Friday, October 7, 2011

Week 5 NFL Picks! Now with extra vitriol...

Rumor has it Magnum bet the
Tigers to win with his bookie, Icepick.
Before we get to the games, a big congrats to the Detroit Tigers for saving America from two more weeks of Yankee games. It almost makes me want to buy a Ford again someday, but not quite.

The dreaded bye weeks begin this week, as six teams are off. We can all agree bye weeks are a terrible idea. It's only week 5, do we really need a break already, guys? What is this, Spain? Are you all going to drink some Malbec, then take siesta on the veranda? I hate bye weeks. Anyway, we learned a lot last week in the NFL. Here are the most important lessons gleaned:

Sanchez and Flacco followed
this advice admirably on Sunday night.
1) Most importantly, we learned that the NY Jets love embarrassing their fan-base during national telecasts. If only there was a way to un-see that putrid display of blocking and quarterbacking by the Jets. I actually wouldn't call it blocking. It was an invitation to injure teammates. And I wouldn't call it quarterbacking, either. Mark Sanchez and Joe Flacco were making a social commentary about the complete and utter potential for failure that exists within us all, if we would only let it. It was performance art. A bold choice, we should thank them.

2) The feel-good Bills are maybe not so good after all, as they went into Cincy and had a letdown, which was predictable, though not by me.

3) Seattle can cover any spread at home, it just doesn't matter. That stadium is ridiculously loud, and should win the national acoustics design awards every year if such awards exist.

Beware of Evil Tony.
4) Tony Romo is possibly bi-polar or has an evil twin that occasionally subs for him in the 4th quarter. I would like the twin to have a handle-bar mustache please, so we know when he has entered the game. 

5) The Dolphins, Vikings, Chiefs, Colts, Jags and perhaps even the Rams will all be competing in the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, commonly known as "Suck For Luck". This could make betting their games quite easy. They may not even show up to certain games. But it also means the spreads will go up ridiculously high by the end of the year. And yes, Stanford's Andrew Luck is in fact that awesome that 5 or 6 teams are fine with going 2-14 or 1-15 this year. Unlike that guy in Napoleon Dynamite, he actually can throw a football over a mountain. Chuck Norris wishes he were as kick-ass as Andrew Luck.  

So, let's get to ignoring those lessons learned and get to the week 5 picks:

Kansas City +2 at Indy
A lot of crappy teams are vying for
Luck's services.
Curtis Painter? showed he had a pulse last week, but the Colts still choked a game Tampa was trying to give away. This is an early Luck Sweepstake showdown. Expect each team to sabotage themselves repeatedly in a game of "no, seriously, please score on us, we will not even try to touch you." It will be like that NBA all-star game where Magic Johnson came out of retirement and shot uncontested layups for 48 minutes. The Chiefs got their one win last week, and that will surely sustain them for a long time. They are like a football camel, they can go months without a win now. Indy can afford to win 1 game here. Indy 24 - Chiefs 20 (lock of the week)

Arizona +2.5 at Minnesota 
Arizona could be players in the Suck for Luck bonanza, but they stupidly signed Kevin Kolb for 20 years at $50 mil per year (estimate). It's unfortunate because Kevin Kolb sucks. It's a dry suck, but he still sucks. Minnesota 27 Arizona 23

"I now regret the decision to wear
this helmet."
Philly -3 at Buffalo 
Vegas isn't giving up on the Eagles, they really shouldn't be favored here. But, this is a do or die game for Eagles, because 1-4 teams almost never make the playoffs, and Fox needs them to be good for a compelling storyline. I'll go along with that theory. Annoying city of Philly 34 - Friendly Buffalo 27

Oakland + 5.5 at Houston 
This would be a 10 point spread if Andre Johnson were healthy, but the evil turf that once injured Wes Welker has claimed another victim. The Houston turf is a serious menace and I hope the Pats play there again this year. Oak town covers with a garbage time TD. Houston 28 - Oakland 24

Cincy +1.5 at Jacksonville 
This game annoys me just thinking about it, and the Red Zone channel better not cover 1 minute of it. You hear me, Siciliano?! Of course you do, what a silly question. Jaguars 14 Bengals 13  

You know this guy loves iCal.
Seattle +10 at New York
This should be the blow-out of the week (sorry Seattle readers). Random pet peeve tangent: people at work who insist on making i-Calendar entries for every little meeting or event when there's only like 6 people in the damn office. Who are you trying to impress? This was not Steve Jobs' vision for this application. Look across the office and say "hey, let's meet in 10!" Not hard. Don't make it into an hour-long project, and send an email that no one will open, you pretentious doofus. Giants 31 - Hawks 10.

Tennessee +3 at Pittsburgh
The Titans are the bane of my existence right now, as they refuse to obey my preconceived notion of them as a terrible team. It's really just rude at this point. Matty Hasselcakes (as I call him) is like Favre 2.0, a gun-slinger for higher, but with a conscience, and no embarrassing texts. And he's bald! It's refreshing. Still, Pitt will find a way this week even if they have to play dirty and pull hair and do some groin stuff. Lock of the week: Steelers 24 Titans 16. (that's right a 2nd lock of the week!)

So good, they should be illegal.
New Orleans -6.5 at Carolina 
The good Cam Newton returned last week, putting up huge numbers in a defeat, delighting his fantasy owners everywhere. Look for more of the same this week, as New Orleans continues to roll through the red velvet cupcake portion of its schedule. Mmmmm, red velvet cupcake..aaahhh.... New Orleans 30 - Carolina 21

Denver + 4 vs. San Diego 
My bold prediction of the week, which is sponsored by no one (yet!) is this: Tim Tebow will start the 2nd half of this game after San Diego is up 21-3. He will receive a standing ovation. And then he will play terribly, throw 2 interceptions and then Bronco fans will remember, "oh that's right, he's awful, whoops, our bad." Chargers 38 - Denver 13 

Green Bay -6 at Atlanta 
Ain't no party like a
weirdly-painted car party.
Everyone wants to write the Falcons off, but this line is a tad high. Green Bay isn't going 16-0, they are going to lose sometime, why not this week in the dome? Upset alert: Falcons 34 - Packers 28 

Tampa +3 at San Francisco
Tampa is in need of some serious comeuppance. Indy outplayed them last week, but they snuck it out. Meanwhile the 49ers are looking like they could easily go 7-9, which will win the Western division by a lot. In this game, look for Candlestick Park to appear ugly and uninviting. It's not a good place. Niners 23 - Bucs 14

Chicago +5.5 at Detroit 
Jay Cutler is going to get absolutely pulverized in this one. I wish I could somehow invest in his future medical bills. That should be allowed by the SEC or FCC or one of those corrupt organizations. It probably is already, what a country! Detroit 27 Chicago 24 

Jets +9 at Cheat-riots 
I can't be rational when we play the hated team that shall not be named. Accomplished goat-molester Tom Brady loves running it up on the Jets almost as much as he loves his furry friends. And, there is some payback involved here, as the Jets ended the Pats season last year. Let's fondly remember it now in a montage. Enjoy the 3:29 mark by the way.

Oh, good times, indeed. Still, just can't get over how bad Sanchito looked last week. He was worse than an episode of "Whitney" or even "Broke Girls". That's bad, people. Pats 35 Jets 21 

Enjoy the games!

Last week: 9-7 
Season record: 19-13
Lock of the week: 1-1

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