Friday, November 11, 2011

Week 10 NFL Picks! Where Philip Rivers enjoys cheese with his whine.

Philip Rivers blames the sun for his poor performance.
It's Week 10, which means Thursday Night football is back! It's better than Monday Night football, because it's closer to the weekend (it's okay to drink!), and doesn't include Ron Jaworski and John Gruden shouting at you. Sadly, I was a little late on that, so I didn't get my pick in on last night's game. Let's assume I was going to pick the Raiders. Philip Rivers continues to disappoint, and Norv Turner's play-calling continues to have less backbone than a bowl of jello. Rivers is easily the biggest whiner in sports since Danny Ainge. He's the only QB I've ever seen that will still cry and moan even after throwing a TD. I bet he sends his meals back at restaurants constantly for being over- or undercooked. He's the NFL's Goldilocks, what a pleasure he must have been to raise.

Cleveland -3 vs. St. Louis 
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, no, don't let these two "football teams" meet. This week has been tough enough. No need to analyze this one, so let's move on to other items. Whatever happened to the uncatchable call on pass interference penalties? It's never called anymore, and it used to be with some frequency. Remember how you'd be really angry when your team would be flagged for a PI, but then out of nowhere the ref would do that signal of waving his arm over his head, which looked like he was telling you how tall he wanted to be? The ruling signified the pass couldn't be caught by any human being alive, so there was no flag on the play. And you'd thank your lucky stars your QB had an arm like Olive Oil (looking at you, Chad Pennington). It was a glorious call, like being pardoned by the Governor. I miss that call. Are we now supposed to believe that a receiver can leap 8 stories high, and bend backwards on a dime like a cross between Spiderman and Neo from the Matrix ? Sorry, no one in the known Universe is catching some of these passes from Colt McCoy. I DON'T BUY THAT NFL, AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE SELLING IT! St. Louis 17 Cleveland 14

Giants +3.5 at 49ers 
Coughlin surprisingly shanked Belichick in the gut during this post-game greeting.
The Giants just made Tom Brady wish he had retired to his baby goat farm permanently, you think Alex Smith will fare better? Also, Tom Coughlin has a got a little surprise for Jim Harbaugh for the post-game coaches "hand shake". He's planning a post-game drop kick, followed by nunchucks to the groin and a trident through the heart. He's taking it up a notch. Lock of the Week: Giants 24 49ers 17 

Carolina -3.5 vs. Tennessee 
Hoooo doggie, when these bitter Southern rivals meet, you best throw out the records, and put the grits on the grill, Daddy-o! Or, you can keep the records and decide Tennessee looks done. Let's do that. But, it's fun talking like a Southerner every now and again, I reckon. Carolina 34 Tennessee 14.

Washington +4 at Miami 
Miami finally got on the board with a W last week, and Vegas has overreacted about as badly as that Double Rainbow guy. Yes, Washington is terrible, but a 1-win team should not be a 4-point favorite in November. Miami 21 Skins 20

Minnesota +13.5 at Green Bay 
These numbers for Rogers should all read "infinity".
Running out of words to describe Aaron Rodgers. I already said he went from ludicrous to plaid a couple weeks ago. When a player in a video game was unstoppable (like Bo Jackson or Lawrence Taylor in Super Tecmo Bowl) we used to call them "ridiculi," because they were beyond ridiculous and unfairly good. That's what Rodgers is right now, ridiculi and also in "Excellent" condition. A deadly combination. Green Bay 38 Minny 21

Let's hope Cutler's head stops growing.

Chicago +3 vs. Detroit 
Jay Cutler's head is getting really fat, and no one wants to discuss it. The rest of his body seems okay, but his head seems to be expanding, and it's a bit alarming.  Maybe he's storing acorns in those chubby cheeks for the winter, who knows? Detroit 28 Chicago 27

Pittsburgh -3 at Cincy 
The Bengals have had some fun this year with their easy schedule, but the bill comes due this week as big bad Pitt comes to town. There's been some rumors that ginger-haired Andy Dalton may put black streaks into his hair, so that his head would resemble the actual Bengal helmet. I speak for everyone when I say, AWESOME, LET THY WILL BE DONE, ANDY. Steelers 27 Cincy 17

Jets -1.5 vs. Pats 
Dare I say the game of the week, or perhaps game of the Millennium? I'm so fired up for this one I just tackled a stranger on the sidewalk. Sorry little old lady, but not in my house, you gotta bring it stronger than that on 4th and 1! And, here's your walker back, my bad. Complete homer pick: Jets 30 Pats 27

Jacksonville -3 at Indy 
The Colts new defensive strategy on display.
This may be the last chance for Indy to get a win this year. The Colts should redesign their helmet to incorporate a raised white flag. Jacksonville 24 Indy 20

New Orleans -1 at Atlanta
I think the Saints will pull this out, but it won't be easy. It'll have to get done Cajun style. New Orleans 33 - Atlanta 31

Bonus College Pick! 
Oregon +3.5 at Stanford
I nailed last week's college pick, so let's let it ride on this great matchup between top 10 teams. Speaking of college, Penn State's rioting students reminded everyone this week that college students are idiots and will literally take to the streets for anything, no matter how ill-advised. I don't even believe they were all protesting for Paterno. Most were just procrastinating from their papers, looking for free beer, and hoping for a passionate, riot-inspired hook-up. "It's us against the world, baby, but we've got tonight." It's a classic college move. Stanford 45 Oregon 38.

                                                                         Baltimore -7 at Seattle 
Ray Lewis shows off his bug-stomping technique.
Can any road team cover the spread in Seattle this year? Will Ray Lewis ever not celebrate every single play he makes or doesn't make? Which Marshawn Lynch will show up? The guy who runs over 8 players for 150 yards, or the Lynch we all know that runs like he's carrying his 10 kids on his back? Are these questions all rhetorical? Perhaps? Baltimore 20 Seattle 6

Arizona vs. Philly (off the board) 
I'm not sure exactly why this off the board, but my sources tell me it's because Andy Reid ate the spread.

Houston -3 at Tampa 
The winner of this can claim Gulf Coast Supremacy, which really means everything to two teams that never win anything. Houston 27 Tampa 20.

Enjoy the games!  

Last Week: 11-3
Overall Record: 56-30-4 (it's a gift)
Locks of the week: 6-2

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