| "Rejoice, for the Deep Dish has returned!" |
"So, at last we meet, for the first time, for the last time."
Welcome to the return of THE DEEP DISH! Oh how you've missed me, and oh how I've been missed by you. You may want to ask where the first 7 weeks of NFL picks are. Tread lightly, my friend. Actually, it's a bit rude of you to ask that and I'll thank you to stay out of my affairs! Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and blame it all on the government shutdown (shakes fist angrily!). That's right, your Congress deprived you of the Deep Dish for three and one-half fortnights. Write your representative today! Preferably via the ye old postal service, because they need the business.
But, what a season it's been so far, hasn't it? I find the best way to sum up 7 weeks of football is through the use of one extremely long run-on once sentence, so here we go: Literally 80 percent of the league is injured (don't fact check this), Tom Brady sucks now and it's great fun for all (please do fact check this), the 49ers and Seahawks are still excellent, but not unbeatable, Peyton Manning's neck-roids are working amazingly well, the Giants are terrible, the Jaguars are historically terrible, Geno Smith is at the very least better than Mark Sanchez, the Cowboys are actually not that bad, the Chiefs cannot be this good, Greg Schiano is hilariously incompetent, the Browns are now starting Jason Campbell (what year is this?), poor Matt Schaub is so washed up that fans are sitting on his lawn with signs, Matt Barkley actually played in an NFL game and it went as you would expect and the Raiders remain great comic relief. All caught up? Good, let's get to the picks.
Panthers -7 at Bucs (written yesterday, I totally swear)
Word has it that the NFL will issue an apology prior to kickoff for the mere existence of this game. As well they should. Here are 5 things you can watch tonight that will be better than this game: 1) Ron Burgundy Durango commercials on continuous loop 2) Gatti-Ward Legendary Nights Special on HBO 3) Grey's Anatomy (just kidding, that's much worse) 4) Reign (not sure what this is, I'm just reading random shows off my channel guide now) 5) Bride of Chucky on AMC. Notice I left off the World Series game because both the Red Sox and Cards are just unbearable. Ooooh, you all grew beards, how creative, what a true TEAM! You know what would be better than growing beards? Don't shower for like a month straight and go on a peyote diet. Now that's TEAMWORK. See how cute the press thinks you are then. Panthers 20 Bucs 9
49ers -16.5 at Jacksonville
In a fit of rage, Jim Harbaugh will challenge his own challenge flag this week, causing a cataclysmic,
| "I told you to poke eye holes. Now, you just look ridiculous." |
Chiefs -7 vs. Cleveland
In his 2nd season, the youthful 41-year-old Brandon Weeden's career appears over. It feels like just yesterday he was drafted, but it was actually 1991. The Browns were still smart to draft him though. Age is something that can't be taught. Now it's Jason Campbell's time to shine. Campbell is living proof that one undefeated season in college can lead to years of occasional NFL employment. There's hope Tebow, there's hope.
Chiefs 24 Browns 13
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| Growing bored with success, Drew Brees will complete a pass to 4 lucky fans this week. |
The Bills have been sneaky good the last couple of weeks. Their skullduggery shan't continue though. This week, Drew Brees will complete a pass to a record 48 different receivers to fully achieve his lifelong goal to torment fantasy owners everywhere. Saints 38 Bills 26
Jets +6 at Cincinnati
I was really hoping the Jets would be awful this year so I could just ignore them. It appeared that would happen. No such luck. Now, they are playing just well enough, showing just enough promise in order to fill the fan base up with hope and bring us all back in. Make us believe again. Then around week 17, the sledgehammer falls. They are diabolical. Bengals 27 Jets 20.
Pittsburgh -3 at Oakland
The Steelers will win this game, sparking a lot of "The Steelers are Back!" stories. Anyone who reads those stories will immediately regret it. Steelers 16 Raiders 12
Cowboys +3 at Detroit
Over the years, Tony Romo has won me over. The narrative that he is a choke artist is foolish. Does he screw up in the clutch? Sometimes, yes. But, he also wins. He's not Peyton Manning or Drew Brees, and few are...actually only 2 are. This Cowboys team is flying under the radar, which is almost impossible for a team that plays inside a space ship with an android as an owner. Dallas 34 Lions 31
Halftime! Let's dance! Say what you will about Kings of Leon, and "Sex on Fire" is maybe the worst song ever, but this song is good:
Dolphins +7 at Patriots
Geno Smith is completing a higher percentage of passes than Tom Brady. He also has a better yards per.
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| "Come back, Wes. I need you!" |
Broncos -13 vs. Washington
The NFL's best passing offense against it's worst passing defense. This should be fun. But, RG3 just put up 45 points against a good Chicago defense. Here are some ideas to replace the offensive Redskins name, should they desire:
Washington Bullets (can't believe no one's EVER thought of this)
Washington Willy Nillies
Washington Cherokees
Washington Ham & Cheese Sandwiches (mmm)
Washington Monuments (sounds so powerful!)
Washington Tropics
Washington Demon Districters
Washington Whosiwhatsits
Denver 38 Skins 28
Atlanta +2 at Arizona
I mean really, who cares? Matty Ice needs a new nickname, perhaps Matty Zima. He's sullying the name of a classy beer like Natty Ice. Who else misses Julio Jones? He's left a void in us all.
Falcons 27 Cards 24
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| "You there..I'm just going to toss it up haphazardly, don't intercept me!" |
For the 90th time, it's the return of Mike Vick. And this time, it's not personal at all. Would it kill Tom Coughlin to punch one of his players? We all know he wants to do it. At this point, it would be cathartic. Philly 31 Giants 30
Packers -9.5 at Minnesota
During this game, clueless Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier will screw up at a crucial moment when he yells at his quarterback "Omaha, Omaha, wombat, 44!" because he heard Peyton Manning yell that on tv one time and it seemed to work for him. Packers 31 Vikings 17
Seahawks -11.5 at St. Louis
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| Pete Carroll showing off the arm that forced him into his career as coach/cheerleader. |
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