|Shame on you America for making |
this the #1 movie
|It's on everyone's bucket list to see |
Private Benjamin again.
Let's take a look at how the latest remake got remade, and again, these are actual transcripts, and don't ask me how I have them:
|Ren was from the wrong side of |
the tracks...the dancin' side
Producer 1: Hmm...they are all interesting, but...do you have anything with dancing? Like where people are told dancing is forbidden, but goddammit, they gotta dance.
Producer 2: Yeah, dancing is hot right now! (gets up out of seat and does a Michael Jackson leg shimmy and kick) Oww!
Producer 3: I like it when there's a bad boy that just can't be tamed and he silently dances off his anger. (gets up out of chair, mimes punching someone, then does a somersault on conference table).
Producer 1: And we gotta have a domineering figure that no likey the dancing, like a priest...or better yet, a preacher!
Producer 2: (taking notes) Sir, is it okay if I tell you that you are being brilliant right now?
Screenwriter: Guys, I think what you are describing almost scene for scene is "Footloose". It was on TBS last night. And TNT the night before that, it's on literally all the time.
Producer 2: Never heard of it.
Producer 1: I vaguely remember it...it had that guy from Six Degrees of Separation, the emaciated yet sorta hot girl that might be dead now, and that horsey faced girl next door...
|Lori Singer: no longer famous.|
Producer 3: No I don't think so...pretty sure he was, because that town was racist. And it was Joan Cusack, Sarah Jessica is too young to have been in that...
Screenwriter: Okay, regardless, I can work with this. There are ways we can modernize it and change it.
Producer 1: No! Scene for scene, change nothing! This is an homage...and we'll pay you double to just change 1 word per scene from the original script, plus we'll hire the original screenwriter to help out, and boom, we are there.
Screenwriter: Is that allowed?
Producers 1, 2 and 3: (hysterical laughter, followed by awkward group high-five)
There's also another way Hollywood cleverly (read as: underhandedly) remakes movies without technically remaking them, but the plot is exactly the same - take a look:
|Is this guy really worth revisiting?|
Producer 2: (thinking hard) what if we base the movie on the origins of The Thing?
Producer 1: (texting someone) oh baby, prequel time, that's totally rockin', I like it...keep going
Producer 3: Yeah, let's focus on what happened at the Norwegian base right before the Americans arrived...
Producer 1: He just said that, you don't talk anymore. Plus, they all died, didn't they? I think that was pretty clearly established.
Producer 2: Did they though? Think about it...
Producer 1: Hmm....yeah did they? I mean I saw dead bodies...but that's not evidence is it?
Producer 2: Hell no. And the beauty of this is, the star of the movie is The Thing, so ...
Producer 1: We can hire no name actors and save money! God, I'm brilliant, let's call it a day.