Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The NFL Is Back Y'all!

Sweet baby Jesus in a manger the NFL IS BACK! God bless us all. The season kicks off tonight with the Giants and Cowboys. Notice it's a Wednesday night. Why Wednesday? Because the NFL does whatever the hell it wants and ASKS QUESTIONS LATER. Each year brings us ever closer to 7-days a week of NFL action. It will happen. Roger Goodell will not rest until we have an 82-game schedule and robot referees. He may be a pompous, power-hungry jerk, but you have to respect his willingness to endanger every player in the league for our entertainment.

This offseason featured a lot of coaching and player changes that should affect how I pick the week 1 games (if I'd been paying much attention, which I have not). Here's all you really need to know about the NFL's biggest offseason storylines:

1) OMG, Peyton Manning is back and his neck almost works again and he will lead the Broncos to the promised land!
2) Andrew Luck is the finest rookie QB of all time. In his part time he's an architect (and city planner) and will lead the Colts to the Super Bowl! Colts fans do not deserve this good fortune at all.
3) The Jets traded two draft picks for Tim Tebow, who will run a Wildcat offense that went out of style two years ago when the league figured out how to stop it....yes, two draft picks.
4) Aaron Rodgers is back and angry and he is going to discount double-check your ass.
5) The 49ers are great, but still have Alex Smith, so they are not great.
6) The New Orleans Saints have been very, very bad boys, but now have a chip on their shoulder (and a new bounty on the Commish) and are back, even though they never left.
7) The Seahawks signed QB Matt Flynn for $20 million and aren't going to start him because Pete Carroll is "smart" and Russell Wilson played well against some third string scrubs during the preseason.
8) Tom Brady found a new stylist and simply cannot stop talking about him. He's to die for!
9) The Chicago Bears have decided to reunite the legendary Jay Cutler-Brandon Marshall tandem that won 7 games one year. No one's been this excited since Air Supply got back together.
10) In a story that defies all logic and reason and is perhaps a crime against all that is good and decent in the world, Norv Turner is still the coach of the San Diego Chargers.
"Dude, we're almost holding hands."
"I know and who dimmed the lights?" 
Of course, player safety also remains a big issue, and there are some new rules that the NFL has wisely implemented. But, I think many of you may not be aware how strange they are. Here's a brief rundown of some of them:

1) To avoid heavy collisions on kick-off returns, teams can now kick off from the opponent's 9 yard line. There should be even more touchbacks this year.
2) When a player makes a tackle, he's required to say to the opposing player, "I'm so sorry about this."
3) Teams are no longer allowed to sack Tom Brady. Ever. If defenders get within 3 feet, Brady is allowed to lie in the fetal position, and they must then caress his hair lovingly and whisper sweet nothings to him.
4) On punt returns, the punt returner can say "Invisible Force Field!" and no one is allowed to touch him for 44 seconds.
5) If a defensive player launches himself into a defenseless receiver, he will not only receive a 15-yard penalty and be ejected from the game - he'll also be launched from the stadium grounds via catapult.

After just reading them again, I think these rules could use some tweaking.

On to the first game.... as a reminder I went a pretty, pretty, pretty good 107-78-9 against the spread last year. That was light years better than some supposed experts (ahem, Bill Simmons, Peter King, etc.). I also did a fine job on my playoff picks and my Super Bowl prop bets. What I'm trying to say is...YOU'RE WELCOME. This year I vow to surpass those numbers, even if it means I have to lie about them.

This play went just as planned.
NY Giants -4 vs. Dallas These kick-off games are won by the defending champ every year in convincing fashion. The average score of these games is 49-3 (FACT). Something about being declared champs of the world and getting presented with a shiny ring makes players really care for one week of the regular season. Who among us doesn't like free bling? This year should be no different, except that Tony Romo will play really well, but then still find a way to make a boneheaded play that ruins a close game. Also, Miles Austin's hamstring will fly off his body at some point grossing everyone out. Giants 30 - Cowboyz 23

Enjoy the game...more picks to come Friday!

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