Thursday, September 11, 2014

NFL Week 2 Picks! Chicken Dinners for Everyone!

I'm sorry, I hit the snooze button, where am I? What year is this? Who killed Laura Palmer???

And...we're back. Of course, it's week 2, everyone's favorite NFL gambling week! We now know everything there is to know and can make our wagers with TOTAL CONFIDENCE before Las Vegas properly adjusts the lines. Or something.

Follow me to the huge pile of cash at the end of this column, won't you? No, you first, I insist.

The rarely seen double point! Now, two guys don't
know what to do.
Arizona -2.5 at Giants
The Giants offense looks like 11 guys who just stumbled out of a frat house on a Sunday morning after a 9-day bender. And so much pointing! Everyone pointing every which way and running around in circles like their hair was on fire. They are the student that freaks out during the SATs and just runs out of the room screaming. It’s entertaining, but I can’t take them seriously. Cards 24 Giants 18.  

New England -3.5 at Minnesota
The last place Patriots (that’s fun to write!) stumble north this week to face a feisty Vikings team that looks sneaky good. Corderelelllellelle Patterson apparently plays with a jet pack, which seems patently unfair. Don’t think the NFL will look into it though, they’ve got some other issues this week. The Pats have never started 0-2 under Belicheat. Smart money says that record holds this week. But, I’m not smart and neither are you if you’re reading this, so take the Vikes. The Pats offensive line is atrocious and Tom Brady can’t throw deep anymore. He finds it icky. So glad I drafted him on my fantasy team (like I said, me no smart!). Vikings 27 Patriots 23
Green Bay -8.5 vs. Jets
The Jets eked out an ugly win vs. the Raiders. It was the type of win that Rex Ryan loves, because he’s a dingus who hates offense. Meanwhile, the Green Bay defense is still terrible, so this seems like too many points. I envision a painful Jets loss featuring a blown early lead and some dumb penalties throughout, and some Geno Smith shenanigans while Michael Vick enjoys not getting pummeled on every play. Packers 30 Jets 24

Detroit +2.5 at Carolina
Carolina backup QB Derek Anderson shocked the world by looking like a competent player with a fully functioning arm last week. Post-game he apologized to Browns’ fans, “Um..sorry Cleve about all the sucking! My bad!” He probably caught a break because Tampa prepared to face a good QB (Cam Newton) and was not ready for a terrible one. That can really mess you up. Still, the Lions have too many weapons (players sound so much more dangerous when you call them “weapons”). They should be able to win, unless Jim Caldwell screws it up somehow (very possible) by attempting to blink or show emotion in any way. Stay stoic, Jimbo. Lions 21 Panthers 20 (lock of the week).

Pittsburgh +3.5 at Baltimore
Aahh, just what the NFL needs, Baltimore on Thursday night primetime. This whole thing is more disgraceful than CBS’ fall primetime lineup (ZING!). Last week, the Ravens fans gave Ray Rice a standing ovation before the game. STAY CLASSY, Baltimore. Seriously, if you knew what the end result was from the events in that elevator (and everyone did), wtf are you clapping for? And, to take it further, it shouldn’t have taken the release of the video for the Ravens and the NFL to act. Ray Rice had described exactly what happened already. It’s shameful. Ok, I will now dismount from my high horse….ouch, woah horsey! I’m taking the Steelers here, too much bad mojo coming off of these Ravens and Le'veon Bell may be the best player with a needless apostrophe in his name in the league. It's a caveat, but not as big a one as you might think. Steelers 20 Ravens 1

"At least we won't be 8-8 again this year, right?"
Dallas +3.5 at Tennessee
Oh, sweet Romo, what has become of you? He really is the league’s human piñata. And he’s wearing enough padding on his pulverized ribs that we probably could find room to put some candy in there. It’d be a nice snack for the defensive lineman that rip him to shreds. JJ Watt could use a Clark bar. Tennessee has zero interesting players, but I still think they win this one. But, look for Dez Bryant to yell at someone at some point and then fake an injury. Titans 24 Cowboys 13.

Washington -.5.5 vs. Jacksonville
The Jaguars looked good for about 10 minutes last week and made everyone nervous. No one’s ready for a world where the Jags are good. Not even Jacksonville. D.C.'s leader in receiving yards is someone named Niles Paul. Frankly, that name sounds made up and I don’t believe it. Niles Paul works in I.T. and is coming by to fix my computer right now, you can't fool me! Notice I didn’t say Red$#*# at all in this write up? Take that, Snyder! You're welcome, Indians everywhere. You're also welcome for all the money I dropped at your casinos this past year. I do my part. Redskins 17 Jags 13

Cincy -5 vs. Atlanta
It’s time for my Pet Peeve of the Week! This week my pet peeve is the cast of The Today Show. Why are they always standing outside? Must they block traffic in an already congested city with stupid concerts? No one wants a concert at 8 am besides 12-year-old girls. And, why must they be so happy at 7am? Are they coked up? Go inside and calm down you caffeinated nut jobs.  Bengals 26 Falcons 23

Houston -3 at Oakland
Oof. The good news is there are plenty of seats still available for this one, folks. Strap on the biker gear and Road Warriors’ paint and go enjoy yourselves at the outdoor septic tank known as Oakland Alameda County Coliseum! The Texans will win this and cover by the exact score of I don’t care to who gives a crap.

Denver -13 vs. KC
Well, this line sure escalated quickly. Denver’s offense again looks unstoppable, yet they only won by 7 last week and Peyton missed on just enough passes to make you wonder if he’s slipping just a tad. Chiefs aren’t quite as bad as they looked last week. Take the pointy points here and make something nice with them, perhaps a hat. Broncos 31 Chiefs 21

New Orleans -4 vs. Cleveland
Well, Josh Gordon is still out and Cleveland lost in Week 1 after coming all the way back from 24

Cheer up, you have Lebron! And the Rock n' roll Hall of Fame!
points down because they decided to punt on 4th and 6 from the Steelers 36 yard line. Oh and Ben Tate is hurt already. Might as well call him the Not Very Bendy Tate, am I right? Oh, that’s compelling and rich! Off to another rollicking start in the Cleve! They will regret passing on Sammy Watkins for a long time.
Saints 34 Browns 17

Rams +6 at Bucs
Egads. I'd rather have an hour long conference call with Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless discussing Tim Tebow than watch this game. Ok, maybe not. Still, move it along, nothing to see here.
Bucs 9 Rams 6

49ers -7 vs. Bears
For some reason, people still think the Bears have a good defense. I know I do despite all evidence to the contrary. Something about the cold, and their history says they should have a good D. They do not. 49ers 33 Bears 27

"This coat is not downy fresh! Grr!"
Seahawks -6 at Chargers
We got to see angry and chapped Philip Rivers last week, such a great treat! Facing the Seahawk D, you can expect to see a lot more of it, can't wait. Seahawks 23 Chargers 12

Enjoy the games, everyone!

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