Friday, October 12, 2012

Week 6 NFL Picks! Plus, Reason #245,666 to Hate the Yankees

"Great job pretending to be happy, A-Rod!"
Before we get to the picks, let's talk about baseball real quick. The New York Yankees never cease to amaze me with their perpetual good fortune. This year, they acquired Raul Ibanez, who by all accounts was a cadaver in Philly last year. His value was -2.3 WAR, which means he was one of the worst everyday players in the game. Couldn't run, field or hit. Couldn't even drive I'm told because he'd lost his vision and drove through a Farmer's Market in January. Twenty-nine other teams didn't want him.

Even this year, he only batted .240 for the Yanks, but "hit" 19 homers because anyone could hit 19 homers in the wiffle ball park that is Yankee Stadium. Then, the postseason rolls around and that magical Yankee mojo morphs him into Roy Hobbs. First Scott Brosius, now this. It's really the worst. Meanwhile, the Mets paid Jason Bay 16 million to bat .160 for them this season. Any person considering becoming a Yankee fan should really just look at this GIF and then decide after that.

What I'm really trying to say is ....GO ORIOLES! On to the picks:

Brandon Weeden is heading here soon.
Cincinnati at Cleveland (Off the Board)
Rumor has it this game has been taken off the board by Vegas because the Browns have cut their entire team and are holding open auditions this week. Mark Wahlberg may be returning kicks for them on Sunday. Don't worry, Brandon Weeden is resting comfortably at the Del Boca Vista Retirement Condos. Bengals 26 Browns 12

Detroit +4 at Philly I have a real problem with the whole "half the distance to the goaline" penalties. Why so forgiving with the redistrubution of yards, NFL? Are you commies? Or just worried an embarrasing safety might occur? Safeties are delightful and there should be more of them. I say move that shit back to the 1 yard line and too effing bad, you shouldn't have committed that penalty, cheater.
Eagles 27 Detroit 24.

"Yes, more twirling, now everyone
look confused! I'm a mad genius!"
Indy +3 at Jets
The Jets offense is a freaking Chinese fire drill on bath salts. Just look at this man, Tony Sparano, to the left. Would you trust SuperMario here to run an offense? At any given time there's 32 men in the huddle and not one of them know what the hell they are doing. They may as well hold their huddle in a clown car or the floor of the Stock Exchange. I'll say this, if you want to play Tebow, play him for an entire drive and see what he does, enough with the on-and-off the field every other damn play shenanigans. PICK A SIDE. Jets 16 Colts 10

Oakland +9 at ATL
The Raiders had a bye last week and were missed by absolutely no one. It's too bad the NFL isn't like Premier League soccer where we could demote the terrible teams to the lower leagues. "Sorry, Carson Palmer, you'll be playing the Arizona Rattlers of the Arena League this week." The Raiders spent their bye week visiting all the lovely sites of Oakland. And the other 6.9 days they were drunk.
Falcons 34 Raiders 20

New England -3.5 at Seattle Anyone else watch that Gronkowski piece on ESPN's E-60? What a meathead. I wish he was on the Jets and hate myself for that. Just about every game the Seahawks play is exactly the same....4 of their 5 final scores so far: 16-12, 19-13, 20-16 and 14-12. It's ugly, field-goal filled football. Good luck holding the Patriots under 20. Maybe they should get 'lil Russell Wilson some lifts in his cleats so he can see over the offensive line. Pats 28 Seahawks 17

We are four psychos short here, c'mon fellas! 
Dallas +3.5 at Baltimore
I'm excited to see the movie Seven Psychopaths. I like the theory behind this film, because usually an action movie only has one psychopath, and that character is always the best. So this film will surely be 7 times as good as the normal action movie. It's simple math. I also appreciate them telling me in advance how many psychopaths there will be. I don't like to be caught unawares and then I'm all like, "What, another psychopath? WHY WASN'T I WARNED?!"
Ravens 24 Cowboys 20

Minnesota at Washington (Off the board)
Oof, another off the board game. Come on Vegas, Daddy needs some shoes! This one is off because of Robert Griffin III's hurt noggin'. If one were allowed to invest in someone's future health, and I had an investment in RGIII, right now I'd be saying "SELL, SELL!"

"It's cool, Kyle. No one will remember these fumbles next year."
NYG +5 at San Fran
The NFC Championship rematch. The 49ers are getting some huge love here, but this line is too high.  Kyle Williams will be having some Jacob's Ladder like 'Nam like flashbacks in this one. Someone should hold his hand.
49ers 28 Giants 27

Houston -3.5 vs. Green Bay

The Texans have to lose sometime, and they actually didn't look very good against the Jets last week. Packers 31 Texans 27

Kansas City +3.5 at Tampa
The Chief fans apparently cheered after Matt Cassel was injured last week. I expect that kind of behavior from Philly, but not the fine people of KC, which is renowned for its good bbq, gentle nature and consummate gentlemen. Shame on you guys. Tampa 20 KC 14

"This frustrated smirk will distract people
from my infuriated forehead."
San Diego -1.5 vs. Denver
It's becoming alarming how red Peyton Manning's head gets after removing his helmet. Can someone get him a different helmet? Maybe one like this? Chargers 27 Broncos 20

Buffalo +4.5 at Arizona Buffalo can't stop the run, but lucky for them just about every Arizona running back is hurt. I hear Johnny Johnson may start for them this week. I say the resistable object loses to the movable force in an upset.
Bills 23 Cards 20

St. Louis +3.5 at Miami
Two plucky teams meet up here in a game that not many will watch. This rookie Rams kicker Zuerlein is something, though. Look for some hot field goal action down in Miami this weekend and dress accordingly.  Dolphins 20 Rams 16

Last Week's record: 4-10 (facepalm) 
Overall Record: 33-40-2

Stay frosty, everybody!

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