashion and will not cover this one. A Jet fan will also get the crap beaten out of him and tazed somewhere in this stadium. Jets 20 Raiders 17

Enjoy the games, everyone!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Favorite Quotes from Hawaii 5-0 That Were Never Said, But Should Have Been

Please note, I've never watched this show, but I hear it's not at all terrible. I'll probably never watch it, because I strongly dislike the diminutive Scott Caan and just can't get onboard with anything he is involved in. I don't know if it's the hair or the rolled up sleeves or the little tough guy/Napoleon complex that he walks around with, but he vexes me greatly. With that said, here's my favorite quotes that were never actually said, but certainly should have been said at some point during season one of Hawaii 5-0.

Scott Caan looks bitter, probably because
his lifts still aren't helping
"They've gone up to the volcano ... do you know what that means? Run!"
"Now that that we caught our man, how 'bout we catch that sunset, baby?"  
"This island will seduce you...but there is danger here, my friend"
"Hey man, this ain't Magnum P.I., I'm not Rick and he's not Higgins and T.C. isn't going to fly in here on a chopper and save us!"
"You know I could arrest you right here for wearing that bikini, right?"
"You flew here, but we grew here, you Haole."*
"It's the gods, you've upset them."
"Looks like... he caught the last wave he'll ever catch."**
"You can go ahead and jump off this cliff, or you can choose to live, dammit."
"Dude, I told you, my outrigger is in the shop!"
"That's not a whale, that's a goddamn submarine!"
"Look, you can tell me about it here on our surfboards in the ocean, or we can go downtown and talk about it. Which do you pref-  look out, wave!"
"You probably can't tell way down there, but up here, the view is nice."***

*I imagine they steal liberally from Blue Crush
**I also imagine they steal from CSI
***Said to Scott Caan on numerous occasions

Friday, September 16, 2011

Welcome to Dave's Deep Dish! Wear a helmet, it's raining truth bombs.

Greetings to everyone out there on the Interwebs. Even though the Internet is merely a series of tubes that acts not unlike a toxic waste site holding the wretched refuse of our country’s most horrifying hopes and dreams, I do hope you continue to read this blog, for it will entertain you in ways you cannot imagine. And you can’t imagine them, because frankly I haven’t thought of them yet (get off my back, this is my first post and you’re not the boss of me). 

This has nothing to do with the article, it's just a good movie
Anyway, if there are two things we all know the world needs more of it is blogs and lawyers. I’m just kidding, we only really need more lawyers. Yet I will go on, and do my best with this experiment, despite your derision. That’s right, I see you rolling your eyes and it does not become you. Like a team that uses the “nobody believed in us” mantra to will themselves to a title, I will change the “us” to “me” (since I have professional editing experience, don’t try this at home) and voila, there is my motivation. The fact that you don’t actually not believe in me is irrelevant. As a famous Italian actor I can’t recall once said, “the point is moo.”

Mr. Met has been naughty, but prolific.
Here are just a few things you can look for in this blog:
  • Lots of sports, particularly Mets and Jets info and opinions. Mostly just opinions, but I shall support those opinions with cold hard facts. Do not attempt to fact-check these facts either, as that is known in the blog business as being a complete buzz kill. Also expect some heartfelt whining at no extra charge.
  • Relentless criticizing of sports announcers. Mostly because I’m jealous of them. From the subtle fakeness of Joe Buck and Jim Nantz to the eye-gouge inducing absurdity of Chris Berman, there are always announcers to make fun of, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
  • Sadly, this band didn't know what they had
     until it was gone.
  • Music reviews. Not to brag, but I have outstanding taste in music, ask anyone that has been thoroughly rocked the hell out by one of my juke box play lists in the many bars across L.A. You know how it is when you put a good rock block together? The noise in the bar picks up, people start tapping their feet, and nodding their heads. Everyone starts kind of looking around like, “hey, who put on these last three killer tunes? Not many people would go from Toots and the Maytals to Cinderella to Spoon, but this guy just pulled it off, the progression works and our lives are all better for it!” So expect to be enlightened.
  • Movies and television…the fall season is upon us. Should you watch Up All Night with Wil Arnett or Ringer with Sarah Michelle Gellar? Hint: (both, silly!). These are questions you can’t answer on your own. It’s not safe. And if you prefer shows like “America’s Got Talent” I will explain to you why you’re what’s wrong with America. As for movies..well, this Straw Dogs thing looks interesting, doesn’t it? I guarantee this kind of cinematic insight on a bi-weekly basis, at least.
  • My sports bet of the week. As my bookie will happily tell you, I’ve enriched his life through my betting techniques. He has learned stuff from me! Such as, “I wonder if Dave’s losses will allow me to put in a Jacuzzi this year?” Of course they will! But don’t worry, this just means that I am so totally due, and you will reap the rewards.
That’s all for now, please keep reading, and yes, ad space is available (but selling up fast!) Cheers!


P.S. – I almost forgot there will be reviews of pizza from the around world – mostly for legal reasons so that the title of this site is not confused with a porn site, but also because I love pizza and could eat it everyday for the rest of my life.