Week 3 NFL Picks! Welcome to Suspensionville

Yes, welcome to the bucolic town of Suspensionville: where running backs go to get away from life's little whoopsies. Take a leisurely stroll down O.J. Simpson Boulevard and don't forget to check out the posh Jim Brown Hotel, where all the balconies can be used as exits. 

Have to give it to the NFL though, they've unveiled a new motto this week that's sure to appease the masses:  "THE NFL...where you can hit anyone until the game actually starts. Then we throw flags." It may need some work. On to the picks! 

Dallas -1.5 at St. Louis 

Hey, the Cowboys are back on pace for an 8-8 season. The universe is at peace once again. The Rams should really just go back to L.A. at this point. They can all take the bus out here and then emerge from it on Sunset Blvd. like Missouri farm girls with stars in their eyes. You know, just like that Poison song. Cowboys 26 Rams 20 

Baltimore -1.5 at Cleveland 
The clamoring for Johnny Football has begun, and I applaud it. A lot of people take pleasure in watching Heisman winners fail in the NFL. I usually don't, but this time I'll make an exception. 

Ravens 17 Browns 14  

See Jets? Jordy Nelson can be covered! Take notes! 

Green Bay +2.5 at Detroit 

Late memo to Rex Ryan: You may want to put a couple guys on this Jordy Nelson fellow. He likes to catch the "football" on a play called "every pass play" and then he run fast towards a place that gives you 6 points known as the "end zone."  Lions 38 Packers 34. 

New Orleans -10 vs. Minnesota

Time for the Pet Peeve of the Week! This week, it's the guy behind me at a concert shouting like a schoolgirl watching One Direction. Chill out, man! I went to see a show last night and this asshat behind me is screaming in my ear after every song, "WOOOHOO! YEAH! HELL YEAH!" First of all buddy, you're not at a Metallica concert, it's freaking Neutral Milk Hotel. Secondly, we're nine miles from the stage, no one can hear you except the people in your section. By the way, if you've never heard a 7-minute theremin solo or seen a guy perform "air theremin" along with it, you haven't really lived. Saints 31 Vikings 13 

Houston -2 at New York

When you are giving points to Ryan Fitzpatrick at home something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. Victor Cruz needs a more depressing TD dance for these sorry Giants. No more salsa, perhaps a sad little ballet move from "Swan Lake." Giants 19 Texans 17 

Nothing unusual going on here. Every office does this!

New England -14.5 over Oakland 
Woah, that's a spicy meatball of a point spread right there. Not sure Brady is wearing enough Ascot to cover this one. Patriots 31 Raiders 20. 

Tennessee +7 at Cincinnati 
Everyone is hopping aboard the Ginger train this year as the Bengals look formidable. It will all end in round 1 playoffs when Dalton throws 9 picks in the first quarter, but let's enjoy the ride for now. See you in the dining car for pinochle! 

Bengals 27 Titans 10 

Bills -2.5 vs. Chargers
Quality win for the Chargers over Seattle last week, and the Bills are somehow 2-0. This is what's known as a "stay-away" game. This game should have a restraining order on it. Still, why not believe in the Bills for one more week and enjoy rooting against Rivers. Bills 24 Chargers 21. 

Dolphins -4 vs. Chiefs 

This one seems too easy, the Chiefs had a cake schedule last year and are just not good without a healthy Jamaal Charles.  Dolphins 24 Chiefs 14 

Broncos +4.5 at Seahawks 

Hey, look, a Superbowl rematch! Will Peyton suffer 'Nam like flashbacks in this one? "Peyton, you're flying too low over Macho Grande! Pull up, Pull up! You'll have to decide...ahh" You're not fooling me again, Broncos. Seahawks 28 Broncos 20 

Washington +6 at Eagles

So the Eagles now have McCoy plus a rejuvenated Darren Sproles. It's kind of not fair, but you have to remember they also have Mark Sanchez on the bench. It'll even out at some point. 

Eagles 28 Redskins 27 

Bears +2.5 at Jets
Crushing loss for the Jets last week as "the Timeout game" takes its place in Jets' lore next to the "Buttfumble," "Marino's fake spike" and "Gastineau's Folly". Ahh, so much tradition. Still, it's not easy to win two night games in a row on the road. That's how I convince myself to foolishly take the Jets here. By the way, I'm sure steroids were not involved at all in this Gastineau sack dance. 

Jets 24 Bears 23 

49ers -3 at Arizona 

The fun stops here for Arizona I'm afraid. It would be nice if Colin Kaepernick realizes the 2nd half of the game counts as much as the 1st half. Niners 27 Cards 20.

Colts -7 at Jags 

It took what felt like years, but the Colts may finally realize Trent Richardson has the speed, body

"2.2 yards, here I come!"

control and alacrity of a newborn baby. He may as well take his hand-offs in one of these. It would be cute. Colts 30 Jags 24

Pitt +3.5 at Carolina
Not an intriguing Sunday night game at all. So how about the new fall television season? I'm very intrigued by Bad Judge. I wonder what it's about! Here's the trailer: "In a world where women can be judges...they can also be... bad. She upholds the law by day and breaks them at night. She's a judge, AND she's bad. She is....the BAD JUDGE. Thursday's at 9 on NBC!" You've got me, I'm in.
Carolina 24 Pitt 16

Enjoy the games! 

Last week's record: 6-8 (Pacing myself, it's a long season.)  

NFL Week 2 Picks! Chicken Dinners for Everyone!

I'm sorry, I hit the snooze button, where am I? What year is this? Who killed Laura Palmer???

And...we're back. Of course, it's week 2, everyone's favorite NFL gambling week! We now know everything there is to know and can make our wagers with TOTAL CONFIDENCE before Las Vegas properly adjusts the lines. Or something.

Follow me to the huge pile of cash at the end of this column, won't you? No, you first, I insist.

The rarely seen double point! Now, two guys don't
know what to do.

Arizona -2.5 at Giants

The Giants offense looks like 11 guys who just stumbled out of a frat house on a Sunday morning after a 9-day bender. And so much pointing! Everyone pointing every which way and running around in circles like their hair was on fire. They are the student that freaks out during the SATs and just runs out of the room screaming. It’s entertaining, but I can’t take them seriously. Cards 24 Giants 18.  

New England -3.5 at Minnesota

The last place Patriots (that’s fun to write!) stumble north this week to face a feisty Vikings team that looks sneaky good. Corderelelllellelle Patterson apparently plays with a jet pack, which seems patently unfair. Don’t think the NFL will look into it though, they’ve got some other issues this week. The Pats have never started 0-2 under Belicheat. Smart money says that record holds this week. But, I’m not smart and neither are you if you’re reading this, so take the Vikes. The Pats offensive line is atrocious and Tom Brady can’t throw deep anymore. He finds it icky. So glad I drafted him on my fantasy team (like I said, me no smart!). Vikings 27 Patriots 23

Green Bay -8.5 vs. Jets

The Jets eked out an ugly win vs. the Raiders. It was the type of win that Rex Ryan loves, because he’s a dingus who hates offense. Meanwhile, the Green Bay defense is still terrible, so this seems like too many points. I envision a painful Jets loss featuring a blown early lead and some dumb penalties throughout, and some Geno Smith shenanigans while Michael Vick enjoys not getting pummeled on every play. Packers 30 Jets 24

Detroit +2.5 at Carolina

Carolina backup QB Derek Anderson shocked the world by looking like a competent player with a fully functioning arm last week. Post-game he apologized to Browns’ fans, “Um..sorry Cleve about all the sucking! My bad!” He probably caught a break because Tampa prepared to face a good QB (Cam Newton) and was not ready for a terrible one. That can really mess you up. Still, the Lions have too many weapons (players sound so much more dangerous when you call them “weapons”). They should be able to win, unless Jim Caldwell screws it up somehow (very possible) by attempting to blink or show emotion in any way. Stay stoic, Jimbo. Lions 21 Panthers 20 (lock of the week).

 

Pittsburgh +3.5 at Baltimore

Aahh, just what the NFL needs, Baltimore on Thursday night primetime. This whole thing is more disgraceful than CBS’ fall primetime lineup (ZING!). Last week, the Ravens fans gave Ray Rice a standing ovation before the game. STAY CLASSY, Baltimore. Seriously, if you knew what the end result was from the events in that elevator (and everyone did), wtf are you clapping for? And, to take it further, it shouldn’t have taken the release of the video for the Ravens and the NFL to act. Ray Rice had described exactly what happened already. It’s shameful. Ok, I will now dismount from my high horse….ouch, woah horsey! I’m taking the Steelers here, too much bad mojo coming off of these Ravens and Le'veon Bell may be the best player with a needless apostrophe in his name in the league. It's a caveat, but not as big a one as you might think. Steelers 20 Ravens 1

"At least we won't be 8-8 again this year, right?"

Dallas +3.5 at Tennessee

Oh, sweet Romo, what has become of you? He really is the league’s human piñata. And he’s wearing enough padding on his pulverized ribs that we probably could find room to put some candy in there. It’d be a nice snack for the defensive lineman that rip him to shreds. JJ Watt could use a Clark bar. Tennessee has zero interesting players, but I still think they win this one. But, look for Dez Bryant to yell at someone at some point and then fake an injury. Titans 24 Cowboys 13.

Washington -.5.5 vs. Jacksonville
The Jaguars looked good for about 10 minutes last week and made everyone nervous. No one’s ready for a world where the Jags are good. Not even Jacksonville. D.C.'s leader in receiving yards is someone named Niles Paul. Frankly, that name sounds made up and I don’t believe it. Niles Paul works in I.T. and is coming by to fix my computer right now, you can't fool me! Notice I didn’t say Red$#*# at all in this write up? Take that, Snyder! You're welcome, Indians everywhere. You're also welcome for all the money I dropped at your casinos this past year. I do my part. Redskins 17 Jags 13

Cincy -5 vs. Atlanta
It’s time for my Pet Peeve of the Week! This week my pet peeve is the cast of The Today Show. Why are they always standing outside? Must they block traffic in an already congested city with stupid concerts? No one wants a concert at 8 am besides 12-year-old girls. And, why must they be so happy at 7am? Are they coked up? Go inside and calm down you caffeinated nut jobs.  Bengals 26 Falcons 23

Houston -3 at Oakland
Oof. The good news is there are plenty of seats still available for this one, folks. Strap on the biker gear and Road Warriors’ paint and go enjoy yourselves at the outdoor septic tank known as Oakland Alameda County Coliseum! The Texans will win this and cover by the exact score of I don’t care to who gives a crap.

Denver -13 vs. KC

Well, this line sure escalated quickly. Denver’s offense again looks unstoppable, yet they only won by 7 last week and Peyton missed on just enough passes to make you wonder if he’s slipping just a tad. Chiefs aren’t quite as bad as they looked last week. Take the pointy points here and make something nice with them, perhaps a hat. Broncos 31 Chiefs 21

New Orleans -4 vs. Cleveland
Well, Josh Gordon is still out and Cleveland lost in Week 1 after coming all the way back from 24

Cheer up, you have Lebron! And the Rock n' roll Hall of Fame!

points down because they decided to punt on 4^th and 6 from the Steelers 36 yard line. Oh and Ben Tate is hurt already. Might as well call him the Not Very Bendy Tate, am I right? Oh, that’s compelling and rich! Off to another rollicking start in the Cleve! They will regret passing on Sammy Watkins for a long time.
Saints 34 Browns 17

Rams +6 at Bucs
Egads. I'd rather have an hour long conference call with Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless discussing Tim Tebow than watch this game. Ok, maybe not. Still, move it along, nothing to see here.

Bucs 9 Rams 6

49ers -7 vs. Bears
For some reason, people still think the Bears have a good defense. I know I do despite all evidence to the contrary. Something about the cold, and their history says they should have a good D. They do not. 49ers 33 Bears 27

"This coat is not downy fresh! Grr!"

Seahawks -6 at Chargers

We got to see angry and chapped Philip Rivers last week, such a great treat! Facing the Seahawk D, you can expect to see a lot more of it, can't wait. Seahawks 23 Chargers 12

Enjoy the games, everyone!

NFL Week 10 Picks...With Horatio Caine

This week we are fortunate to have fictional character Horatio Caine from CSI Miami fame with us. Cain does two things well, solve crime and pick games. And he's all out of crimes. It'll be short and to the point and it is important to imagine him looking off into the distance and then putting his sunglasses on at the end of each pick. Take it away, Horatio...

Eagles +1 at Green Bay
"As I look at this game I see one big problem. Green Bayyyyyy....doesn't have their quarterback. And they're gonna need one." YEAHHHH   Eagles 27 Packers 23

Bills +3 at Steelers
"The Steelers were smoked by New England last week...and where there's smoke...there's fire." YEAHHH
Bills 26 Steelers 24

Raiders +7.5 at Giants
"The verdict may be in on these teams. But the jury....is out." YEAHHH
Giants 30 Raiders 20

Jaguars +12 at Tennessee 
Horatio: "How many players are on the Jaguars, Frank?
Detective Frank: "45. Why?"
Horatio: "Because.... that's exactly how many body bags we're going to need here." YEAHHH
Titans 23 Jags 16

Rams +9.5 at the Colts 
If you can't pass the ball in the National Football League...you're as good as dead. And these Rams...are 6 feet under." YEAHHH
Colts 31 Rams 17

Houston +2.5 at Arizona
This match-up may look like a train wreck on paper...but this was no accident. The NFL schedule makers... have struck again." YEAHHH
Cards 17 Texans 14

Redskins -2.5 at Minnesota
"Both teams want to win this...so what we have established here...is motive." YEAHHH
Skins 28 Vikings 27

Bengals -1.5 at Ravens 
"It looks like the Ravens have been left for dead...or maybe...they are just really, really tired." YEAHHH
Bengals 20 Ravens 10

Broncos -7 at San Diego
"If throwing touchdowns is a crime, and I'm pretty sure it is, Peyton Manning just became public enemy #1." YEAHHH
Broncos 34 Chargers 31

Cowboys +7 at New Orleans
"Well, well, what do we have here? It's time for some interrogations, because these Saints...are no choir boys." YEAHHH
Saints 38 Cowboys 35

Seahawks -6 at Atlanta 
"Seattle may be the suicide capital of the country...but this will be a case of manslaughter...in the first degree. No wait...second degree." YEAHHH
Seahawks 24 Falcons 20

Dolphins -3 at Tampa Bay
"There's only one city in Florida that matters...and it doesn't rhyme with Bampa Tay." YEAHHH
Dolphins 16 Tampa 9

Lions pick'em at Bears
"Jay Cutler has gone all stabby stab stab on the Bears' dreams  for years...and it ends now." YEAHHH
Lions 34 Bears 28

Panthers +6.5 at San Fran 
"Carolina is the hottest team in the league and will give the Niners all they can handle...What? I can do real analysis, too. When San Fran goes read option, Carolina will respond by blitzing the A and B gaps..." YEAHHH
49ers 27 Panthers 24

Week 9 NFL Picks & Jets' Mid-Season Award Winners

Before the NFL picks, let's hand out some awards for the Jets' best and worst performances over the first half of the season. Not surprisingly for a 4-4 team, there are an equal number of each. Drum roll please... 

"Ouch! My shoulder is now
separated."

The Joe Willy Namath Award for Most Valuable Player: Muhammad Wilkerson
The 3rd year lineman has been phenomenal and leads the defense with 7 sacks. Attempting to block him one-on-one is virtually impossible. He treats offensive linemen as if they are swinging doors. When the season is over, he'll be on his way to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl. Honorable mention: Nick Folk

The Bubby Brister Award for Least Valuable Player: Santonio Holmes 
Holmes' actual mailing address is Jets' Disabled List. After all, it's where he lives. The Jets were counting on him to finally live up to his big contract, but the mercurial wideout apparently heals slower than an octogenerian with osteoporosis. Take your time Santonio, don't push it.  Put your feet up and rest awhile and let the checks roll in. That's sound advice from Holmes' agent. Honorable mention: Entire offensive line. 

The Freeman McNeil Award for Most Underrated Perfomance: Antonio Allen
For a safety that barely won the job out of the preseason, Allen has been a welcome addition to the secondary. He's made plays to stop the run at the line of scrimmage and has been asked to cover tough tight ends like Rob Gronkowski one-on-one and held his own. And, for the record, people do really forget how good and how consistent Freeman McNeil was. Look at these numbers. 

The Antonio Cromartie Award for Most Overrated Performance: Antonio Cromartie 
What a shocker. Every year, Cromartie receives lots of credit for being an elite cover corner from NFL experts, announcers and coaches. But, is it really deserved? He flirts with a pass interference call every time the ball is thrown his way. Last week in Cincinnati he was burned repeatedly and not for the first time. When he trails a receiver by several steps and a quarterback luckily overthrows that receiver (looking at you, Tom Brady), he acts like he did something special. He also has zero interceptions on the year. In other words, it's been a vintage Cromartie season.

The Vidal Sassoon Award for Best Hair on the Sideline: Mark Sanchez 

"They can take my job, but
the'll never take this hair." 

This one is self-explanatory. That hair could start a war one day. Or end one.  

The Mark Gastineau Award for Player Most Likely to Receive a Horrible, Ill-timed Penalty: Willie Colon 
Colon has received seven penalties in only eight games, which places him 4th overall in the NFL. If Colon continues to get playing time, it's a good bet he'll take the lead very soon. It's good to have goals, though. Honorable mention: Kyle Wilson. 

The Curtis Martin Award for Best Running Back: N/A 
We are still accepting applications for this award. No current Jet running back averages more than 4 yards per carry. 

The Blair Thomas Award for Most Disappointing Running Back: It's a four-way tie right now, let's check back later. 

The James Earl Jones Award for the Guy We All Thought Was Dead But Somehow Isn't: David Harris
I really thought James Earl Jones was dead. Was I the only one? But, there he is in those Sprint commercials. Is it a hologram? If he is alive, good for him. Similarly, after looking like a Walking Dead extra last year, David Harris leads the team in tackles and tackles for loss. It's been a big bounce back year for the 7th year linebacker. 

Roger Vick was a draft steal...
when compared with Vernon Gholston.

The Johnny "Lam" Jones/Roger Vick/Vernon Gholston Award for Biggest Possible Draft Bust: Stephen Hill 
The Jets have had some big time busts, so I couldn't give this category one name. It's year two and the improvement has been minimal from Hill. Here are a few players that were still on the board when the Jets drafted Hill in the second round in 2012: Alshon Jeffery, Lavonte David, Russell Wilson, Rueben Randle, T.Y. Hilton, LaMichael James, Marvin "4 TD" Jones and Andre Ellington. Would the Jets take a straight up trade of any of those players for Hill today? Quicker than you can say "abso-tively." Honorable mention: Dee Milliner. 

The Ray Finkle Award for Most Disturbing Performance: Geno Smith
Just like Finkle was Einhorn and Einhorn was Finkle, Geno Smith is a good quarterback and he is also a terrible quarterback. This is what you get with rookies. Opposing cornerbacks will be sending him some nice gift baskets for all those generous pick-sixes he throws. 

Play like you mean it, but
coach like you're on meth.

The Rich Kotite Award for Making the Most People Say,  "Are You Serious?": Rex Ryan 
Rex Ryan could win this award for using his coach's challenges like he's addicted to the high of using them, or for his poor clock management. But, instead he narrowly beat himself out with his inexplicable decision to kick a field goal in the third quarter while down 35 to 6 to the Bengals last week. That one took the cake. They really needed to cut the deficit to 26 points? Are you serious? Was he trying to cover a 27-point spread that only he knew about? Who else wants to hear his acceptance speech on this one? 

The Pat Leahy Award for Best Kicker: Nick Folk 
Sure, this is a narrow category, but Folk has earned this with a perfect season so far. Three things you can count on in this world are death, taxes and Nick Folk knocking it through the uprights after the Jets have failed to execute in the red zone. 

Week 9 Picks: 
Falcons +8 over Falcons
Cowboys -10.5 over Vikings
Saints -6.5 over Jets
Bills +3.5 over Chiefs
Rams +3 over Titans
Redskins +1,5 over Chargers
Eagles +3 over Raiders
Seahawks -16 over Bucs
Steelers +7 over Patriots
Colts -3 over Texans
Bears +11 over Green Bay
Browns +3 over Ravens

Last week's picks: 7-6 

Week 8 NFL Picks: Return of the Deep Dish 2: A Dish Too Deep

"Rejoice, for the Deep Dish has returned!"

"So, at last we meet, for the first time, for the last time." 

Welcome to the return of THE DEEP DISH! Oh how you've missed me, and oh how I've been missed by you. You may want to ask where the first 7 weeks of NFL picks are. Tread lightly, my friend. Actually, it's a bit rude of you to ask that and I'll thank you to stay out of my affairs! Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and blame it all on the government shutdown (shakes fist angrily!). That's right, your Congress deprived you of the Deep Dish for three and one-half fortnights. Write your representative today! Preferably via the ye old postal service, because they need the business.

But, what a season it's been so far, hasn't it? I find the best way to sum up 7 weeks of football is through the use of one extremely long run-on once sentence, so here we go: Literally 80 percent of the league is injured (don't fact check this), Tom Brady sucks now and it's great fun for all (please do fact check this), the 49ers and Seahawks are still excellent, but not unbeatable, Peyton Manning's neck-roids are working amazingly well, the Giants are terrible, the Jaguars are historically terrible, Geno Smith is at the very least better than Mark Sanchez, the Cowboys are actually not that bad, the Chiefs cannot be this good, Greg Schiano is hilariously incompetent, the Browns are now starting Jason Campbell (what year is this?), poor Matt Schaub is so washed up that fans are sitting on his lawn with signs, Matt Barkley actually played in an NFL game and it went as you would expect and the Raiders remain great comic relief. All caught up? Good, let's get to the picks.

Panthers -7 at Bucs (written yesterday, I totally swear) 
Word has it that the NFL will issue an apology prior to kickoff for the mere existence of this game. As well they should. Here are 5 things you can watch tonight that will be better than this game: 1) Ron Burgundy Durango commercials on continuous loop 2) Gatti-Ward Legendary Nights Special on HBO 3) Grey's Anatomy (just kidding, that's much worse) 4) Reign (not sure what this is, I'm just reading random shows off my channel guide now) 5) Bride of Chucky on AMC. Notice I left off the World Series game because both the Red Sox and Cards are just unbearable. Ooooh, you all grew beards, how creative, what a true TEAM! You know what would be better than growing beards? Don't shower for like a month straight and go on a peyote diet. Now that's TEAMWORK. See how cute the press thinks you are then. Panthers 20 Bucs 9

49ers -16.5 at Jacksonville
In a fit of rage, Jim Harbaugh will challenge his own challenge flag this week, causing a cataclysmic,

"I told you to poke eye holes.
Now, you just look ridiculous."

paradoxical event that will tear a gaping hole in the space-time continuum, which changes all life as we know it. But the Jags still won't cover. Niners 37 Jags 7

Chiefs -7 vs. Cleveland
In his 2nd season, the youthful 41-year-old Brandon Weeden's career appears over. It feels like just yesterday he was drafted, but it was actually 1991. The Browns were still smart to draft him though. Age is something that can't be taught. Now it's Jason Campbell's time to shine. Campbell is living proof that one undefeated season in college can lead to years of occasional NFL employment. There's hope Tebow, there's hope.
Chiefs 24 Browns 13

Growing bored with success,
Drew Brees will complete a pass
to 4 lucky fans this week.

Saints -11.5 vs. Buffalo 
The Bills have been sneaky good the last couple of weeks. Their skullduggery shan't continue though. This week, Drew Brees will complete a pass to a record 48 different receivers to fully achieve his lifelong goal to torment fantasy owners everywhere. Saints 38 Bills 26

Jets +6 at Cincinnati 
I was really hoping the Jets would be awful this year so I could just ignore them. It appeared that would happen. No such luck. Now, they are playing just well enough, showing just enough promise in order to fill the fan base up with hope and bring us all back in. Make us believe again. Then around week 17, the sledgehammer falls. They are diabolical. Bengals 27 Jets 20.

Pittsburgh -3 at Oakland 
The Steelers will win this game, sparking a lot of "The Steelers are Back!" stories. Anyone who reads those stories will immediately regret it. Steelers 16 Raiders 12

Cowboys +3 at Detroit 
Over the years, Tony Romo has won me over. The narrative that he is a choke artist is foolish. Does he screw up in the clutch? Sometimes, yes. But, he also wins. He's not Peyton Manning or Drew Brees, and few are...actually only 2 are. This Cowboys team is flying under the radar, which is almost impossible for a team that plays inside a space ship with an android as an owner. Dallas 34 Lions 31

Halftime! Let's dance! Say what you will about Kings of Leon, and "Sex on Fire" is maybe the worst song ever, but this song is good:

Dolphins +7 at Patriots
Geno Smith is completing a higher percentage of passes than Tom Brady. He also has a better yards per.

"Come back, Wes. I need you!"

attempt. Let that sink in. It's pretty funny when Pats fans, players and coaches whined over last week's correctly called penalty. A franchise that benefited from the Tuck rule is never allowed to complain about anything until at least the year 2073. Miami 23 Patriots 20

Broncos -13 vs. Washington
The NFL's best passing offense against it's worst passing defense. This should be fun. But, RG3 just put up 45 points against a good Chicago defense. Here are some ideas to replace the offensive Redskins name, should they desire:
Washington Bullets (can't believe no one's EVER thought of this)
Washington Willy Nillies
Washington Cherokees
Washington Ham & Cheese Sandwiches (mmm)
Washington Monuments (sounds so powerful!)
Washington Tropics
Washington Demon Districters
Washington Whosiwhatsits
Denver 38 Skins 28

Atlanta +2 at Arizona
I mean really, who cares? Matty Ice needs a new nickname, perhaps Matty Zima. He's sullying the name of a classy beer like Natty Ice. Who else misses Julio Jones? He's left a void in us all.
Falcons 27 Cards 24

"You there..I'm just going to toss it
up haphazardly, don't intercept me!"

Giants +5 at Philly 
For the 90th time, it's the return of Mike Vick. And this time, it's not personal at all. Would it kill Tom Coughlin to punch one of his players? We all know he wants to do it. At this point, it would be cathartic. Philly 31 Giants 30

Packers -9.5 at Minnesota 
During this game, clueless Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier will screw up at a crucial moment when he yells at his quarterback "Omaha, Omaha, wombat, 44!" because he heard Peyton Manning yell that on tv one time and it seemed to work for him. Packers 31 Vikings 17

Seahawks -11.5 at St. Louis 

Pete Carroll showing off the arm
that forced him into his career as
coach/cheerleader. 

Rumor has it, Pete Carroll will dress like a cheerleader for this game. Not for Halloween, it's just a life-long dream of his. No one cheers like Pete. Sam "Glass" Bradford is hurt again, but St. Louis has been working on a dynamic new offense where they snap the ball and run really fast in the wrong direction. It could present problems for the Seahawk D. Seattle 26 St. Louis 10

Super Bowl Prop Bets: Will Ray Lewis Cry? Hell Yes, He Will

The big game is here. Before breaking it down, let us all bask for a moment in the warm glow that is a Patriot-less Super Bowl. They are rare occurrences not to be taken for granted. There will be no Brady on Sunday, no Bellichick, no Welker, no Robert Kraft, no Gronkowski bro-ing it up in the sky-box. And that's a GREAT THING.

Yet, we still must suffer through one more day of Ray Lewis antics. It's no easy road for us, the brave viewer who must witness his shenanigans. You can bet he will leave all the antics he has left on that field, for he is a warrior of drama.

We also must deal with 49er fans. Not to generalize, but here's a quick rundown of every 49er fan in existence: they are unbearable bandwagon fans that couldn't name 3 players on the team two weeks ago. They will tell you they knew all along Colin Kaepernick should start over Alex Smith, and they also can't say what college he even atttended. As they fiddle with the chains on their skinny jeans, they will tell you Jim Harbaugh is a genius and that the Giants are going to win the World Series again next year. If they utter the phrase "Fear the Beard," or dare flex their bicep like Kaepernick, you have my permission to dump a five layer dip on their heads.

Will Jim Harbaugh make a referee cry? Odds: 1-1.

Prop Bets Galore!
Hey, did you know you can bet on virtually anything to do with Sunday's game? In fact, I've already made a wager on how many wagers you will make. Let's step into my betting chamber and explore the many rich delights that await us!

Coin Flip: Heads -105 vs. Tails -105
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. TAILS NEVER FAILS*.

*may fail 50% of time

Over/Under on number of times "Harbaugh" will be said: 21.5
Easiest bet on the board. They'll hit the over on this mid-way through the first quarter when Joe Buck says "Flacco drops back to pass....oh God I can't resist, Harbaugh, Harbaugh, so much toughness, so many Harbaughhhhhs!"

Over/Under on length of post-game hug between Harbaugh bros: 7.5 seconds
Anything over 3 seconds becomes awkward very quickly. Hug for more than 5 seconds and you're essentially saying, "let's take this hug back to my locker room and see where it leads."

Interesting fact: Ray Lewis's pregame dance routine counts
as 4 made tackles.

Over/under on tackles for Ray Lewis: 11.5
If Ray Lewis is in on the field, he gets credit for tackles. If another Ravens player clearly makes the tackle by himself, Lewis gets credit for a half tackle because his leadership allowed said player to make that tackle. If Lewis is not on the field, he still gets credit, because he totally would have tackled that guy. Over.
 
Over/Under on how long it takes Alicia Keys to sing National Anthem 2 minutes, 15 seconds.
Another shockingly easy over bet. At the 2 minute mark, Alicia will still be singing about the dawn's early light.

Will Alicia Keys add one word to the National Anthem?
Now this is a fun one. You never know, Keys could sing "and the bombs bursting in the air..jabronis..!" This would be an easier bet if Michael Jackson were singing, because you know he'd throw in a "Jam-on!" toward the end. Likewise, Bruce Springsteen would slip in a "mister" or a "sister" or a "darlin'".  Maybe stay away from this one.



Will Randy Moss say something stupid in postgame
press conference. Odds 5/4.

Player Over/Unders:
Receiving Yards by Torrey Smith: 61.5
Smith is a big play guy, take the over.

Rushing Yards by Ray Rice: 65.5
I like Rice, but his backup Bernard Pierce has actually looked better than him in the postseason. Take the under here.

Total receptions by Randy Moss: 2.5
Moss has caught more than 2 passes in only 5 out of his last 18 games. Under.


Total receptions by Anquan Boldin: 4.5
Boldin is a crafty vet, and he excels in catching poorly thrown balls thanks to his background with the Arizona Cardinals. Over.

Total rushing yards by LaMichael James: 25.5
James is half man/half scooter, and he will make a big play at some point. Over

Was Tebow acquired by Baltimore
this week? No one is saying.

Who will score the first touchdown?:
On a bet like this, it's fun to take a longshot. That's why I've taken Tim Tebow at 100,000 to one odds. It's just good business. If you want to play it "smart" like a wuss, then go with Dennis Pitta at 12 to 1 or Kaepernick at 8 to 1.

The game: Niners -3.5 over Baltimore
I almost forgot, we can even bet on the actual game. Yeah, not as fun. The Ravens seem to be the popular pick as this line opened at -5. Both teams should be able to move the ball just enough on each other's defense. The Niners don't want to get into a field goal contest, since their kicker has a case of the shanks. Also, is Kaepernick really ready for this stage? The only QB to win a Super Bowl with so few starts in NFL history is Jeff Hostetler. And that was thanks to a missed fg by Scott Norwood. I like the Ravens in a squeaker. I also strongly advise against watching the post-game interview of Ray Lewis, unless you're the kind of person that likes Nicholas Sparks novels.  Baltimore 24 49ers 23.

If you've been following my playoff picks this year that means you should put everything you have on the 49ers. Enjoy the game!    

The Official NFL Conference Championships Drinking Game

Last year we introduced the official Super Bowl drinking game, and now it's time to unveil the Conference Championships Drinking Game. Totally different rules and twice the drinking! Fun for the whole family! (Stomach pump sold seperately.)

Update: Actually, after just reviewing the rules below and consulting my attorney, I don't recommend anyone play this game ever. Even Winston Churchill would pass out playing this game, and he downed a decanter of bourbon with a Guinness chaser before eating a vodka-oatmeal breakfast every day. And that's true, I saw it on the BBC channel. I do my fact-checking here at the Deep Dish, we're not having a Manti Te'o situation, not on my watch.

Without further adieu, as Richard Dawson says in The Running Man, "Let's Play the Feud!"

"Not the elbow, bro, no bro, no, bro-uch!"

Patriots -9 vs. Ravens

Drink 1 drink when:

• Ray Lewis dances
• Rob Gronkowski's elbow is mentioned
• Tom Brady is mentioned in the same sentence with the word "precision" and "masterful" or "questionable wardrobe" and "lady-like" 
• Ray Lewis prays to the Lord
• Bill Bellichick frowns or appears to mutters something under his breath
• Ray Lewis misses a tackle 
• Joe Flacco overthrows a receiver and then directs the receiver to run faster



Disdain for headsets runs in the family.

Drink 2 drinks when: 

• An announcer praises Ray Lewis' leadership/and or character
• When the Patriots many "weapons" are discussed
• When the possibility of a "Harbaugh Bowl" is brought up
• A Masters preview is showed and the words "A tradition unlike any other" are mentioned
• Tom Brady complains about being touched by a defender 
• Wes Welker dives to the ground to avoid getting hit after a catch

Down your drink when: 

• Ray Rice does something silly like convert a 4th and 19. You'll know when to do it. 
• Either QB throws a pick and the announcers promptly blame the receiver 
• A pass interference call is reversed because the pass was uncatchable (this never happens, btw) 
• Bill Bellichick smiles 
• Brady dons one of those ski caps with the puffy ball on top
• A Ravens receiver drops the game-winning catch
• You find something at all redeeming or likable about the Patriots 

Prediction: Patriots 34 Ravens 21

Atlanta +4 vs. San Francisco 

Take 1 drink when:

• Someone mentions doing the "dirty bird" or Jamaal Anderson
• Any old clip of MC Hammer or Deion Sanders is shown 
• Whenever the camera shows Jim Harbaugh screaming (warning: this could be dangerous) 
• Matt Ryan's impressive home record or unimpressive playoff record is mentioned



"Can I play the Packers every week?"

Take 2 drinks when:

• Colin Kaepernick runs for a 70+ yard touchdown while momentarily taking flight 
• Fox shows a promo for that new Kevin Bacon show The Following
• Troy Aikman says the phrase "You're right, Joe..."
• Eugene Robinson's Super Bowl XXXIII weekend is mentioned (the XXX is fitting)
• Anyone mentions Brett Favre was once drafted by the Falcons

Down your drink when:

• Harbaugh throws a challenge flag at a referee's head
• Whenever Joe Buck says the name "Babineaux!"
• If a referee utters the phrase "unabated to the quarterback"
• Everytime the camera pans to Alex Smith looking sad
• Anyone says "Tebow!"

Prediction: Falcons 23 49ers 20


Enjoy the games!