Friday, September 30, 2011

Week 4 Picks! The Week of Bad Games

If only more players would play for 
food, says every NFL owner
It's week 4, or as I am cleverly going to call it: Weak 4. Feel free to use that with friends and take credit for it, you plagiarists. Somehow this is the worst week of games since the players strike in 1987 when teams played with rosters full of high school gym teachers, hobos and Mark Gastineau. Out of 16 games this week, about four are what I would call watchable.

Take a glance at these horrific matchups that are sure to include 22 guys stumbling around a field like Keystone cops, getting flagged for acting like idiots and punting the ball back and forth to each other every few minutes: Minnesota vs. Kansas City; Tennessee vs. Cleveland; Washington vs. St. Louis; Indy vs. Tampa; Atlanta vs. Seattle...I could go on, but I don't want to depress you. Yet, as ugly as it will be, it's still football and I'm going to watch. What else am I going to do? Go outside? On a Sunday? Please. On to the matchups:

An early Chief player, the tomahawk
was sadly outlawed by the NFL in 1964.

Minnesota +2.5 vs. K.C.
My eyes! They burn just thinking of this one. A team may technically "win" this game, but there will be no real victory, especially not for those in attendance or watching at home. Minnesota has blown huge leads in three straight games. I think they should let the Chiefs score first in this one and try it that way, but are they smart enough to do this? Also, it's not clear if the Chiefs know where the end zone is, or that 10 yards is required for a first down, not 2. Something's got to give in this one. Minnesota 17 Chiefs 16

Carolina +6.5 at Chicago
We need Cam to be a loser
this week, and put up big stats
Well, the Cam Newton locomotive came to a screeching halt last week, and yet the Panthers won. The important take away from this is that Newton's numbers were pretty bad and he killed my fantasy team. Let's hope he can get back to losing and putting up big numbers this week. Know your role, Cam! Take the points. Chicago 21 Carolina 17

Houston -4 vs. Pittsburgh
See this is a nice game featuring a powerful offense against a solid defense. It's a team on the rise verse a team that seems to be slipping (or let's hope they are, because really Pittsburgh, it's enough already). Something doesn't look quite right with Pittsburgh. Maybe Big Ben needs to go back to the bottle and frequenting Southern dive bars. They struggled to put away a Colts team led by Curtis Painter? (yes, his last name contains a question mark) last week, and were blown out the week before. Houston could have easily won last week in New Orleans. The line is a bit high, but I still like the Texans. Houston 30 Pitt 24

Ben at his finest

Giants -1 over Arizona 
This line indicates Vegas does not believe in the Giants, who beat a good Philly team on the road last week, while Arizona lost to Seattle. And not even to the Mariners, but to the Seahawks. At football. Giants 31 Cards 27

Buffalo -3 at Cincinnati
This is the week where we really find out about the Bills. It looks like a classic letdown game, coming off a big win over the Patsies and facing the sleep-inducing Bengals. Cincy really let me down last week against the 49ers, and now they will feel my wrath with the sting of my pick. Buffalo 27 - Bengals 13 (take that!) 

Detroit +1.5 at Dallas
That Dallas field goal kicking unit was a site to behold on Monday, with 6 thrilling field goals. It reminded everyone why kicking field goals is stupid and lame. In case you didn't know, Tony Romo is the bravest and toughest man to ever walk the earth, at least according to ESPN announcers. Still, I'm going with Detroit, the city that has never ever let anyone down. Detroit 28 Dallas 24

Washington -1.5 at St. Louis
I'm going with St. Louis and I don't feel good about it. I may have to punish myself like Ian McShane in Pillars of the Earth for taking this pick, but I'd rather do that than take Rex Grossman on the road. St. Louis 24 Washington 20

Oh, Blaine
New Orleans -7 at Jacksonville
I think people still don't quite get how bad this Jacksonville team is. Let's not tell them and keep reaping the rewards. The Jaguar QB is named Blaine Gabbert. That's not a QB name, that's a James Spader character in an 80s movie. Spader was a bold pick for The Office by the way, I endorse it. New Orleans 34 - Jacksonville 10 (lock of the week)

San Diego -7 vs. Miami 
Gotta be honest, no clue on this one. I'm going to take San Diego because I haven't taken many home teams yet (sound logic!). San Diego seems to never cover at home, while Miami plays better on the road. Still, Rivers is due for a good game and Miami's entire secondary has been released and replaced by cute kittens. True story. San Diego 31 Miami 23  

Heidi would like to vote Curtis Painter
"oot" of the NFL
Indy +10 at Tampa Bay 
Still not sold on this Tampa team that wins in very ugly fashion. Speaking of fashion, how about that Project Runway episode last week? Can you believe Heidi said "you're oot" to that flamboyant designer? Me either! And that one dress? Are you kidding me? Sorry guys, have to include that last tangent for my growing female audience. Your welcome, ladies. Anyway, Curtis Painter? proved all his doubters correct last week. Thanks, Curtis, we like to get one right on occasion. Tampa 21 Indy 16

Green Bay -12.5 vs. Denver 
This Packer team is not messing around this year. Meanwhile, the city of Denver would prefer to lose by 30 points with Tim Tebow rather than losing by 10 with Kyle Orton. Those Colorado folks like their QBs like they like their mountains - big, white and pristine. Green Bay 38 Denver 14 

Atlanta -4 at Seattle 
A Falcon vs. a Hawk, cool! I consulted the Internet to see who would win a real fight between these two birds: See here: I guess we have our answer...


But wait!   I expect this game to go to overtime, what an even matchup. Atlanta 23 - Seattle 17

New England -4 at Oakland 
With the Red Sox collapse and New England blowing a 21 point lead, it was a banner week for those that dislike Boston, so it was a banner week for 99.5 percent of the country. High five, everyone! Still, I can't see Oakland beating the Jets and Pats on back to back weeks. Also, after any loss Belichick hires new spies and unleashes hellfire on the next opponent. New England 38 - Raiders 21 

Philly -9 vs. San Fran
I'm taking Philly to rebound this week. A lot of people called Vick a cry baby this week for complaining about late hits. But thanks to that complaining, the NFL stated this game will played at a Chuck E Cheese in the rubber ball tank where no one will get hurt. And pizza afterwards for everyone! Well played, Michael. Eagles 24 - 49ers 10

Jets +3.5 vs. Baltimore 
This has all the makings of one of those heart-breaking Jets defeats where they are driving in the 4th quarter for the win and then Sanchez throws a back-breaking pick while Ray Lewis celebrates like it was all him, even though he had nothing to do with the play. That's a vintage Ray Lewis move. As Jets fans, we get a sense when these things are coming. Baltimore 23 - Jets 20 

Chris Johnson running backwards again...
that's why no one is around him.
Cleveland -1 vs. Tennessee
Chris Johnson is clearly just messing with his fantasy owners on purpose now. He is literally running backwards after getting hand-offs, and he occasionally just lies down and takes naps on the field for entire drives. He's requested a Snuggie this week. It's not fair I tell you. Cleveland 24 - Tennessee 20

Enjoy the games!
Overall record: 10-6
Lock of the week: 0-1


  1. Great stuff Dave can't stop laughing.

  2. Dave,
    Despite great graphics I still detect an underlying anti Seattle lean here. Were you victimized in the WTO riots when I was still barely alive? I'm just askin.

    Curtis Painter?
    Good one.

    Kurt Complain

  3. watch Washington vs Cleveland live

    watch Washington vs Cleveland live

    watch Washington vs Cleveland live

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