Friday, October 21, 2011

Week 7 NFL PICKS - Do you feel lucky, punk?

Harry likes the Chargers this die.
This is the week where many teams realized how truly screwed they are, and we can all benefit. Players start pointing fingers, blame gets assigned, and several teams throw stuff against a wall and see what sticks, as evidenced by the classic move: rolling the dice with new QBs. The Raiders traded for the artist formerly known as Carson Palmer, Washington is starting a guy named Beck who I think worked on my car last week, and most importantly, Denver is starting Jesus Tebow. The water fountains may flow with wine this week down in Miami. But don't be fooled, don't bet on any of these teams, you will rue the day. Rue, I say! 

Warning: this box contains 10 pieces of heaven.
San Diego -1.5 at Jets 
Two teams that have not played that well this year, but the Chargers are 4-1. They are better at being bad than the Jets. Rex Ryan got into some hot water when he mentioned that if he'd have gotten the Charger job a few years ago, he'd "have several rings" by now. In his defense, I think he meant ring-dings, which are delicious, and he is a snack maven. And, even if it was a mean-spirited comment, it's true that Norv Turner is a horrible coach, and everyone knows it. He's been coaching for a dozen years and has 4 playoff wins with extremely talented teams. Rex has 4 playoff wins in two years with Mark freaking Sanchez. Advantage snacks! Jets 24 - Chargers 20

Judge Smailes was a notoriously slow golfer.
Chicago +1 at Tampa Bay  
Other than Devin Hester coming at you like a spider monkey, this game just isn't that interesting, so it's time for my pet peeve of the week: slow golfers. You know who you are. You ruin people's weekends across our fine country. Don't address every shot like the Masters title is on the line. Don't take 12 practice swings that get progressively worse with each swing. Excuse me Mr. Ben Hogan, but you're putting to save a 9. Step up and miss your putt and get off my damn green! Bears 21 Tampa 20

Washington +3 at Carolina 
The Redskins have made the bold switch from Rex Grossman to John Beck, who was not even good enough to stay on the Dolphins. This is like switching from 7 grain to 12 grain bread. The difference is negligible, and both induce visits to the toilet. And who is counting these grains? Will there be 40 grain bread some day? That will blow out some colons. Where does it end? Carolina 27 Washington 20

Largent was Seattle's only claim to fame until grunge.
Seattle + 3 at Cleveland 
I have a loyal Seattle reader that would like me to say something nice about the Seahawks. Well, Steve Largent was good a long time ago, and I enjoyed the Blades brothers in their day... sorry, that's all I got. Even though Cleveland is awful, the Seahawks cannot win two road games in a row. I forbid it. Cleveland 23 Seahawks 17

Houston + 3 at Tennessee 
Last week teams that were coming off a bye played horribly. I hear Tennessee spent their bye week coloring, playing hopskotch and taking naps, so I predict that trend will continue and Houston squeaks out a win. Houston 30 Tenn 20

Green Bay -9.5 over Minnesota 
Minnesota sure thrilled the masses on Sunday night with a truly awful performance against an average Bears team. Now they turn to rookie Christian Ponder against the champs. The 9.5 point spread seems high until you realize Minnesota won't score more than 6 points in this one. Green Bay 31 Minn. 6

Pittsburgh -3.5 at Arizona 
This appears to be the easiest game on the board. Kevin Kolb against the Steeler pass rush is quite a mismatch. But, Kolb against the local flag football league pass rush would be a mismatch also, so maybe it's all relative. Pitt 28 Arizona 21 (lock of the week) 

Did Pullman really deserve 3rd billing here?
Denver +1.5 at Miami
Our "Suck for Luck" game of the week should be an assault on all that's good about football. In last week's pick column I made my most prescient prediction of the year - that Tim Tebow would start the 2nd half of the game vs. San Diego. AND HE DID. I admit I feel like Alec Baldwin in "Malice" right now. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE PRAYING TO, TIM? I AM YOUR GOD NOW. I digress, if Miami doesn't win this game, they may go 0-16, and as cool as that would be, it can't happen. They have to give a minimum amount of effort here, or risk blatant tanking accusations. It's too early for those accusations, wait till about week 11. Miami 21 - Denver 16
Kyle Boller doing what he does best, handing off.

K.C. + 5.5 at Oakland 
As they say, the Autumn Wind is a Raider, and the wind reeks of musty desperation this week. Trading two-first round picks for Carson Palmer? This deserves one of those "Really?" sessions on SNL. Palmer will be fun to watch this week in the way that circus performers are fun to watch. You have to really feel for Kyle Boller. The Raiders just basically said they'd rather mortgage their future and trade for a corpse than ever watch him throw another pass. That's pretty cold. Raiders 13 Kansas City 10

St. Louis +13 at Dallas 
Dallas ruined my bold upset pick last week by going all Sally Mae in the 4th quarter to preserve Romo's psyche. This week that won't be necessary, easy win for the 'Boys. Dallas 30 Rams 13

New Orleans -14 vs. Indy
Some things will always remain unexplained like Bigfoot, UFOs, the Bermuda Triangle...and how that show "Yes, Dear" stayed on so many years. We'll also never know whether Colts Jim Caldwell is a robot or not. Saints 34 Colts 17.

Atlanta +4 at Detroit 
Detroit came crashing back to earth and gave away a game to the 49ers which led to Coach-Handshake gate. I love when handshakes get awkward. This could have all been avoided if they just went with the classic fist-bump followed by the "blow it up" gesture, which I invented as far as you know. That's totally my hand and you can't prove otherwise. Detroit 31 Atlanta 28

Baltimore -8.5 at Jacksonville
What a horrible game. Monday Night Football has failed us again. Baltimore 24 Jacksonville 13
I leave you with a new feature, my obscure good song of the week...this one's for the lady readers, a very catchy song by those frisky indie rockers Rilo Kiley:

Last Week: 7-4-2 
Overall: 31-24-3
Locks of the week: 3-2

1 comment:

  1. You forgot about Dave Krieg, and Starbucks Huge seattle claims to fame!