Tuesday, January 31, 2012

15 Questions That Should Be Asked on Super Bowl Media Day

Today is the official Media Day at the Super Bowl. Lots of inane, pedantic questions will be asked of every player and coach in a circus like atmosphere. So, I thought it would be a great idea to ask fifteen questions of my own that would surely be more interesting than anything being asked today:

This picture needs some answers.
1) To Tom Brady: Please explain the picture to the left? What grown man rides a waterslide like that?

2) To Rob Gronkowski: Just curious, what are your preferred masking agents for the steroids you clearly use? (Since he is a meathead, this probing question may trip him up).

3) To Bill Belichick: According to your Wikipedia page you are the personification of all evil in the world... is that a lot of pressure to live up to? Follow up question, what's your preferred title: Lucifer, Satan, or Beelzebub?

4) To 'lil Wes Welker: What are your top 5 favorite bridges in the world...to live under?

5) To Chad Ochocinco: Are you sure you are still on the team? No, seriously, can we see some credentials?

Coach Coughlin contemplates murderizing another one of his players.

6) To Tom Coughlin: Your head tends to get extremely red during games...are you worried this may someday happen?

7) To Giants punter Steve Weatherford: Last year with the Jets you averaged 42 yards a punt. This year with the Giants you averaged 46 yards a punt...As a Jet fan I have to ask, what the hell is up with that, jerk?

8) To Eli Manning: What advice and pointers do you give to your less successful older brother? 

9) To Giants center Kevin Boothe: Are you often asked to "back that thang up"? 

10) To Brandon Jacobs: You tend to celebrate a lot of 1 and 2 and no-yard gains that you get. What would you do if you ever got a first down? Retire?

11) To Giants safety Kenny Phillips: I see you attended the University of Miami...was it tough to deal with the pay cut of playing in the NFL?

325 pounds? Not bloody likely.
12) To Giants WR Victor Cruz: The last Giants wide receiver that was a playoff and super bowl hero shot himself in the leg. What will you do to top that? Chop off an appendage?

13) To Patriots RB Danny Woodhead: Is it true you also star as the midget on Game of Thrones?  

14) To Patriots nose tackle Vince Wilfork: You are listed as 325 pounds...why do you fill this stadium with lies?

15) To Patriot RB Kevin Faulk: Wow, you are still in the league? What was it like playing with Red Grange?

Saturday, January 21, 2012

NFL Conference Championship Picks!

Ray Lewis does his imaginary bench press dance.
And then there were four. What a year it's been. So many memories. Most of mine revolve around Mark Sanchez throwing interceptions and fumbling, but some other stuff happened, I'm pretty sure of it. On to the picks:

Baltimore Ravens + 7.5 at New England
The Pats had the perfect matchup last week vs. the Broncos. They can't defend the pass, but passing wasn't exactly a strength for St. Timmy, and the result was an annihilation the likes of which not seen since the first Crusades (when the Turks were totally outmanned, outcoached and outplayed by the Christians). It will be tougher this week, as the Ravens can slow down the Pats a little bit, and Ray Rice is about 40 times better than Willis McGehee.

Just a few years ago the Ravens went into New England and trounced them in the playoffs. But that was B.G., Before Gronkowski. I don't want to say Gronkowski is on steroids, so I'll just think it and you can read my thoughts. The guy is a beast, but it's also amazing he's consistently wide open. Safeties actually seem afraid to to try and nail him over the middle. You can't really blame them, he's about 8 feet tall and runs like a locomotive.
Rumors of Gronkowski's steroid use first began when
I typed this caption. How did he not break his neck here?
Because of steroids, duh.
The key for the Ravens is Flacco. He can't be merely mediocre like usual, he has to be great. In that playoff game in '09, Flacco threw for all of 34 yards. That's not a misprint. Even Tebow laughs at that yardage total. If he throws for 34 yards on Sunday they'll lose by 40.

The Patriots just have too many weapons right now to be stopped on their home turf, and that really angers me to admit it. The effing Patriots are going to the effing Super Bowl again and every Jet fan in the world just wants to cry. Get ready to see that blockhead Teddy Bruschi extolling them on ESPN for the next 2 weeks. But, I do think the Ravens manage to cover, and that's all that matters to us gamblers. Right?
Patriots 33 Baltimore 27

Giants +2 at San Francisco
Words with Friends claimed
another victim: The Saints D.
Well, my "lock of the year" pick went slightly awry as those pesky Niners outlasted the Saints in a game for the ages. My bad. But, it took five turnovers for them to barely eek out the win, plus two kick return fumbles, which are like double turnovers. A really good team wins that game by 21 points. They would have been the first team in history to lose a playoff game after causing 5 turnovers. Alex Smith did step up big. I still don't know how no Saint could tackle him on his improbable bootleg TD run from about 30 yards out. My theory: they were all caught playing Word with Friends on their iPhones. It happens, and I hear it's really addicting.

One might think that maybe the 49ers won me over with that gritty win last week for several reasons: Justin Smith is an absolute Manimal. I think he was in a nightmare I had recently. Donte Whitner hits like a young David Fulcher. Vernon Davis is emerging, and leads all tight ends in tear shedding. Well, one would be wrong. If the Giant defensive line could get to Rodgers, they will get to Smith, and possibly make him wet himself. Yes, the 49ers did beat the Giants in the regular season, but that was a long time ago. Plus, the Giants were driving for the win that game, when a few ridiculous play calls cost them the game.

Jacobs again celebrates a miraculous
 1 yard gain on 3rd and 2.
The Giants won't be able to run the ball in this one. And by the way, memo to Brandon Jacobs: a 2 yard gain is not reason to celebrate like you just split the atom. Stop screaming and stop acting like a jack-ass. Everyone but you knows you are washed up. The Giants would be wise to give everyone of your carries to Ahmad Bradshaw...or to if they just spiked the ball they'd probably fair better.

I can't really recall a better receiving tandem in recent memory than Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz. There was Duper and Clayton, Rice and Taylor, Harrison and Wayne, Holt and Bruce, and of course, Toon and Walker (okay, a bit of a reach there). Nicks and Cruz are still young and could surpass all of them by the time they are done.

I've not been a believer in the San Francisco 49ers all year. They've proved me wrong several times. Still, I'm not changing now. Unlike Capt. Francesco Schettino, I'm going down with this ship: Giants 27 San Fran 24

Enjoy the games!

Last week's record: 3-1
Overall record: 110-79-9

In celebration of Van Halen's improbable forthcoming reunion album and their well-received recent concert, he's some vintage VH, and one of Ed's best solos:

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Let's Talk About Yahoo and Their Titillating Headlines

So Yahoo.com is my internet home page (your welcome, richy riches) and I'll be damned if they don't tempt me time and again with their incendiary headlines. Congrats, Yahoo editors, you headlining pimps know your game. Of course, it's all about hits and page views and Yahoo is awesome at choosing stories you just have to take a little gander at, even when you know the story will not come remotely close to living up to the headline. In fact, you will feel idiotic for clicking on the story. You will want those 8 minutes back (yes, I'm a slow reader, get off my back). You will feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick Lucy's football. And, like a filthy bowling ball thrown down the gutter, you will come back for more. Let's take a look at the stories Yahoo is currently peddling at this very moment in time and rate them on their click-worthiness.

Story #1: Neighbor Tattles on NFL Quarterback
Pre-click: Ooh, a good old-fashioned tattle story. Who would dare tattle and why? And what did the unnamed QB do? Did he murder someone? Did he forget to take out the trash? Is Big Ben on the prowl again? Has Tom Brady expanded his goat-trafficking ring? The possibilities are as endless as they are sordid! I MUST CLICK ON IT AND FIND OUT THE NAME OF THIS NEFARIOUS QB AND HIS BIRD-SINGING NEIGHBOR!

Post click: Yup, I feel stupid. Turns out Joe Flacco chose to ride a skateboard, and his neighbor phoned his team's front office to tell on him. First off, HOW DOES JOE FLACCO SLEEP AT NIGHT?? Choosing to skateboard and endanger lives like that. Secondly, and seriously, if I'm Joe Flacco and I have a dog, I'm making sure my dog goes on that neighbor's lawn every day for two straight years. And whoops, I forgot my scooper. Also, non-stop, late night parties 7 days a week. You broke the neighbor's code buddy, and now you'll pay.
Click worthiness: Though the story was idiotic, it had a mildly amusing finish that went down easy and cleansed the pallette. I regret nothing.

Story #2: Woman With Ship Captain Speaks
Pre-click: Ah yes, more fall-out from the Costa Concordia tragedy. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH. Now apparently a woman is speaking about the cowardly captain. Is she a witness? Was the captain as the say, "dropping anchor" or "full steam ahead in the engine room"? Was he "hoisting his main sail" (I love nautical double entendres) in a tawdry affair below decks while the ship sank? In the annals of maritime history, this is unprecendented! I must click....

Post-click: Ugh, what a letdown. The woman in question was not with the captain, she just had dined with him, and did nothing but support the world's worst captain in her statements. At least the headline didn't totally lie, she did speak. It just wasn't anything important.
Click worthiness: I feel wronged. Not like car-jacked wronged, but cut-off on the freeway wronged.

Story #3:  Best Vitamins to Take or Avoid
Pre-click: Hmm, on the surface this seems uninteresting. But I've been thinking about taking more vitamins lately. And I've also been thinking about avoiding vitamins. This article appears to comprehensively solve both issues. It's like they watch my life. I'd better check this out...

Post-click: Tedious, endless article. It was 11 pages long and I fell asleep twice. Also, I think they were hinting that pregnant women should drop acid...or folic acid, I forget. Either way, the article was reprehensible.
Click-worthiness: I feel like I just watched George Clooney in "The American".

Friday, January 13, 2012

NFL Playoff Picks!

"I'm going to Disney World!...Wait, this isn't the Super Bowl?"
The greatest NFL week of the year is here, the Divisional Playoffs. The untalented Wild Card riff-raff has been mercifully sent home (see ya, Bengals and Falcons), and we can now get down to biznatch. This is the best round of the playoffs because there's still four great games to take in over two days, and you don't have to deal with the excessive hype of the conference championships and Super Bowl. Regretfully, I didn't get my picks in last weekend as I was busy losing money and inhaling sidestream smoke in Las Vegas. I'd like to thank those chain-smoking blackjack players for taking 5 years off my life. No really, it's appreciated. To make up for missing out last week, I'm guaranteeing I don't lose more than 4 games the rest of the year! Take that to the bank!

They left her no choice...
paper or plastic... or death?
Also...just thought I'd add, did you all know "Haywire" is coming to theatres soon and kicking off the New Year with a "sexy, action high"? I don't know what that is, but the commercial is on constantly and I'm pretty sure I know the entire movie by now. Apparently, a cage fighter escapes from her cage and beats up on Bill Paxton and Michael Douglass. I'm told it's a "bare-knuckle, bone-crunching, non-stop blast!" by the writers of Hyphen Magazine. On to the picks!

New Orleans -3.5 at San Francisco

Smith's unorthodoxed and rather dainty
throwing style could be exposed this week.
 This line seems so easy my mouth is watering just looking at it. It's Drew Brees vs. Alex Smith. A certifiable lock!! Forget everything else and remember that. Forget the 49er defense, forget that the Saints are worse on the road and lost at Seattle last year (when the Saints running backs were all hurt btw) and remember....Drew Brees vs. Alex Smith. Brees is in a ridiculous zone right now. He can score 30 blindfolded. He could win with you, me and Dupree at wide receiver. The 49ers are the classic "great season, one and done team". There's one of them every year. Saints 31 49ers 20 (forget lock of the week...lock of the year!)

Houston +7.5 at Baltimore

Marvin Lewis contemplates challenging his own
Quite a performance by Bengals coach Marvin Lewis against the Texans. He made not one, but two pointless challenges within a matter of minutes. One challenge disputed one measley yard and it was still only 2nd down! Good gracious, that's idiotic. Not surprisingly, he lost both. I think it's time we take the challenge flag away from coaches, they cannot be trusted with them. It's like when I gave my 2 year old son nunchucks that one time...he just wasn't ready for it, so I quickly took them away like a good father should. The Texans can run the ball and stop the run, but so can the Ravens. Consequently, look for this to be the most boring and least watched of the four games. But if you like punts and no yard gains, this game is for you. One of the four home teams will lose this week, and the good bet is it will be either the Ravens or the 49ers (or both!). Irregardless, (which isn't a word, but regardless, I like to sound like the "experts") take the points. Ravens 17 Texans 13

Green Bay -7.5 vs. Giants
The Giants may be the one team that can stop the Packers from repeating. They can rush the passer, and score enough to keep up. The Packers are banged up, even with the off week. And sources tell me there's not one jar of Vicodin left in all Wisconsin, thanks to Favre's little "hobby". Random pet peeve of the week time: Everyone keeps doing Cam Newton's Super Man move when scoring a touchdown and it needs to stop. Literally every college football player did it during bowl season, and now pros are copying it too. Dwayne Wade even did it recently. Where has originality gone? I'd celebrate a touchdown by doing something simple, yet tasteful, like riding an imaginary pony back to the sideline. That's creativity. I think the Giants will cover, but the Saints-Packers conference championship is pre-ordained, let's face it. Green Bay 34 Giants 28

Broncos +13.5 at New England Goat Herders
"Maybe if I squint real hard, he'll seem like a good QB...nope."
And here it is, the game that had to be. The Chosen One vs. the Hair. Something has to give. Maybe Tebow can clip Brady's hair? He has some clipping experience. Tebow actually looked quite good last week. The Steelers dared him to beat them and he obliged. Thinking about either one of these teams/QBs winning this game makes me want to tase myself. I have to do what's necessary here... LET"S GO TIMMY! It's understandable people don't think Tebow doesn't have a chance here a few weeks after getting trounced by the Pats. But remember, last year a certain awful QB also got trounced by the Pats late in the year then went on to beat them in the playoffs. And yes, this is just an excuse to remember that game once again.
Patriots 37 Broncos 20

Enjoy the games!

Week 17 record: 8-4-1
Overall record: 107-78-9