Thursday, January 19, 2012

Let's Talk About Yahoo and Their Titillating Headlines

So is my internet home page (your welcome, richy riches) and I'll be damned if they don't tempt me time and again with their incendiary headlines. Congrats, Yahoo editors, you headlining pimps know your game. Of course, it's all about hits and page views and Yahoo is awesome at choosing stories you just have to take a little gander at, even when you know the story will not come remotely close to living up to the headline. In fact, you will feel idiotic for clicking on the story. You will want those 8 minutes back (yes, I'm a slow reader, get off my back). You will feel like Charlie Brown trying to kick Lucy's football. And, like a filthy bowling ball thrown down the gutter, you will come back for more. Let's take a look at the stories Yahoo is currently peddling at this very moment in time and rate them on their click-worthiness.

Story #1: Neighbor Tattles on NFL Quarterback
Pre-click: Ooh, a good old-fashioned tattle story. Who would dare tattle and why? And what did the unnamed QB do? Did he murder someone? Did he forget to take out the trash? Is Big Ben on the prowl again? Has Tom Brady expanded his goat-trafficking ring? The possibilities are as endless as they are sordid! I MUST CLICK ON IT AND FIND OUT THE NAME OF THIS NEFARIOUS QB AND HIS BIRD-SINGING NEIGHBOR!

Post click: Yup, I feel stupid. Turns out Joe Flacco chose to ride a skateboard, and his neighbor phoned his team's front office to tell on him. First off, HOW DOES JOE FLACCO SLEEP AT NIGHT?? Choosing to skateboard and endanger lives like that. Secondly, and seriously, if I'm Joe Flacco and I have a dog, I'm making sure my dog goes on that neighbor's lawn every day for two straight years. And whoops, I forgot my scooper. Also, non-stop, late night parties 7 days a week. You broke the neighbor's code buddy, and now you'll pay.
Click worthiness: Though the story was idiotic, it had a mildly amusing finish that went down easy and cleansed the pallette. I regret nothing.

Story #2: Woman With Ship Captain Speaks
Pre-click: Ah yes, more fall-out from the Costa Concordia tragedy. I CAN'T GET ENOUGH. Now apparently a woman is speaking about the cowardly captain. Is she a witness? Was the captain as the say, "dropping anchor" or "full steam ahead in the engine room"? Was he "hoisting his main sail" (I love nautical double entendres) in a tawdry affair below decks while the ship sank? In the annals of maritime history, this is unprecendented! I must click....

Post-click: Ugh, what a letdown. The woman in question was not with the captain, she just had dined with him, and did nothing but support the world's worst captain in her statements. At least the headline didn't totally lie, she did speak. It just wasn't anything important.
Click worthiness: I feel wronged. Not like car-jacked wronged, but cut-off on the freeway wronged.

Story #3:  Best Vitamins to Take or Avoid
Pre-click: Hmm, on the surface this seems uninteresting. But I've been thinking about taking more vitamins lately. And I've also been thinking about avoiding vitamins. This article appears to comprehensively solve both issues. It's like they watch my life. I'd better check this out...

Post-click: Tedious, endless article. It was 11 pages long and I fell asleep twice. Also, I think they were hinting that pregnant women should drop acid...or folic acid, I forget. Either way, the article was reprehensible.
Click-worthiness: I feel like I just watched George Clooney in "The American".

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