Friday, September 19, 2014

Week 3 NFL Picks! Welcome to Suspensionville

Yes, welcome to the bucolic town of Suspensionville: where running backs go to get away from life's little whoopsies. Take a leisurely stroll down O.J. Simpson Boulevard and don't forget to check out the posh Jim Brown Hotel, where all the balconies can be used as exits

Have to give it to the NFL though, they've unveiled a new motto this week that's sure to appease the masses:  "THE NFL...where you can hit anyone until the game actually starts. Then we throw flags." It may need some work. On to the picks! 

Dallas -1.5 at St. Louis 
Hey, the Cowboys are back on pace for an 8-8 season. The universe is at peace once again. The Rams should really just go back to L.A. at this point. They can all take the bus out here and then emerge from it on Sunset Blvd. like Missouri farm girls with stars in their eyes. You know, just like that Poison song. Cowboys 26 Rams 20 

Baltimore -1.5 at Cleveland 
The clamoring for Johnny Football has begun, and I applaud it. A lot of people take pleasure in watching Heisman winners fail in the NFL. I usually don't, but this time I'll make an exception. 
Ravens 17 Browns 14  

See Jets? Jordy Nelson can be covered! Take notes! 
Green Bay +2.5 at Detroit 
Late memo to Rex Ryan: You may want to put a couple guys on this Jordy Nelson fellow. He likes to catch the "football" on a play called "every pass play" and then he run fast towards a place that gives you 6 points known as the "end zone."  Lions 38 Packers 34. 

New Orleans -10 vs. Minnesota
Time for the Pet Peeve of the Week! This week, it's the guy behind me at a concert shouting like a schoolgirl watching One Direction. Chill out, man! I went to see a show last night and this asshat behind me is screaming in my ear after every song, "WOOOHOO! YEAH! HELL YEAH!" First of all buddy, you're not at a Metallica concert, it's freaking Neutral Milk Hotel. Secondly, we're nine miles from the stage, no one can hear you except the people in your section. By the way, if you've never heard a 7-minute theremin solo or seen a guy perform "air theremin" along with it, you haven't really lived. Saints 31 Vikings 13 

Houston -2 at New York
When you are giving points to Ryan Fitzpatrick at home something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. Victor Cruz needs a more depressing TD dance for these sorry Giants. No more salsa, perhaps a sad little ballet move from "Swan Lake." Giants 19 Texans 17 

Nothing unusual going on here. Every office does this!
New England -14.5 over Oakland 
Woah, that's a spicy meatball of a point spread right there. Not sure Brady is wearing enough Ascot to cover this one. Patriots 31 Raiders 20. 

Tennessee +7 at Cincinnati 
Everyone is hopping aboard the Ginger train this year as the Bengals look formidable. It will all end in round 1 playoffs when Dalton throws 9 picks in the first quarter, but let's enjoy the ride for now. See you in the dining car for pinochle! 
Bengals 27 Titans 10 

Bills -2.5 vs. Chargers
Quality win for the Chargers over Seattle last week, and the Bills are somehow 2-0. This is what's known as a "stay-away" game. This game should have a restraining order on it. Still, why not believe in the Bills for one more week and enjoy rooting against Rivers. Bills 24 Chargers 21. 

Dolphins -4 vs. Chiefs 
This one seems too easy, the Chiefs had a cake schedule last year and are just not good without a healthy Jamaal Charles.  Dolphins 24 Chiefs 14 

Broncos +4.5 at Seahawks 
Hey, look, a Superbowl rematch! Will Peyton suffer 'Nam like flashbacks in this one? "Peyton, you're flying too low over Macho Grande! Pull up, Pull up! You'll have to decide...ahh" You're not fooling me again, Broncos. Seahawks 28 Broncos 20 

Washington +6 at Eagles
So the Eagles now have McCoy plus a rejuvenated Darren Sproles. It's kind of not fair, but you have to remember they also have Mark Sanchez on the bench. It'll even out at some point. 
Eagles 28 Redskins 27 

Bears +2.5 at Jets
Crushing loss for the Jets last week as "the Timeout game" takes its place in Jets' lore next to the "Buttfumble," "Marino's fake spike" and "Gastineau's Folly". Ahh, so much tradition. Still, it's not easy to win two night games in a row on the road. That's how I convince myself to foolishly take the Jets here. By the way, I'm sure steroids were not involved at all in this Gastineau sack dance
Jets 24 Bears 23 

49ers -3 at Arizona 
The fun stops here for Arizona I'm afraid. It would be nice if Colin Kaepernick realizes the 2nd half of the game counts as much as the 1st half. Niners 27 Cards 20.

Colts -7 at Jags 
It took what felt like years, but the Colts may finally realize Trent Richardson has the speed, body
"2.2 yards, here I come!"

control and alacrity of a newborn baby. He may as well take his hand-offs in one of these. It would be cute. Colts 30 Jags 24

Pitt +3.5 at Carolina
Not an intriguing Sunday night game at all. So how about the new fall television season? I'm very intrigued by Bad Judge. I wonder what it's about! Here's the trailer: "In a world where women can be judges...they can also be... bad. She upholds the law by day and breaks them at night. She's a judge, AND she's bad. She is....the BAD JUDGE. Thursday's at 9 on NBC!" You've got me, I'm in.
Carolina 24 Pitt 16

Enjoy the games! 

Last week's record: 6-8 (Pacing myself, it's a long season.)  

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