NFL Conference Championship Picks!

Ray Lewis does his imaginary bench press dance.

And then there were four. What a year it's been. So many memories. Most of mine revolve around Mark Sanchez throwing interceptions and fumbling, but some other stuff happened, I'm pretty sure of it. On to the picks:

Baltimore Ravens + 7.5 at New England
The Pats had the perfect matchup last week vs. the Broncos. They can't defend the pass, but passing wasn't exactly a strength for St. Timmy, and the result was an annihilation the likes of which not seen since the first Crusades (when the Turks were totally outmanned, outcoached and outplayed by the Christians). It will be tougher this week, as the Ravens can slow down the Pats a little bit, and Ray Rice is about 40 times better than Willis McGehee.

Just a few years ago the Ravens went into New England and trounced them in the playoffs. But that was B.G., Before Gronkowski. I don't want to say Gronkowski is on steroids, so I'll just think it and you can read my thoughts. The guy is a beast, but it's also amazing he's consistently wide open. Safeties actually seem afraid to to try and nail him over the middle. You can't really blame them, he's about 8 feet tall and runs like a locomotive.

Rumors of Gronkowski's steroid use first began when
I typed this caption. How did he not break his neck here?
Because of steroids, duh.

The key for the Ravens is Flacco. He can't be merely mediocre like usual, he has to be great. In that playoff game in '09, Flacco threw for all of 34 yards. That's not a misprint. Even Tebow laughs at that yardage total. If he throws for 34 yards on Sunday they'll lose by 40.

The Patriots just have too many weapons right now to be stopped on their home turf, and that really angers me to admit it. The effing Patriots are going to the effing Super Bowl again and every Jet fan in the world just wants to cry. Get ready to see that blockhead Teddy Bruschi extolling them on ESPN for the next 2 weeks. But, I do think the Ravens manage to cover, and that's all that matters to us gamblers. Right?
Patriots 33 Baltimore 27

Giants +2 at San Francisco

Words with Friends claimed
another victim: The Saints D.

Well, my "lock of the year" pick went slightly awry as those pesky Niners outlasted the Saints in a game for the ages. My bad. But, it took five turnovers for them to barely eek out the win, plus two kick return fumbles, which are like double turnovers. A really good team wins that game by 21 points. They would have been the first team in history to lose a playoff game after causing 5 turnovers. Alex Smith did step up big. I still don't know how no Saint could tackle him on his improbable bootleg TD run from about 30 yards out. My theory: they were all caught playing Word with Friends on their iPhones. It happens, and I hear it's really addicting.

One might think that maybe the 49ers won me over with that gritty win last week for several reasons: Justin Smith is an absolute Manimal. I think he was in a nightmare I had recently. Donte Whitner hits like a young David Fulcher. Vernon Davis is emerging, and leads all tight ends in tear shedding. Well, one would be wrong. If the Giant defensive line could get to Rodgers, they will get to Smith, and possibly make him wet himself. Yes, the 49ers did beat the Giants in the regular season, but that was a long time ago. Plus, the Giants were driving for the win that game, when a few ridiculous play calls cost them the game.

Jacobs again celebrates a miraculous
 1 yard gain on 3rd and 2.

The Giants won't be able to run the ball in this one. And by the way, memo to Brandon Jacobs: a 2 yard gain is not reason to celebrate like you just split the atom. Stop screaming and stop acting like a jack-ass. Everyone but you knows you are washed up. The Giants would be wise to give everyone of your carries to Ahmad Bradshaw...or to if they just spiked the ball they'd probably fair better.

I can't really recall a better receiving tandem in recent memory than Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz. There was Duper and Clayton, Rice and Taylor, Harrison and Wayne, Holt and Bruce, and of course, Toon and Walker (okay, a bit of a reach there). Nicks and Cruz are still young and could surpass all of them by the time they are done.

I've not been a believer in the San Francisco 49ers all year. They've proved me wrong several times. Still, I'm not changing now. Unlike Capt. Francesco Schettino, I'm going down with this ship: Giants 27 San Fran 24

Enjoy the games!

Last week's record: 3-1
Overall record: 110-79-9

In celebration of Van Halen's improbable forthcoming reunion album and their well-received recent concert, he's some vintage VH, and one of Ed's best solos: