Thursday, November 17, 2011

Week 11 NFL Picks - All Tebow, All The Time

In Tebow we trust to never see a forward pass again. 
Jets -6.5 at Denver 
Hold on to your bibles and rosaries because the Tim Tebow show goes national tonight! Hand-off after exciting hand-off, and the thrills of the triple option await! And when you become bored with that (ha, not possible)? LOOK OUT, QB sneak! Praise jeebus! The Broncos ran the ball 680 times last week and completed 2 forward passes. This isn't even a joke. If leadership and intangibles were visible to the naked eye, Tebow would surely blind us all with his brilliance. How else are they winning, if not divine intervention? Perhaps because 2 of his 3 wins are against the Dolphins and Chiefs, you say? Wrong, Heathen! YOU SHALL BE SMOTE! By the way, Tebow does not approve of the rowdy friends you may have over to watch this game. He also frowns upon your unholy chips and dips selection. What, no hummus? Jets 20 Broncos 17.

Tampa Bay +14 at Green Bay
Jason Bay fondly remembers his 1 home run last year.
There's nothing better than a vintage "Battle of the Bays" to get the blood flowing. Sadly, BP settled the debate once and for all regarding which bay is better able to sustain marine life. If only the Bay of Fundy had an NFL team. Now that's a nice looking bay. In contrast, here's a terrible looking Bay.  Green Bay 28 Tampa 10

San Diego +3.5 at Chicago 
Impressive showing by the Bears last week in drubbing the Lions. The much softer Chargers come into town with something to prove - whether they are a 7 or 8 win team this year. I think it's 7. Bears 31 Chargers 24.

McCoy is hoping a new 'stache will distract people from his horrid play.
Cleveland PK vs. Jacksonville 
A classic pick-em game if there ever was one. It's an easily movable object vs. a very resistible force. Who knows which of these teams decides to show up and try in this one? Trying is hard and often not worth it. Quarterbacks Colt McCoy and Blaine Gabbert's cool sounding names are inversely proportional to how talented they are. Cleveland 20 Jacksonville 14 

Arizona +9.5 at San Fran 
Well it's official, the 49ers are really good. I'm as angry as you are about it, trust me. However, I still maintain they are lucky the Giants were stupid enough to keep running the ball last week when Eli was carving them up through the air. You know the bar is set low when Alex Smith throws for 200 yards for about the first time in his career and he's treated like a conquering god. 49ers 17 Cards 10

Watch out Bengals, Flacco is furious.
Cincy +7 at Baltimore 
The Ravens are sure to be angry over last week's defeat to the lowly Seahawks. And you won't like them when they're angry, because Joe Flacco's infuriated eyebrows unite to form a Unibrow of Terror. Baltimore 27 Cincy 23

Dallas -7.5 at Washington 
The Beck-Grossman QB controversy rages on, as each man continues to out-suck the other. Another candidate is needed desperately. It's not unlike the GOP race. ZING! That's right, I just went political up in here. Also, Miles Austin has the hamstrings of an octogenarian. Cowboys 27 Redskins 12

Oakland -1.5 at Minnesota  and Seattle +1 at St. Louis
Run, don't walk away from these games, it'll be ugly.....
What are you still doing here? I said run, this isn't a drill people! Oakland 21 Minny 16; St. Louis 9 Seattle 6
Chris Johnson likes running here.
Tennessee +6 at Atlanta 
Atlanta seemed to have turned a corner, until last week's 4th down debacle in OT. Perhaps the street they turned onto was Elm Street or a dead end? I think it was the right decision, but the wrong play call. NFL teams convert 4th and inches over 80 pct. of the time when they quarterback sneak it. The odds are lowered when you just hand off, which is what they chose to do. So called experts get all up in arms over calls like these, and it's quite silly. If Atlanta had converted and gone on to win those same idiots would have proclaimed it "the greatest call ever". Lawyered. Atlanta 24 Tennessee 16

Giants -4.5 vs. Eagles 
Vince Young may get to play a little bit for his "nightmare team" this week, as Mike Vick's ribs have been pummeled into a fine powder once again. He may as well get those things removed, supermodel style. Now is about the time the Giants start their annual 2nd half collapse so I'm calling the upset here: Eagles 30 Giants 26.

Marcellus' mysterious neck wound still bugs me.
Buffalo +2.5 at Miami
Two teams going in opposite directions, but Buffalo's season is on the line, while Miami is only playing for pride. And remember what the wise philosopher Marcellus Wallace said about pride? He got a little graphic about it, yes, but he's right. Did we ever figure out why he had that band aid on his neck? Was he hurt shaving? Was he missing a vital neck bone and that's what was in the case? It's been 17 years, can't Quentin let us know on that one? Buffalo 30 Miami 20

Kansas City +14.5 at New England 
2 more innocent victims of Tom Brady's goat trafficking ring came forward this week.
Another Monday night beauty is surely on the way. Rumor has it that Tom Brady once tried to pass his disturbing goat fetish onto Matt Cassel while Cassel was playing with the Pats. Brady went so far as to ask Cassel to go halvsies on his South American goat farm. TRUE STORY, but the lame stream media won't tell you about it.  Patriots 34 Chiefs 17

Carolina +7 at Detroit
The one good thing about the NBA strike? The PA announcer who says "DEEE-TROIT BASKET-BALL" is out of a job. That's sweet justice. God, I hated that guy. Detroit 27 Carolina 21

Overall Record 62-37-4
Last week: 6-7  (I'm human)

"I thought I told you to shut uh uh up...."

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