Friday, November 2, 2012

Week 9 NFL Picks, Plus Mid-Season Awards

We've come to the midpoint of another NFL season, so it's time for some reflection and review of the most valuable and least valuable players so far. There's nothing more cliche than doling out mid-season awards, but it's either this or review the Jets' trainwreck, and I'm not going down that road, it's too depressing.

AFC Half Season MVP Offense: Peyton Manning, Broncos
"Utah, get me two!"
There are some other fine candidates here, including Big Ben, Arian Foster and the scarf-loving, sheep-courting Tom Brady. But for me, it's Manning or GTFO. The man is playing on a spindly neck that's supporting a giant head that's barely attached to his spine and still getting it done despite a weaker arm. Meanwhile, I'm subjected to watching strongnecked Mark Sanchez fire balls into opposing D-lineman every week.

AFC Half Season LVP Offense: Shonne Greene, Jets
What a worthless running back. Greene runs with a refrigerator repair store on his back. He couldn't gain you a yard if you spotted him 2.9 feet. Of course he put together one great game against a terrible team to fool people into thinking he's still decent. I AM NOT IMPRESSED, SHONNE!

J.J. Watt was built by Cyberdyne Systems in the year 2088.
AFC Half-Season MVP Defense: J.J. Watt, Texans
J.J. Watt is possibly not born of this earth. Perhaps he was chiseled from a meteorite and fused with scalding hot magma. Or maybe he was sent from the future for the sole purpose of spiking quarterback's heads into the field turf and swatting their passes into the ionosphere (way higher than stratosphere). The Looper of defensive ends. Regardless, the fact is, he can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity remorse or fear. And he absolutely will not stop UNTIL QBs ARE DEAD....this scouting report is brought to you by Kyle Reese.

AFC Half-Season LVP Defense: Mario Williams, Bills
Williams makes a bejillion dollars and has three sacks and 13 tackles in 7 games and is terrible against the run. He's also Buffalo's best player. Well done, Bills. Runner up for this award? Any Jets linebacker.

NFC Half Season MVP Offense: Adrian Peterson, Vikings
Tempted to give this to Matt Ryan, because the Falcons are undefeated and he's got no running game, but he does have outstanding receivers. So we go with Peterson, who's come back from a serious knee injury to lead the league in rushing. The dude is a beast.

"Go free ball, you're better off without me carrying you."
NFC Half Season LVP Offense: Michael Turner, Falcons
There are beached whales and there is Michael Turner. Beached whales have a better chance at gaining 3 yards a carry even with no opposable thumbs. This is the first year I've had Michael Turner on my fantasy team, because I am brilliant. He's had about 100 rushing attempts inside the 10 yard line this year and only scored 3 touchdowns. How efficient! Runner up: Michael Vick (and it was very close).

NFC Half Season MVP Defense: Tim Jennings, Bears
Jennings already has 6 interceptions and 13 passes defensed. He would have 21 interceptions if he got to face Jay Cutler every week. There's nothing like a shutdown corner. He makes me weep for my old friend Revis. Runner ups: Charles Tillman, Bears and Chad Greenway, Vikings, a tackling machine.

DeAngelo Hall leads the league
 in Ghost Tackles.
NFC Half-Season LVP Defense: DeAngelo Hall and the Redskins secondary Hall has always been one of the more overrated players in the league, but he's taken it to new heights this year, getting toasted enough times to make a Pop Tart envious. The Redskins secondary is on pace to give up more than 5,000 yards receiving.

Week 9 Picks:
Denver -3.5 over Cincy
Green Bay -11 over Arizona
Miami -2 over Indy
Cleveland +3.5 over Baltimore
Buffalo +10.5 over Houston
Carolina +3.5 over Washington
Detroit -4 over Jacksonville
Chicago -3.5 over Tennessee
Seattle -4.5 over Minnesota
Tampa +1.5 over Oakland
Dallas +4 over Atlanta
NYG -3.5 over Pittsburgh
Philly +3.5 over New Orleans

1 comment:

  1. You are co-Jet-dependent. Get help. You live in SoCal. Root for Arizona. Get help...
    Good Poptart line. Still. Get help.