Thursday, November 7, 2013

NFL Week 10 Picks...With Horatio Caine

This week we are fortunate to have fictional character Horatio Caine from CSI Miami fame with us. Cain does two things well, solve crime and pick games. And he's all out of crimes. It'll be short and to the point and it is important to imagine him looking off into the distance and then putting his sunglasses on at the end of each pick. Take it away, Horatio...

Eagles +1 at Green Bay
"As I look at this game I see one big problem. Green Bayyyyyy....doesn't have their quarterback. And they're gonna need one." YEAHHHH   Eagles 27 Packers 23

Bills +3 at Steelers
"The Steelers were smoked by New England last week...and where there's smoke...there's fire." YEAHHH
Bills 26 Steelers 24

Raiders +7.5 at Giants
"The verdict may be in on these teams. But the out." YEAHHH
Giants 30 Raiders 20

Jaguars +12 at Tennessee 
Horatio: "How many players are on the Jaguars, Frank?
Detective Frank: "45. Why?"
Horatio: "Because.... that's exactly how many body bags we're going to need here." YEAHHH
Titans 23 Jags 16

Rams +9.5 at the Colts 
If you can't pass the ball in the National Football're as good as dead. And these Rams...are 6 feet under." YEAHHH
Colts 31 Rams 17

Houston +2.5 at Arizona
This match-up may look like a train wreck on paper...but this was no accident. The NFL schedule makers... have struck again." YEAHHH
Cards 17 Texans 14

Redskins -2.5 at Minnesota
"Both teams want to win what we have established motive." YEAHHH
Skins 28 Vikings 27

Bengals -1.5 at Ravens 
"It looks like the Ravens have been left for dead...or maybe...they are just really, really tired." YEAHHH
Bengals 20 Ravens 10

Broncos -7 at San Diego
"If throwing touchdowns is a crime, and I'm pretty sure it is, Peyton Manning just became public enemy #1." YEAHHH
Broncos 34 Chargers 31

Cowboys +7 at New Orleans
"Well, well, what do we have here? It's time for some interrogations, because these Saints...are no choir boys." YEAHHH
Saints 38 Cowboys 35

Seahawks -6 at Atlanta 
"Seattle may be the suicide capital of the country...but this will be a case of the first degree. No wait...second degree." YEAHHH
Seahawks 24 Falcons 20

Dolphins -3 at Tampa Bay
"There's only one city in Florida that matters...and it doesn't rhyme with Bampa Tay." YEAHHH
Dolphins 16 Tampa 9

Lions pick'em at Bears
"Jay Cutler has gone all stabby stab stab on the Bears' dreams  for years...and it ends now." YEAHHH
Lions 34 Bears 28

Panthers +6.5 at San Fran 
"Carolina is the hottest team in the league and will give the Niners all they can handle...What? I can do real analysis, too. When San Fran goes read option, Carolina will respond by blitzing the A and B gaps..." YEAHHH
49ers 27 Panthers 24

Friday, November 1, 2013

Week 9 NFL Picks & Jets' Mid-Season Award Winners

Before the NFL picks, let's hand out some awards for the Jets' best and worst performances over the first half of the season. Not surprisingly for a 4-4 team, there are an equal number of each. Drum roll please... 
"Ouch! My shoulder is now
The Joe Willy Namath Award for Most Valuable Player: Muhammad Wilkerson
The 3rd year lineman has been phenomenal and leads the defense with 7 sacks. Attempting to block him one-on-one is virtually impossible. He treats offensive linemen as if they are swinging doors. When the season is over, he'll be on his way to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl. Honorable mention: Nick Folk

The Bubby Brister Award for Least Valuable Player: Santonio Holmes 
Holmes' actual mailing address is Jets' Disabled List. After all, it's where he lives. The Jets were counting on him to finally live up to his big contract, but the mercurial wideout apparently heals slower than an octogenerian with osteoporosis. Take your time Santonio, don't push it.  Put your feet up and rest awhile and let the checks roll in. That's sound advice from Holmes' agent. Honorable mention: Entire offensive line. 
The Freeman McNeil Award for Most Underrated Perfomance: Antonio Allen
For a safety that barely won the job out of the preseason, Allen has been a welcome addition to the secondary. He's made plays to stop the run at the line of scrimmage and has been asked to cover tough tight ends like Rob Gronkowski one-on-one and held his own. And, for the record, people do really forget how good and how consistent Freeman McNeil was. Look at these numbers. 
The Antonio Cromartie Award for Most Overrated Performance: Antonio Cromartie 
What a shocker. Every year, Cromartie receives lots of credit for being an elite cover corner from NFL experts, announcers and coaches. But, is it really deserved? He flirts with a pass interference call every time the ball is thrown his way. Last week in Cincinnati he was burned repeatedly and not for the first time. When he trails a receiver by several steps and a quarterback luckily overthrows that receiver (looking at you, Tom Brady), he acts like he did something special. He also has zero interceptions on the year. In other words, it's been a vintage Cromartie season.

The Vidal Sassoon Award for Best Hair on the Sideline: Mark Sanchez 
"They can take my job, but
the'll never take this hair." 
This one is self-explanatory. That hair could start a war one day. Or end one.  
The Mark Gastineau Award for Player Most Likely to Receive a Horrible, Ill-timed Penalty: Willie Colon 
Colon has received seven penalties in only eight games, which places him 4th overall in the NFL. If Colon continues to get playing time, it's a good bet he'll take the lead very soon. It's good to have goals, though. Honorable mention: Kyle Wilson. 
The Curtis Martin Award for Best Running Back: N/A 
We are still accepting applications for this award. No current Jet running back averages more than 4 yards per carry. 
The Blair Thomas Award for Most Disappointing Running Back: It's a four-way tie right now, let's check back later. 
The James Earl Jones Award for the Guy We All Thought Was Dead But Somehow Isn't: David Harris
I really thought James Earl Jones was dead. Was I the only one? But, there he is in those Sprint commercials. Is it a hologram? If he is alive, good for him. Similarly, after looking like a Walking Dead extra last year, David Harris leads the team in tackles and tackles for loss. It's been a big bounce back year for the 7th year linebacker. 
Roger Vick was a draft steal...
when compared with Vernon Gholston.
The Johnny "Lam" Jones/Roger Vick/Vernon Gholston Award for Biggest Possible Draft Bust: Stephen Hill 
The Jets have had some big time busts, so I couldn't give this category one name. It's year two and the improvement has been minimal from Hill. Here are a few players that were still on the board when the Jets drafted Hill in the second round in 2012: Alshon Jeffery, Lavonte David, Russell Wilson, Rueben Randle, T.Y. Hilton, LaMichael James, Marvin "4 TD" Jones and Andre Ellington. Would the Jets take a straight up trade of any of those players for Hill today? Quicker than you can say "abso-tively." Honorable mention: Dee Milliner. 
The Ray Finkle Award for Most Disturbing Performance: Geno Smith
Just like Finkle was Einhorn and Einhorn was Finkle, Geno Smith is a good quarterback and he is also a terrible quarterback. This is what you get with rookies. Opposing cornerbacks will be sending him some nice gift baskets for all those generous pick-sixes he throws. 
Play like you mean it, but
coach like you're on meth.
The Rich Kotite Award for Making the Most People Say,  "Are You Serious?": Rex Ryan 
Rex Ryan could win this award for using his coach's challenges like he's addicted to the high of using them, or for his poor clock management. But, instead he narrowly beat himself out with his inexplicable decision to kick a field goal in the third quarter while down 35 to 6 to the Bengals last week. That one took the cake. They really needed to cut the deficit to 26 points? Are you serious? Was he trying to cover a 27-point spread that only he knew about? Who else wants to hear his acceptance speech on this one? 
The Pat Leahy Award for Best Kicker: Nick Folk 
Sure, this is a narrow category, but Folk has earned this with a perfect season so far. Three things you can count on in this world are death, taxes and Nick Folk knocking it through the uprights after the Jets have failed to execute in the red zone. 

Week 9 Picks: 
Falcons +8 over Falcons
Cowboys -10.5 over Vikings
Saints -6.5 over Jets
Bills +3.5 over Chiefs
Rams +3 over Titans
Redskins +1,5 over Chargers
Eagles +3 over Raiders
Seahawks -16 over Bucs
Steelers +7 over Patriots
Colts -3 over Texans
Bears +11 over Green Bay
Browns +3 over Ravens

Last week's picks: 7-6 

Friday, October 25, 2013

Week 8 NFL Picks: Return of the Deep Dish 2: A Dish Too Deep

"Rejoice, for the Deep Dish has returned!"

"So, at last we meet, for the first time, for the last time." 

Welcome to the return of THE DEEP DISH! Oh how you've missed me, and oh how I've been missed by you. You may want to ask where the first 7 weeks of NFL picks are. Tread lightly, my friend. Actually, it's a bit rude of you to ask that and I'll thank you to stay out of my affairs! Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and blame it all on the government shutdown (shakes fist angrily!). That's right, your Congress deprived you of the Deep Dish for three and one-half fortnights. Write your representative today! Preferably via the ye old postal service, because they need the business.

But, what a season it's been so far, hasn't it? I find the best way to sum up 7 weeks of football is through the use of one extremely long run-on once sentence, so here we go: Literally 80 percent of the league is injured (don't fact check this), Tom Brady sucks now and it's great fun for all (please do fact check this), the 49ers and Seahawks are still excellent, but not unbeatable, Peyton Manning's neck-roids are working amazingly well, the Giants are terrible, the Jaguars are historically terrible, Geno Smith is at the very least better than Mark Sanchez, the Cowboys are actually not that bad, the Chiefs cannot be this good, Greg Schiano is hilariously incompetent, the Browns are now starting Jason Campbell (what year is this?), poor Matt Schaub is so washed up that fans are sitting on his lawn with signs, Matt Barkley actually played in an NFL game and it went as you would expect and the Raiders remain great comic relief. All caught up? Good, let's get to the picks.

Panthers -7 at Bucs (written yesterday, I totally swear) 
Word has it that the NFL will issue an apology prior to kickoff for the mere existence of this game. As well they should. Here are 5 things you can watch tonight that will be better than this game: 1) Ron Burgundy Durango commercials on continuous loop 2) Gatti-Ward Legendary Nights Special on HBO 3) Grey's Anatomy (just kidding, that's much worse) 4) Reign (not sure what this is, I'm just reading random shows off my channel guide now) 5) Bride of Chucky on AMC. Notice I left off the World Series game because both the Red Sox and Cards are just unbearable. Ooooh, you all grew beards, how creative, what a true TEAM! You know what would be better than growing beards? Don't shower for like a month straight and go on a peyote diet. Now that's TEAMWORK. See how cute the press thinks you are then. Panthers 20 Bucs 9

49ers -16.5 at Jacksonville
In a fit of rage, Jim Harbaugh will challenge his own challenge flag this week, causing a cataclysmic,
"I told you to poke eye holes.
Now, you just look ridiculous."
paradoxical event that will tear a gaping hole in the space-time continuum, which changes all life as we know it. But the Jags still won't cover. Niners 37 Jags 7

Chiefs -7 vs. Cleveland
In his 2nd season, the youthful 41-year-old Brandon Weeden's career appears over. It feels like just yesterday he was drafted, but it was actually 1991. The Browns were still smart to draft him though. Age is something that can't be taught. Now it's Jason Campbell's time to shine. Campbell is living proof that one undefeated season in college can lead to years of occasional NFL employment. There's hope Tebow, there's hope.
Chiefs 24 Browns 13

Growing bored with success,
Drew Brees will complete a pass
to 4 lucky fans this week.
Saints -11.5 vs. Buffalo 
The Bills have been sneaky good the last couple of weeks. Their skullduggery shan't continue though. This week, Drew Brees will complete a pass to a record 48 different receivers to fully achieve his lifelong goal to torment fantasy owners everywhere. Saints 38 Bills 26

Jets +6 at Cincinnati 
I was really hoping the Jets would be awful this year so I could just ignore them. It appeared that would happen. No such luck. Now, they are playing just well enough, showing just enough promise in order to fill the fan base up with hope and bring us all back in. Make us believe again. Then around week 17, the sledgehammer falls. They are diabolical. Bengals 27 Jets 20.

Pittsburgh -3 at Oakland 
The Steelers will win this game, sparking a lot of "The Steelers are Back!" stories. Anyone who reads those stories will immediately regret it. Steelers 16 Raiders 12

Cowboys +3 at Detroit 
Over the years, Tony Romo has won me over. The narrative that he is a choke artist is foolish. Does he screw up in the clutch? Sometimes, yes. But, he also wins. He's not Peyton Manning or Drew Brees, and few are...actually only 2 are. This Cowboys team is flying under the radar, which is almost impossible for a team that plays inside a space ship with an android as an owner. Dallas 34 Lions 31

Halftime! Let's dance! Say what you will about Kings of Leon, and "Sex on Fire" is maybe the worst song ever, but this song is good:

Dolphins +7 at Patriots
Geno Smith is completing a higher percentage of passes than Tom Brady. He also has a better yards per.
"Come back, Wes. I need you!"
attempt. Let that sink in. It's pretty funny when Pats fans, players and coaches whined over last week's correctly called penalty. A franchise that benefited from the Tuck rule is never allowed to complain about anything until at least the year 2073. Miami 23 Patriots 20

Broncos -13 vs. Washington
The NFL's best passing offense against it's worst passing defense. This should be fun. But, RG3 just put up 45 points against a good Chicago defense. Here are some ideas to replace the offensive Redskins name, should they desire:
Washington Bullets (can't believe no one's EVER thought of this)
Washington Willy Nillies
Washington Cherokees
Washington Ham & Cheese Sandwiches (mmm)
Washington Monuments (sounds so powerful!)
Washington Tropics
Washington Demon Districters
Washington Whosiwhatsits
Denver 38 Skins 28

Atlanta +2 at Arizona
I mean really, who cares? Matty Ice needs a new nickname, perhaps Matty Zima. He's sullying the name of a classy beer like Natty Ice. Who else misses Julio Jones? He's left a void in us all.
Falcons 27 Cards 24

"You there..I'm just going to toss it
up haphazardly, don't intercept me!"
Giants +5 at Philly 
For the 90th time, it's the return of Mike Vick. And this time, it's not personal at all. Would it kill Tom Coughlin to punch one of his players? We all know he wants to do it. At this point, it would be cathartic. Philly 31 Giants 30

Packers -9.5 at Minnesota 
During this game, clueless Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier will screw up at a crucial moment when he yells at his quarterback "Omaha, Omaha, wombat, 44!" because he heard Peyton Manning yell that on tv one time and it seemed to work for him. Packers 31 Vikings 17

Seahawks -11.5 at St. Louis 
Pete Carroll showing off the arm
that forced him into his career as
Rumor has it, Pete Carroll will dress like a cheerleader for this game. Not for Halloween, it's just a life-long dream of his. No one cheers like Pete. Sam "Glass" Bradford is hurt again, but St. Louis has been working on a dynamic new offense where they snap the ball and run really fast in the wrong direction. It could present problems for the Seahawk D. Seattle 26 St. Louis 10

Friday, February 1, 2013

Super Bowl Prop Bets: Will Ray Lewis Cry? Hell Yes, He Will

The big game is here. Before breaking it down, let us all bask for a moment in the warm glow that is a Patriot-less Super Bowl. They are rare occurrences not to be taken for granted. There will be no Brady on Sunday, no Bellichick, no Welker, no Robert Kraft, no Gronkowski bro-ing it up in the sky-box. And that's a GREAT THING.

Yet, we still must suffer through one more day of Ray Lewis antics. It's no easy road for us, the brave viewer who must witness his shenanigans. You can bet he will leave all the antics he has left on that field, for he is a warrior of drama.

We also must deal with 49er fans. Not to generalize, but here's a quick rundown of every 49er fan in existence: they are unbearable bandwagon fans that couldn't name 3 players on the team two weeks ago. They will tell you they knew all along Colin Kaepernick should start over Alex Smith, and they also can't say what college he even atttended. As they fiddle with the chains on their skinny jeans, they will tell you Jim Harbaugh is a genius and that the Giants are going to win the World Series again next year. If they utter the phrase "Fear the Beard," or dare flex their bicep like Kaepernick, you have my permission to dump a five layer dip on their heads.

Will Jim Harbaugh make a referee cry? Odds: 1-1.
Prop Bets Galore!
Hey, did you know you can bet on virtually anything to do with Sunday's game? In fact, I've already made a wager on how many wagers you will make. Let's step into my betting chamber and explore the many rich delights that await us!

Coin Flip: Heads -105 vs. Tails -105
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. TAILS NEVER FAILS*.

*may fail 50% of time

Over/Under on number of times "Harbaugh" will be said: 21.5
Easiest bet on the board. They'll hit the over on this mid-way through the first quarter when Joe Buck says "Flacco drops back to pass....oh God I can't resist, Harbaugh, Harbaugh, so much toughness, so many Harbaughhhhhs!"

Over/Under on length of post-game hug between Harbaugh bros: 7.5 seconds
Anything over 3 seconds becomes awkward very quickly. Hug for more than 5 seconds and you're essentially saying, "let's take this hug back to my locker room and see where it leads."

Interesting fact: Ray Lewis's pregame dance routine counts
as 4 made tackles.
Over/under on tackles for Ray Lewis: 11.5
If Ray Lewis is in on the field, he gets credit for tackles. If another Ravens player clearly makes the tackle by himself, Lewis gets credit for a half tackle because his leadership allowed said player to make that tackle. If Lewis is not on the field, he still gets credit, because he totally would have tackled that guy. Over.
Over/Under on how long it takes Alicia Keys to sing National Anthem 2 minutes, 15 seconds.
Another shockingly easy over bet. At the 2 minute mark, Alicia will still be singing about the dawn's early light.

Will Alicia Keys add one word to the National Anthem?
Now this is a fun one. You never know, Keys could sing "and the bombs bursting in the air..jabronis..!" This would be an easier bet if Michael Jackson were singing, because you know he'd throw in a "Jam-on!" toward the end. Likewise, Bruce Springsteen would slip in a "mister" or a "sister" or a "darlin'".  Maybe stay away from this one.

Will Randy Moss say something stupid in postgame
press conference. Odds 5/4.
Player Over/Unders:
Receiving Yards by Torrey Smith: 61.5
Smith is a big play guy, take the over.

Rushing Yards by Ray Rice: 65.5
I like Rice, but his backup Bernard Pierce has actually looked better than him in the postseason. Take the under here.

Total receptions by Randy Moss: 2.5
Moss has caught more than 2 passes in only 5 out of his last 18 games. Under.

Total receptions by Anquan Boldin: 4.5
Boldin is a crafty vet, and he excels in catching poorly thrown balls thanks to his background with the Arizona Cardinals. Over.

Total rushing yards by LaMichael James: 25.5
James is half man/half scooter, and he will make a big play at some point. Over

Was Tebow acquired by Baltimore
this week? No one is saying.
Who will score the first touchdown?:
On a bet like this, it's fun to take a longshot. That's why I've taken Tim Tebow at 100,000 to one odds. It's just good business. If you want to play it "smart" like a wuss, then go with Dennis Pitta at 12 to 1 or Kaepernick at 8 to 1.

The game: Niners -3.5 over Baltimore
I almost forgot, we can even bet on the actual game. Yeah, not as fun. The Ravens seem to be the popular pick as this line opened at -5. Both teams should be able to move the ball just enough on each other's defense. The Niners don't want to get into a field goal contest, since their kicker has a case of the shanks. Also, is Kaepernick really ready for this stage? The only QB to win a Super Bowl with so few starts in NFL history is Jeff Hostetler. And that was thanks to a missed fg by Scott Norwood. I like the Ravens in a squeaker. I also strongly advise against watching the post-game interview of Ray Lewis, unless you're the kind of person that likes Nicholas Sparks novels.  Baltimore 24 49ers 23.

If you've been following my playoff picks this year that means you should put everything you have on the 49ers. Enjoy the game!    

Friday, January 18, 2013

The Official NFL Conference Championships Drinking Game

Last year we introduced the official Super Bowl drinking game, and now it's time to unveil the Conference Championships Drinking Game. Totally different rules and twice the drinking! Fun for the whole family! (Stomach pump sold seperately.)

Update: Actually, after just reviewing the rules below and consulting my attorney, I don't recommend anyone play this game ever. Even Winston Churchill would pass out playing this game, and he downed a decanter of bourbon with a Guinness chaser before eating a vodka-oatmeal breakfast every day. And that's true, I saw it on the BBC channel. I do my fact-checking here at the Deep Dish, we're not having a Manti Te'o situation, not on my watch.

Without further adieu, as Richard Dawson says in The Running Man, "Let's Play the Feud!"

"Not the elbow, bro, no bro, no, bro-uch!"
Patriots -9 vs. Ravens

Drink 1 drink when:
  • Ray Lewis dances
  • Rob Gronkowski's elbow is mentioned
  • Tom Brady is mentioned in the same sentence with the word "precision" and "masterful" or "questionable wardrobe" and "lady-like" 
  • Ray Lewis prays to the Lord
  • Bill Bellichick frowns or appears to mutters something under his breath
  • Ray Lewis misses a tackle 
  • Joe Flacco overthrows a receiver and then directs the receiver to run faster

Disdain for headsets runs in the family.
Drink 2 drinks when: 
  • An announcer praises Ray Lewis' leadership/and or character
  • When the Patriots many "weapons" are discussed
  • When the possibility of a "Harbaugh Bowl" is brought up
  • A Masters preview is showed and the words "A tradition unlike any other" are mentioned
  • Tom Brady complains about being touched by a defender 
  • Wes Welker dives to the ground to avoid getting hit after a catch
Down your drink when: 
  • Ray Rice does something silly like convert a 4th and 19. You'll know when to do it. 
  • Either QB throws a pick and the announcers promptly blame the receiver 
  • A pass interference call is reversed because the pass was uncatchable (this never happens, btw) 
  • Bill Bellichick smiles 
  • Brady dons one of those ski caps with the puffy ball on top
  • A Ravens receiver drops the game-winning catch
  • You find something at all redeeming or likable about the Patriots 

Prediction: Patriots 34 Ravens 21

Atlanta +4 vs. San Francisco 

Take 1 drink when:
  • Someone mentions doing the "dirty bird" or Jamaal Anderson
  • Any old clip of MC Hammer or Deion Sanders is shown 
  • Whenever the camera shows Jim Harbaugh screaming (warning: this could be dangerous) 
  • Matt Ryan's impressive home record or unimpressive playoff record is mentioned

"Can I play the Packers every week?"
Take 2 drinks when:
  • Colin Kaepernick runs for a 70+ yard touchdown while momentarily taking flight 
  • Fox shows a promo for that new Kevin Bacon show The Following
  • Troy Aikman says the phrase "You're right, Joe..."
  • Eugene Robinson's Super Bowl XXXIII weekend is mentioned (the XXX is fitting)
  • Anyone mentions Brett Favre was once drafted by the Falcons
Down your drink when:
  • Harbaugh throws a challenge flag at a referee's head
  • Whenever Joe Buck says the name "Babineaux!"
  • If a referee utters the phrase "unabated to the quarterback"
  • Everytime the camera pans to Alex Smith looking sad
  • Anyone says "Tebow!"
Prediction: Falcons 23 49ers 20

Enjoy the games!

Friday, January 11, 2013

NFL Divisional Round Picks!

Worst. Wildcard. Round. Ever. You know it's bad when the highlight of the weekend is watching Mike Shanahan attempt to turn his QB's knee into Hamburger Helper. However, there are four outstanding games this weekend, so no time to dilly or even dally. A Manning-Brady showdown looms, so Lord help us all.

Also, as I am wont to do, each game breakdown will be accompanied by a limerick:

Both of these guys need to improve their game-face.
Denver -9.5 over Baltimore
What a snoozefest between the Colts and Ravens last week. It was visual Ambien. The Broncos went into Baltimore a few weeks ago and basically tap-danced on the Ravens' heads. Now they get them at their own stadium. But, that was while Ray Lewis was out and before he announced his retirement, which begat his tearfell farewell tour that has inspired a nation to dance like idiots. EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

What else can be said about Peyton Manning? He does funny commercials, was a surprisingly good SNL host, and is the first QB to play with a replacement neck. The Ravens simply don't have enough fire power to keep up with Denver, and this feels like another blow out.

Ol' Ray Ray gets to play another week
So annoying, of phonyness he does reek
He will do his dance
And then get de-pantsed
By Mr. Manning, that neckless freak

Broncos 31 Ravens 13

"Here's the run towards the bench,
then sit there for about 3 hours."
Green Bay +3 over San Francisco
This game is very similar to last year's playoff game between the Saints and 49ers - a high scoring, pass-heavy team meets the best defense in the NFL. The Saints lost that game largely due to two kick return fumbles, and Alex Smith playing the first good game of his career. This Packer team has a much better defense and more weapons at WR. Hasn't San Francisco won enough lately? How much happiness do these hipster doofuses deserve? No more, I say.

Will the Niners be able to win?
I wouldn't bet it on Harbaugh's chin
Rodgers is gettin hot
Receivers? They have a lot
This'll be over before it begins

That was dumb, let's try another one:

There was a QB named Kaepernick
He could throw and boy was he quick
But the Pack can sure score
It'll be over before
You can say "discount double-chick"

Close enough.
Green Bay 27 Niners 20

Atlanta -2 over Seattle
Here is the MRI of RG3's knee
after Sunday's game.
If the Falcons putz around and try to win this game on the ground with Michael Turner, the Seahawks will beat them. If they open it up and keep throwing to Julio Jones, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez, they should win. If Matt Ryan loses this game, he may as well pack his bags and change his last name to Romo. No pressure.

The Seahawks should say "thanks" to Shanahan
Hey, leave in your QB, what a great plan
It's just a little limp
He's not yet a gimp
Who cares if he never plays again?

Falcons 31 Seahawks 27

"Forget about Brady, ladies, and take a gander
at me, the Schaub-inator."
Houston +9.5 over New England
It's been 7 years since Brady and the evil, hooded, cheating, homewrecking coach have won a Super Bowl. I have no follow-up point to that, but I enjoy saying it. It must be tough being Wes Welker. He was once the "little scrappy guy that could," and of course, he bravely broke the NFL's troll barrier. But, then along comes Danny Woodhead, a shorter, scrappier troll. There's got to be some resentment there.

The Pats did give the Texans a beating a few weeks back, but expect a closer game this time around. Just look at Matty Schaub above. Is that not the face of confidence?

There once was a mean coach named Bill
It was said he smelled like a dunghill
He's a devilish rake
And a slimy snake
Fitting, because he's pure evil

Pats 34 Texans 30

Enjoy the games!

Last week: 2-2
Overall record: 92-87-3

Friday, January 4, 2013

NFL Wild Card Picks!

"Karate here...not here, Daniel-son!"

Is there a more depressing moment than throwing out your Christmas tree? It's so sad, like walking the Green Mile. "You've brought us great joy sweet tree, but you see... we don't need you anymore, and you're shedding and hogging up space, SO EAT SOME CURB!" It's another reason to dislike the month of January. The holidays are over, and it's back to the old grind and short winter days. But, the next three weekends also provide what Don King likes to call the "splendiforous resplenditude of NFL fabulousity."

Some rules to remember for the Wild Card round: at least one road team will win, at least one home will win in a blow-out and one team that everyone loves will come out and stink. On to the picks...

The Ravens need a big game
from Flacco this week.
Indy +6.5 over Baltimore 
So Ray Lewis is retiring? I don't buy it, this guy will play til he's 50 and will retire and un-retire 8 more times. Like TNT, he knows drama. Lewis hasn't really been good in four years, but he does lead the league in a stat called A.T. (almost tackles). No one is better at the almost tackle than ol' Ray. Troy Polamalu is second. The entire Jets team is tied for third. Anyway, prepare for roughly 1,000 close ups of Lewis screaming at his teammates and most likely openly weeping after Baltimore wins this game. In other words, just like every Ravens game for the last 17 years. Hooray for us all.

Part of me thinks the Colts can win this game because Andrew Luck is already better than Joe Flacco. However, he's got a long way to go to match his eyebrow prowess, or eyebrowess as I call it. I'm taking the points, but I think Baltimore advances by an eyelas- I mean eyebrow hair. T.Y. Hilton will score a TD in this game or his name isn't T.Y. Hilton.
Ravens 23 Indy 20

Green Bay -7.5 over Minnesota 

Betting against this man is unwise.
Let's face it, this is really A.P. vs. Rodgers. They may as well clear everyone off the field and just let these guys go one-on-one. I'm not sure how that would work in football. Peterson would first run over Rodgers, then Rodgers would get up and throw a football as far as he could to no one. Riveting television. It's a good thing I'm not allowed to make up the rules.

I love Peterson, and he is the MVP hands-down, but you can't take Christian Ponder on the road and I mean that literally. He gets home-sick and calls his mommy and insists on taking his blanky with him everywhere. It's sorta cute. Plus, the Packers have all four of their starting receivers back, and they seem to have found a real-life running back in Dujuan Harris. And let's not forget about that frozen tundra. That's worth a touchdown against the spread in January.
Green Bay 34 Minnesota 20

Houston -4.5 over Cincy 
Ahh, here's the one game in four that's not really must-see TV and it's tucked away nicely on Saturday afternoon, like it's saying, "don't look at me, nothing to see here!"

Marvin Lewis, instilling confindence.
Houston's been stumbling down the stretch, while Cincy's been surging behind a defense that has quietly been one of the best in the league. J.J. Watt, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster are too damn good to lose this game. Also, betting on Marvin Lewis in a big game is just not a good idea. Even he can't believe he's still coaching the Bengals.
Texans 27 Bengals 13

Washington +3 over Seattle
Who will be the next Mark Sanchez? Dare to dream, fellas.
RG3 vs. lil' Russell Wilson is easily the best game of the weekend. Wilson's 100 QB rating would be a rookie record, if not for Griffin, who's at 102.4. Interestingly, the last rookie to win two playoff games in a season is Mark Sanchez. Just thought I'd mention that for no reason. Sanchez' NFL career is over, but his Saskatchewan Roughriders career is just getting started! Seattle looks like an unstoppable train and everyone loves them as a Super Bowl dark horse, but they struggled to beat a crappy Rams team at home last week. Wilson was also sacked 6 times. Sometimes teams peak too soon.

Seattle's weakness is their O-line and Washington will blitz the hell out of them this week, just like they did Romo last week. Wilson is roughly 200 times more elusive than Romo, but he also is not the same QB on the road (8 interceptions). If Griffin were healthy I think Washington wins, but he's not, so Seattle squeaks this one out in what should be a great game and moves on to Atlanta next week.
Seahawks 24 Skins 23.

Bonus National Title Game Pick:
Notre Dame +9 over Alabama
Two great defenses could lead to one of the least entertaining National Title games since, well, last year when 'Bama and LSU held that field goal suck-fest that everyone has tried to erase from their memories. It's a shame because there really have not been any good BCS games yet. Thanks again, BCS! At least we get to see Johnny Football vs. the Sooners tonight in a game that means nothing. I digress. I think the Irish have just enough to hang around and keep this game close..notice I said "close" and not "interesting." Bring on the playoff system please.
'Bama 16 N.D. 14

Overall record: 90-85-3