Friday, February 1, 2013

Super Bowl Prop Bets: Will Ray Lewis Cry? Hell Yes, He Will

The big game is here. Before breaking it down, let us all bask for a moment in the warm glow that is a Patriot-less Super Bowl. They are rare occurrences not to be taken for granted. There will be no Brady on Sunday, no Bellichick, no Welker, no Robert Kraft, no Gronkowski bro-ing it up in the sky-box. And that's a GREAT THING.

Yet, we still must suffer through one more day of Ray Lewis antics. It's no easy road for us, the brave viewer who must witness his shenanigans. You can bet he will leave all the antics he has left on that field, for he is a warrior of drama.

We also must deal with 49er fans. Not to generalize, but here's a quick rundown of every 49er fan in existence: they are unbearable bandwagon fans that couldn't name 3 players on the team two weeks ago. They will tell you they knew all along Colin Kaepernick should start over Alex Smith, and they also can't say what college he even atttended. As they fiddle with the chains on their skinny jeans, they will tell you Jim Harbaugh is a genius and that the Giants are going to win the World Series again next year. If they utter the phrase "Fear the Beard," or dare flex their bicep like Kaepernick, you have my permission to dump a five layer dip on their heads.

Will Jim Harbaugh make a referee cry? Odds: 1-1.
Prop Bets Galore!
Hey, did you know you can bet on virtually anything to do with Sunday's game? In fact, I've already made a wager on how many wagers you will make. Let's step into my betting chamber and explore the many rich delights that await us!

Coin Flip: Heads -105 vs. Tails -105
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. TAILS NEVER FAILS*.

*may fail 50% of time

Over/Under on number of times "Harbaugh" will be said: 21.5
Easiest bet on the board. They'll hit the over on this mid-way through the first quarter when Joe Buck says "Flacco drops back to pass....oh God I can't resist, Harbaugh, Harbaugh, so much toughness, so many Harbaughhhhhs!"

Over/Under on length of post-game hug between Harbaugh bros: 7.5 seconds
Anything over 3 seconds becomes awkward very quickly. Hug for more than 5 seconds and you're essentially saying, "let's take this hug back to my locker room and see where it leads."

Interesting fact: Ray Lewis's pregame dance routine counts
as 4 made tackles.
Over/under on tackles for Ray Lewis: 11.5
If Ray Lewis is in on the field, he gets credit for tackles. If another Ravens player clearly makes the tackle by himself, Lewis gets credit for a half tackle because his leadership allowed said player to make that tackle. If Lewis is not on the field, he still gets credit, because he totally would have tackled that guy. Over.
Over/Under on how long it takes Alicia Keys to sing National Anthem 2 minutes, 15 seconds.
Another shockingly easy over bet. At the 2 minute mark, Alicia will still be singing about the dawn's early light.

Will Alicia Keys add one word to the National Anthem?
Now this is a fun one. You never know, Keys could sing "and the bombs bursting in the air..jabronis..!" This would be an easier bet if Michael Jackson were singing, because you know he'd throw in a "Jam-on!" toward the end. Likewise, Bruce Springsteen would slip in a "mister" or a "sister" or a "darlin'".  Maybe stay away from this one.

Will Randy Moss say something stupid in postgame
press conference. Odds 5/4.
Player Over/Unders:
Receiving Yards by Torrey Smith: 61.5
Smith is a big play guy, take the over.

Rushing Yards by Ray Rice: 65.5
I like Rice, but his backup Bernard Pierce has actually looked better than him in the postseason. Take the under here.

Total receptions by Randy Moss: 2.5
Moss has caught more than 2 passes in only 5 out of his last 18 games. Under.

Total receptions by Anquan Boldin: 4.5
Boldin is a crafty vet, and he excels in catching poorly thrown balls thanks to his background with the Arizona Cardinals. Over.

Total rushing yards by LaMichael James: 25.5
James is half man/half scooter, and he will make a big play at some point. Over

Was Tebow acquired by Baltimore
this week? No one is saying.
Who will score the first touchdown?:
On a bet like this, it's fun to take a longshot. That's why I've taken Tim Tebow at 100,000 to one odds. It's just good business. If you want to play it "smart" like a wuss, then go with Dennis Pitta at 12 to 1 or Kaepernick at 8 to 1.

The game: Niners -3.5 over Baltimore
I almost forgot, we can even bet on the actual game. Yeah, not as fun. The Ravens seem to be the popular pick as this line opened at -5. Both teams should be able to move the ball just enough on each other's defense. The Niners don't want to get into a field goal contest, since their kicker has a case of the shanks. Also, is Kaepernick really ready for this stage? The only QB to win a Super Bowl with so few starts in NFL history is Jeff Hostetler. And that was thanks to a missed fg by Scott Norwood. I like the Ravens in a squeaker. I also strongly advise against watching the post-game interview of Ray Lewis, unless you're the kind of person that likes Nicholas Sparks novels.  Baltimore 24 49ers 23.

If you've been following my playoff picks this year that means you should put everything you have on the 49ers. Enjoy the game!    

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