Friday, November 9, 2012

Week 9 NFL Picks!

What a triumphant week for America. Yes we can! What I'm obviously referring to is that the New York Mets released Jason Bay on Wednesday. A former slugger, Bay hit 26 homers for the Mets in three seasons while batting .234. He was actually even worse than those numbers appear. He batted .165 last year. Half of the Mets pitching staff had a higher batting avg. than him. He never got a hit in a big spot, and he never adjusted to what pitchers were throwing him. He wasn't much of a fielder either.

Jason Bay's Met career in summary.
But, it's hard not to feel bad for him. He always played hard, and said the right things, and by all acounts he was a good teammate. He just happened to lose all his skills practically overnight. Suffering two concussions certainly didn't help, nor did getting booed regularly. How can you not feel bad for him? But, then I remember he's already earned over $40 million from the Mets, and will earn $17 million this year sitting at home on the couch. It is doubtful he ever plays again in the majors. That adds up to about $55,000 per Cheeto he will eat next summer. Now I'm just jealous. And kind of hungry. Vaya con Dios, Jason Bay.

On to the picks:

Buffalo +11 over New England
Get this man the ball, Buffalo!
The Bills don't give CJ Spiller the ball 25 times a game, because, well they're the Bills, and aren't great at the whole talent evaluation thing. Tom Brady rocked an interesting tweed coat to an Aerosmith concert this week, apparently with no shirt underneath. I mean, WTF? What a d-bag move. The collection of his embarrassing photos continues to grow with each passsing day. Plus, who the hell goes to Aerosmith concerts anymore? Most overrated band in rock history.

Giants -4 over Cincy
I'm a big fan of this Eli Manning Looks at Things Tumblr. How about one of him looking at Tom Brady in that dumb tweed coat? Too much to ask?

Tampa -3 over San Diego
Doug Martin will set another record and have 400 yards rushing this week. ON ONE PLAY. On the flip side, Norv Turner will also set a record by punting on 4th and short 38 times.

Detroit -2 over Minnesota
What is up with Calvin Johnson? Only 1 TD catch so far this year. Well, for one, he's getting sextuple teamed...and not in the good way (said in a Rodney Dangerfield voice). Stafford needs to realize everyone else is wide open for TDs galore.

Carolina +4 over Denver
Carolina has looked better in recent weeks, and Denver is due for a hiccup.

"I'll stop this train...I mean land this plane!"
Miami -6 over Tennessee
I watched the movie "Flight" this past week, and I now never want to step on a plane again. Thanks, Hollywood. I enjoy how Denzyl Washington is slowly working his way through the transportation industry with devastating effects. Last year was the runaway train in "Unstoppable," a couple of years before that was the ferry destruction in "Deja Vu"... I'm not sure what his next move could be, he's running out of modes of transport. My hope is some sort of runaway Segway. He could just be on it the whole time with his feet tied to it or something, going "Okay...Alright...let's go!"

New Orleans +2 over Atlanta
A strangely low line that seems to be going with the logic that the Falcons have to lose sometime.

Jets +6 over Seattle
Tony Sparano and Mark Sanchez in a hostile environment...yikes, get the adult diapers ready. The Jets won't win this game, but Seattle doesn't blow anyone out. Seahawks have protected the diminutive Russell Wilson nicely by attempting the fewest amount of passing plays in the league, but the Jets are solid against the run and should be able to slow down Lynch. Seahawks win in a close one. Look for Tebow to play, celebrate wildly on 3 yard runs and thoroughly screw up any momentum the Jets have. Like always.

Oakland +8 over Baltimore
This one looks too easy, so I'm going opposite.

Dallas -2 over Philly

"I'm reading Clock Management for Dummies,
I'll give it to you when I'm done."
Philly is toast. Repeat toast. This could be Andy Reid's last game. It could also be Jason Garrett's last game. It's a total COACH OFF. They should just settle things with a pre-game tractor race, Footloose style.

Houston +1 over Chicago
JJ Watt against Jay Cutler. Wouldn't be surprised to see Cutler come up with a little case of this this Sunday.

Two games I don't care about:
San Francisco -11.5 over St. Louis
Pitt -12.5 over K.C.

Last week: 7-6
Overall record: 51-53-2

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