Friday, January 11, 2013

NFL Divisional Round Picks!

Worst. Wildcard. Round. Ever. You know it's bad when the highlight of the weekend is watching Mike Shanahan attempt to turn his QB's knee into Hamburger Helper. However, there are four outstanding games this weekend, so no time to dilly or even dally. A Manning-Brady showdown looms, so Lord help us all.

Also, as I am wont to do, each game breakdown will be accompanied by a limerick:

Both of these guys need to improve their game-face.
Denver -9.5 over Baltimore
What a snoozefest between the Colts and Ravens last week. It was visual Ambien. The Broncos went into Baltimore a few weeks ago and basically tap-danced on the Ravens' heads. Now they get them at their own stadium. But, that was while Ray Lewis was out and before he announced his retirement, which begat his tearfell farewell tour that has inspired a nation to dance like idiots. EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

What else can be said about Peyton Manning? He does funny commercials, was a surprisingly good SNL host, and is the first QB to play with a replacement neck. The Ravens simply don't have enough fire power to keep up with Denver, and this feels like another blow out.

Ol' Ray Ray gets to play another week
So annoying, of phonyness he does reek
He will do his dance
And then get de-pantsed
By Mr. Manning, that neckless freak

Broncos 31 Ravens 13

"Here's the run towards the bench,
then sit there for about 3 hours."
Green Bay +3 over San Francisco
This game is very similar to last year's playoff game between the Saints and 49ers - a high scoring, pass-heavy team meets the best defense in the NFL. The Saints lost that game largely due to two kick return fumbles, and Alex Smith playing the first good game of his career. This Packer team has a much better defense and more weapons at WR. Hasn't San Francisco won enough lately? How much happiness do these hipster doofuses deserve? No more, I say.

Will the Niners be able to win?
I wouldn't bet it on Harbaugh's chin
Rodgers is gettin hot
Receivers? They have a lot
This'll be over before it begins

That was dumb, let's try another one:

There was a QB named Kaepernick
He could throw and boy was he quick
But the Pack can sure score
It'll be over before
You can say "discount double-chick"

Close enough.
Green Bay 27 Niners 20

Atlanta -2 over Seattle
Here is the MRI of RG3's knee
after Sunday's game.
If the Falcons putz around and try to win this game on the ground with Michael Turner, the Seahawks will beat them. If they open it up and keep throwing to Julio Jones, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez, they should win. If Matt Ryan loses this game, he may as well pack his bags and change his last name to Romo. No pressure.

The Seahawks should say "thanks" to Shanahan
Hey, leave in your QB, what a great plan
It's just a little limp
He's not yet a gimp
Who cares if he never plays again?

Falcons 31 Seahawks 27

"Forget about Brady, ladies, and take a gander
at me, the Schaub-inator."
Houston +9.5 over New England
It's been 7 years since Brady and the evil, hooded, cheating, homewrecking coach have won a Super Bowl. I have no follow-up point to that, but I enjoy saying it. It must be tough being Wes Welker. He was once the "little scrappy guy that could," and of course, he bravely broke the NFL's troll barrier. But, then along comes Danny Woodhead, a shorter, scrappier troll. There's got to be some resentment there.

The Pats did give the Texans a beating a few weeks back, but expect a closer game this time around. Just look at Matty Schaub above. Is that not the face of confidence?

There once was a mean coach named Bill
It was said he smelled like a dunghill
He's a devilish rake
And a slimy snake
Fitting, because he's pure evil

Pats 34 Texans 30

Enjoy the games!

Last week: 2-2
Overall record: 92-87-3

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