Friday, October 14, 2011


Wes Welker out of uniform.
No messing around this week, lets get right to the picks:

New England -7.5 vs. Dallas 
After a one-week hiatus for repairs, the Romo-coaster is back. Buckle up and keep your hands inside the car. Some of Tony's better weapons are also back including Miles Austin, who really should be acting in soaps or beginning his first semester at Choate with a name like that. For the Patriots, little Wes Welker is about to break all sorts of receiving records. I remember thinking when he became the first real live troll to play in the NFL that the best was yet to come. He doesn't have a big ego about it either, he's still just Wes from under the bridge.
Dallas 31 New England 28 

Another reason to root against the Steelers.
Steelers -12.5 vs. Jacksonville
Oh goody, just what we need, the Steelers are great again. We just can't keep that blue-collar city down...yawn. Blaine "Yo Gabba" Gabbert will be running for his life this week, and I don't think he's that fast. Blaine will be in pain. Steelers 24 Jax 10   

Philly -1.5 at Washington 
Rumor has it Mike Shanahan will start John Riggins and Ernest Byner this week just to mess with fantasy owners of Ryan Torain. Gerald Riggs will also get some carries. I've decided to go down with the sinking S.S. Philadelphia. There's no hope of rescue because Andy Reid traded the life boats for 6 cheese blintzes and a 7th round pick in 2015. Eagles 27 Skins 23

The Bucs played the role of the
gimp in American Horror Story
and nailed it

New Orleans -4.5 at Tampa 
Tampa was the true American Horror Story last week, losing 41-3. By the way, that is one disturbing show, and I highly recommend it. I haven't slept for four days since watching it, good times. It's interesting how throwing the word "American" into a title can help make a movie a hit - "American  Pie", "American Beauty", "American Graffiti", "American Psycho" etc. But, we forget about the instances where it didn't work so well. No one remembers "American Hobo", "American Spelunker" or "American Toll Collector" and for good reason. New Orleans 30 Tampa 27
San Francisco +4.5 at Detroit 
Two surprisingly good teams square off here, although the 49ers haven't really played anyone that good yet. Stanford would be 5-0 with that same schedule, because Andrew Luck is your daddy. By the way, I went into my backyard to throw out the trash yesterday, and Calvin Johnson leaped out and caught it. He dove right into the trash can, the guy is unstoppable. It was pretty cool, but I wish he hadn't spiked the trash bag like that afterwords. I'm not picking that up, Calvin.
Detroit 20 San Fran 17

Go with Opposite George and take the Giants.
Giants -3 vs. Bills 
The Giants cruelly murdered thousands of suicide pools last week. If Plaxico Burress got 3 years for shooting himself in the leg, the Giants should get 4 years for losing at home to the Seahawks. Mayor Bloomberg needs to take action. The G-men are the classic "Opposite George" team - every instinct you have about them is wrong, so the opposite must be true. This week the Bills seem like the obvious play, so I'm taking NY. Argue against this logic, I dare you.  Giants 31 Bills 27 

Minnesota +3 at Chicago 
Once a storied rivalry, this game is now known as the bi-annual Who Gives a Rat's Ass Bowl. It is a little bit fun to see Cutler knocked around like a pinata, though. He should put candy in his jersey and helmet. But beware, pinatas sometimes strike back:  Chicago 20 Minnesota 14 (lock of the week)  

Oakland -6.5 vs. Cleveland 
The Raiders got a lot of mileage and inspiration out of Al Davis' passing last week. Rumor has it he will be propped up on the sideline this week wearing a jumpsuit and sunglasses. Hey, you don't mess with winning streaks. Weekend at Bernie's continues to teach us many lessons even 20 years later.  Oakland 17 Cleveland 14

Al Davis has never looked better.
Indy +7 at Cincinnati 
The Colts went down in epic fashion last week, blowing a 17 point lead, and worse, ruining one of my lock of the week picks. I now hate them. Which leads to my random pet peeve of the week: People who talk to themselves and announce everything they do while they work: we have a new admin girl at my office and all day she's like "I'm checking my email now!", and "just gonna make some coffee" and "just gonna staple this right here" and "just gonna make a phone call now." Are you kidding me, lady? I'm just gonna grab you a tall cup of shut the hell up, very soon. Cincinnati 27 Colts 21

Atlanta -3.5 vs. Carolina
I do declare Atlanta has done me wrong this year. They are 1-4 against the spread, despite my unwavering support. They are not Southern gentleman and I'd like to slap them about the face with a glove and demand satisfaction. Meanwhile, Carolina is 5-0 against the spread. Atlanta 29 Carolina 24

Green Bay -15 vs. St. Louis
Aaron Rodgers has gone from ludicrous to plaid.
This spread could be 24 points and nobody would blink at it. Aaron Rodgers is not even just ridiculously, or ludicrously good any more. He has gone to plaid, folks. He should wear a kilt out there. At this point, the Rams may as well come back to L.A., like a significant other begging for forgiveness after a bad break-up. But you can't just waltz back into our lives like nothing happened, Rams. Sorry... I choose me! Packers 35 Rams 9 

Houston +7.5 at Baltimore 
Even without Andre Johnson playing for the Texans, this line is crazy high. Like Chris Tucker on a Saturday afternoon high. When you think about it, it's kind of dumb to be called the Houston Texans. You don't see the Miami Floridians, or the Green Bay Wisconsinites, or the  Arizona Arizonans do you? Get over yourselves, Texas. Houston 24 Baltimore 21

The Dolphins have cut Dan Carpenter
for the veteran, Ray Finkle.
Miami +7 at Jets
If the Jets lose this game, their season is pretty much over. Miami is terrible, but always plays the Jets tough, and they have a new kicker, Ray Finkle, that I hear is outstanding. The Jets refuse to gain more than 4 yards on any play, because that's false hustle and not old-school football. Jets 24 Miami 23 

Overall Record: 24-20-1
Locks of the week: 2-2
Last week: 5-7-1 (my bad!)


  1. Dallas is gonna beat New England?...uhhhhhh...I think I want my money back.

  2. Does that opposite thing go for all of your picks?