Thursday, October 4, 2012

NFL Week 5 Picks! Plus, Top Ten Reasons the Jets Suck

The 49ers D-line gave birth to a bouncing baby Mark Sanchez on Sunday

After three weeks of terrible NFL picks, I totally redeemed myself, going 12-2 last week. I can resume wearing gold chains and unbuttoning my Hawaiian shirts down to the navel, because that's what good prognosticators do! Who am I kidding, I never stopped. We're back in business, baby! On to the picks. 

Houston -9.5 at Jets
It's time for my annual "Why the Jets Suck" rant, which is coming a few weeks earlier than usual.

Let's do it in a top 10 list format. It's really not all Mark Sanchez's fault. While he's a factor, there are bigger reasons why this is one of the worst Jets teams since the Kotite years:

10) Coaching - Rex Ryan has not only lost weight, he's lost his mind. He's terrible at clock management, and even worse, he keeps several of his better players on the bench (Coples, McKnight) in place of inferior starters. The one thing he is responsible for on this team is the defense, and it's awful.
9) Punting - A team that punts so often should acquire a decent punter, don't ya think? All Jets punters are rejected dancers from "A Chorus Line".
8) Owner - Woody Johnson wants Tebow to start and has also stated he'd be fine with the Jets finishing below .500 if it meant Mitt Romney could win the election. Allow me to retort: As Jets fans we don't give a shit who you want to win the election. We want you to put a decent team on the field, and not a freaking circus. Until you do that...shut your effing cank-hole."
7) Running backs: Shonne Greene would be better suited to be a zombie extra on "The Walking Dead". He's that mobile. 

The always elusive Shonne Greene.
6) Mark Sanchez: He's earned his spot here by not improving at all over 4 seasons.
5) Tim Tebow: Has anyone seen the plays they've run with him? They are hilarious in their futility, and he looks slower than ever. Everytime he runs on the field, the entire offense becomes the Keystone cops...leading to reason 4
4) Tony Sparano: This clown bragged about his Wildcat all offseason, and it's TERRIBLE. Now, all he's done is bring in failed Dolphins like Lex Hilliard, Patrick Turner, Clyde Gates. What, you couldn't get us Pat White, too Tony? You incompetent jackass. Sparano makes Brian Schottenheimer look smart. That is an impossible feat.
3) The Fans: Somehow it's our fault, because we've chosen to watch this crap and support this team financially.
2) The Larry King linebackers: Keeping washed up vets like Bryan Thomas and Bart Scott around has resulted in the Jets having one of the worst linebacking cores in football.
1) GM Mike Tannenbaum: Singularly responsible for awful draft picks (Kyle Wilson, Vernon Gholston), poor trades (Tebow) and ill-advised free agent signings (Plaxico Burress). BRAVO, YOU ASSHAT!
Texans 41 Jets 9

Arizona +1.5 at St. Louis
The poor NFL Network, they get the absolute worst games. You really can't find a less interesting matchup than these two teams. Well, unless Cleveland is involved, but that goes without saying. But, will you watch? OF COURSE YOU WILL. Because you added Andre Roberts to your fantasy team and he will catch 1 ball for 8 yards this week and you will curse your own idiocy. The Cards are the worst and most boring 4-0 team you'll ever see. I'm going mild upset here. Rams 20 Cards 16

Atlanta -3 at Washington
The Falcons are rolling, even though Carolina's Ron Rivera should have got their game ball last week for punting on 4th and 1 with Cam Newton. Rivera used to work under Norv Turner. SHOCKING. Falcons 30 Skins 24

Philly +3.5 at Pittsburgh
Ah, the battle for Pennsylvania bragging rights. Never has there been less at stake. At 1-2, the Steelers need this game more and Big Ben has taken to this season like a backwater Mississippi bar...he's just crushing it, Brosephs. Pitt 23 Philly 17

Ron Rivera gives a PowerPoint
presentation on cowardice.
Giants +10 vs. Cleveland
At this point you just can't ever take the Giants as heavy favorites at home. On the road? Sure. But not in the swamp, even against the Cleve. Giants 28 Cleveland 21

Seattle +3 at Carolina
Everybody off the Russell Wilson bandwagon! The ride is over. Exit carefully down the steps, and the driver does accept tips. Carolina allowed Michael Turner to catch a short pass and run over 60 yards last week. If you can't catch Michael Turner for 60 yards, you should just give up. Ron Rivera has sure validated everyone's skepticism about his ability to be a head coach. Thanks, Ron! Carolina 23 Seahawks 13

Sadly, Russell Wilson has lost his ability
to make guys flip with his mind.

Green Bay -7 at Indy
This spread seems surprisingly low. The Colts just lost to a terrible Jag team at home. If you ever want a good laugh, check out Colts owner Jim Irsay's Twitter account. He's insane, and not the good kind of insane, like 1980s Robin Williams insane. He's like Manson-insane. Check out this tweet from Sept. 26: "Andy Williams dead at 84....DEAD at 84!" You don't have to be all happy about it, jerk. From Sept. 27: "He went to Paris,looking for answers,to questions that bothered him so...some of it's magic..and some of it's tragic!" I mean...WTF? This guy owns a football team. Packers 34 Colts 12

Tennessee +5.5 at Minnesota
Congrats to Chris Johnson for proving he still understands which direction to run on occasion. Minnesota is looking mighty fine this year. Somebody rent a boat and get the lake party started!
Vikings 21 Titans 17

"Ok, 4th quarter, down by's D-Bowe time!"
Baltimore -6 at KC
Another strangely low line considering Kansas City usually gives up 21 points before the coin toss. Garbage time should just be dubbed "Dwayne Bowe time" from now on. There's no better receiver when the game has been decided. An Ed Reed pick 6 is inevitable in this one. Also inevitable? A moving pre-game speech by Ray Lewis in front of the cameras. I wonder if he rehearses those speeches in front of his mirror in the morning. I bet he does using a hairbrush as a microphone.
Ravens 26 Chiefs 10

San Diego +3 at New Orleans
Who dat think they can go 0-5? The Saints do! It's delightful that San Diego is setting itself up for another late season fade where Norv Turner blows it, then signs a contract extension thru 2019. Saints 30 Chargers 28

Denver +7 over New England
OMG, it's Manning vs. Brady! On the same field! Who can we gush over more? Kindly pass me a barf bag, please. None of us deserves this.
Pats 34 Broncos 31

The rest:
Jacksonville +5.5 over Chicago
Cincy -4 over Miami
San Fran -9 over Buffalo

Last Week's record: 12-2
Overall Record: 29-30-2

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