Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Shutupskis Part 2! Plus, Week 13 NFL Picks

Yesterday we discussed five of the worst play-by-play announcers in the business. It was tremendous fun for all. Today, we'll take a look at the worst in-game analysts. I have to admit, it's tough keeping this list to five, there's so many worthy candidates. A great analyst is one who knows the game inside and out, but also doesn't feel the need to point it out to the viewer. They don't have to comment on every damn play (ahem, Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden), they pick their spots. They are witty and engaging, but also are not afraid to call a player or referee or coach out when necessary. They're not afraid to say things like, "Norv Turner is the dumbest man to ever put on pants by himself." Or, "Herm Edwards has the same clock management skills as a  newborn baby." Or, "Tom Coughlin's red face is looking like it may finally burst tonight, stay tuned folks!" Those comments are ENTERTAINING AND INFORMATIVE!

One of the best analysts working today in college basketball is Bill Raftery. He's funny, passionate, knows the game well, and doesn't take things too seriously. This is all we really want from our analysts. The following Shutupski winners have none of those qualities. They are the anti-Rafterys, completely lacking in "onions":

Yes-man Troy Aikman, seen here in mid-nod.
The Ed McMahon "You Are Correct, Sir" Award goes to:
Troy Aikman: The consummate "yes" man analyst. Aikman is a nice enough guy, but all he ever does is agree with his partner (and fellow Shutupski winner!) Joe Buck on every single point. "You're right about that Joe" ..."that's a great point, Joe" .... "Have to agree with ya there, Joe" are just a few of the pearls of wisdom that one gets while watching Aikman. He's also highly inquisitive and will throw in the occasional "I don't know about that call there, Joe". In his defense, he did suffer multiple concussions during his playing days.

Another die-hard McCarver fan.
The "Thanks, Captain Obvious" Award goes to:
Tim McCarver: Hey, another partner of Joe Buck, coincidence? I THINK NOT. It's a contagion that's spreading. There was a time when McCarver was considered interesting. That time passed long ago. It all started to go downhill for Tim when Deon Sanders drenched him with champagne and ice during a pennant clinching celebration. I think Tim suffered hypothermia and was never the same. Some McCarver-isms include:"statistics only tell you so much" and "they may hit and run here... or they might not." That is going out on a limb! He also truly enjoys Joe Buck's attempts at wit, and that earns him further disdain.

Merchant, most likely relieving himself.
The "Oh My God, This Guy Belongs in a Home" Award goes to: 
Larry Merchant: He's an icon in boxing broadcasting, yet lately, Merchant's post-fight interviews provide a glimpse at a man's descent into dementia. While that might be scientifically interesting, it's not great television. In his last interview with Floyd Mayweather, he threatened to kick his ass. During an actual match, Merchant's comments range from the delusional to an angry old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn. He yearns for a return to the days when bear-fisted fighters like Jack Johnson fought 78 rounds or until someone died, and in that respect, I kind of agree with him.

"Guys, I'm on the field, I'm on the field!"
The "There is No Need For You" Award goes to: 
Tony Siragusa: Every weekend, this football "analyst" provides zero useful information, except to say things like, "I'm down here on the field and these guys are really hitting! I can hear it!" The geniuses at Fox knew the massive Siragusa would probably not fit in a normal booth, so he is allowed to patrol the sidelines unfettered and contribute various insights about the day's weather. It's awkward for everyone.

Joe Morgan, seen here devaluing the Emmy Award by 1000%
The "Everything You Say I Want to Un-hear" Award goes to: 
Joe Morgan: The broadcaster so abhorrent he was the first to have a website dedicated to his firing. Thankfully, the mission was accomplished and Morgan no longer calls Sunday Night Baseball. Joe's major offenses were that he was a pompous d-wad that would never admit a mistake (when there were countless) and he refused to acknowledge statistics had any place in evaluating players. He believed all that should matter is heart and intangibles and what his brilliant eyes saw. No one can understand the game like him BECAUSE HE PLAYED IT. Worst of all, he loved sacrifice bunts. Bunts are surrender. Bunts are France. Bunts are laying up on a Par 5 when you can get there in 2. Bunts are stupid.

Honorable Mentions: Phil Simms, Dick Vitale, Mark May, Jon Gruden, Dan Dierdorf 

NFL Week 13 Quick Picks:
Buffalo -1.5 over Tennessee
Oakland +3 over Miami
Chicago -7.5 over Kansas City 
Baltimore -6.5 over Cleveland (lock of the week)
Washington +3 over the Jets
Atlanta -3 over Houston
Tampa -3 over Carolina
Minny -1.5 over Denver
St. Louis +13.5 over San Francisco
Detroit +9 over New Orleans
Dallas -4.5 over Arizona
Giants +7 over Green Bay
Indy +20.5 over New England
San Diego -3 over Jacksonville

Last Week 7-6-1
Overall: 75-49-7

 Enjoy the games, I leave you with an underrated Frank Black song:

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